Finding opportunity in adversity

Who hasn’t felt discouraged when something failed to go as hoped, or plans fell through, or an outcome that seemed promising fell flat?

People sometimes find themselves sliding from discouragement into more negative thoughts, of deep disappointment, anger, feeling defeated, and sometimes, feeling hopeless.

Even as things feel heavy, when you choose to make a key shift in thinking it can make a world of difference.

This is the shift that can work wonders:

Get creative and see what happens

When you orient yourself to what is possible, to what you can create, the potential for great outcomes is amazing. 

When you choose that new outlook, you bring fresh, positive energy to the matter at hand.

Your intention might be to create a new next step forward, or to create a new alternative, or to initiate a new conversation, or to test a new approach.

You can then reflect on each effort and continue to create as you move ahead.

Taking consistent, positive steps forward with this mindset of what is possible for you to create is a game-changer!

Your mindset is an incredible resource

There is a great quote from the renown Chinese general, philosopher and writer, Sun Tzu, that you may want to keep in mind:

“Can you find and exploit the advantage in every adversity?”

When you choose to adopt the mindset of a creator, it becomes possible — and can even be joyful — to find advantages and realize benefits whenever you face challenges. 

Healthy ways to process and release anger

When I wrote about fear last week, there was a big response to the ideas I shared about ways to move ahead when that emotion shows up. (If you missed it, you can check it out here.)

Much like fear, anger can grip any of us from time to time, and can be short-lived or sustained.

Anger is normal, and it’s important to feel and respect it in order to deal with it.

And, it’s important to address it, because anger can be destructive, leading to resentment and ongoing suffering.

The grip of anger 

When anger sets in, it’s hard to think clearly, or stand in your power, or show up in ways that are best for you.

Anger rarely just melts away. When it festers it is like a poison in your system. 

You may not even be aware of the cause. You may feel concerned about what your best course of action can be.

And so, it’s common to hold on to anger. And letting anger fester is not in your best interest.

How to process and release anger

Step one, when you feel angry, is to take a deep breath and tune in to what you are experiencing. You also want to identify the underlying cause that has brought on your reaction.

Sometimes you feel quietly angry, sometimes quite furious.

Sometimes you know why you are angry, but you may sometimes not be so sure.

If you feel upset and cannot pinpoint what is bothering you, it’s important to first get clear. From there, you can employ effective ways to move ahead more positively. 

Pinpoint the what and why

Here are two ways to gain clarity about just what is bothering you. 

Make it visual

Pull out paper and crayons. (If you don’t have any around, you can get them in the school-supply section of your nearby drug store).

Simply draw what the anger feels like. Add words if you like, Use the colors that show how you feel. Make marks and images that show the emotion.

Make it as ugly or intense as the anger you feel.

Use the Discovery Dozen™

You may already know how to use the Discovery Dozen™ exercise, that’s a key tool I work with and is included in my book.

If you don't know how the Discovery Dozen works, you can download a quick guide to using it.

You could start with this fill-in-the-blank sentence:

“Right now I feel angry/furious/enraged because…”

Quickly add an ending to that sentence root, and keep doing that 12 times, for 12 different full sentences. Then look over what shows up.

Next you have an opportunity to drill down deeper, and do another Discovery Dozen. Try it.

You can choose from your answers in the first list of completed sentences and use this structure for a new Discovery Dozen:

“The thing that makes me angriest about [the thing you picked from your first round of sentence endings] is…”

You may want to use this second Discovery Dozen over again, selecting a different response from your first list of sentences. When you write quickly, insights that were not top-of-mind are likely to show up.

By using both the visual and written methods, you will likely have new awareness.

And the acts of creating in these ways may help you begin to feel better, too.

Release anger and free your spirit

When you are angry and you know what the cause is, it may feel frightening.

You may feel afraid to express it.

You may try to push it aside, or stuff it down.

Doing that rarely works for long, and can build the intensity of your anger. When that happens, anger may burst out and cause a new round of emotional distress.

There are safe ways to release the emotional intensity of anger, so that you can take a thoughtful approach and move forward.

Here are some options to consider:

Try physically moving the angry energy

• Pull out a pillow and beat it (against a bed, or any surface that will not be harmed). Shout as you do it. Repeat for as long as you need, to feel that you have drained the pent up negative energy.

• Write furiously — vent it all on paper.

• Go for a run, or do an intense workout.

Talk to a trusted friend, coach or advisor

It’s easy for intense emotions like anger to highjack your thoughts, where they loop endlessly.

When you turn to someone who can listen and support you to think calmly, you can more easily find clarity. They may be able to help you identify aspects you did not see on your own, gain perspective, and help you plan for what you can or want to do next.

You may want to follow these steps with mediation or yoga, to support you to think clearly about a conversation to have or an action to take that can address the situation that brought the anger on.

Being on the other side of anger

Having attended to your anger you, you will be able to create a positive path forward.

Whether that is having a meaningful and constructive conversation, initiating a new way of interacting with someone, feeling clearer about your feelings and reactions, being able to forgive someone, or feeling able to release the anger completely, you will have new tools available for the next occasion when anger appears.

5 Techniques to move through fear

Fear is a universal experience. So are tough emotions such as anger, worry and desperation.

These powerful forces challenges all of us.

Today, let’s look at fear and how to move through and past it. (Stay tuned for emails about other difficult emotions, that will follow soon.)

We all feel fear!

Sometimes that fear is related to something that puts us, or someone we care about, in mortal danger. More often we are afraid of things that are not actually dangerous.

Because our lizard brains were wired in ancient times, when mortal danger was frequently a risk, we instinctively find ourselves experiencing fear.

Happily, we have far less danger in the modern world, and there are a number of good ways to end that suffering no matter the cause.

Common advice falls short

I have heard well-meaning people advise that you can tell yourself that fear is not real, and that doing that will make the fear go away.

But when you are afraid, you are responding to something that feels very real to you. In my experience, and observing others, being told that fear is not real, so just let it go, is not helpful.

What to do instead

Of course, fear can have a different degree of hold on you at different times, and depending on what brought it on.

Sometimes a small shift in thinking and perspective can work wonders, or employing a new way of responding can do the trick.

Try some or all of these techniques and see what works for you.

1. The power of hope

No matter what the fear relates to, bringing hopefulness to mind can make you feel much better. 

Hope is powerful. It helps reduce the anxiety that can accompany fear. As you focus on hope and more positive thoughts appear, the fear that gripped you will begin to recede.

2. The power of love

It may surprise you to learn that another great antidote to fear is love. Actively bringing a focus to love — for yourself, for someone else (even the person you feel anger toward), for the world — produces chemicals in the brain that reduce fearful thinking. 

Then, whatever made you feel afraid can be considered with a calmer, clearer and more hopeful frame of mind.

3. The power of awareness

The fear you feel may be sending you a signal — that you have a desire to try something new (like a physical challenge) or go for something different (like an exciting new job) — and that your fear is there to help you resist giving it a try.

The fear may be trying to protect you from the possibility of failing, or embarrassment. 

The truth is, you will never know if you can or will succeed (right off the bat or after several restarts), until you try. 

And if this kind of fears shows up, remind yourself that it does not entail mortal danger.

4. The power of choice

The truth is that in any situation, we can choose a new way of thinking and a new way of responding.

We can choose to bring a new perspective to the matter. We can choose to look at our circumstance through a new lens.

We can also choose to trust — ourselves and our creative thinking, and particular people who can support us. 

When you hold the awareness in your mind of all the choices you can employ, and practice using those choices, you can cope with things that have felt really hard in the past.

5. The power of gratitude

The science is clear. When you focus on gratitude, levels of the stress hormone cortisol get lower. This works to block toxic emotions of many kinds. 

Neurological studies show that your brain cannot be in a state of appreciation and fear at the same time. When you focus on what you have and what is good, and not on what you lack or fear, the fearful feelings fall away.

Email me to share the approach, or approaches that work best for you.

Techniques for vibrant living

Maybe you saw the eclipse — or just heard about it before, during and after it happened. Some were lucky and saw it, many having made a long trip to a prime location.

Others had little interest in making an effort to travel, or even get special glasses to use at their front door.

In a coaching conversation today, a client remarked that what interested her the most was the energy of the cosmic event, more than what she saw. (It’s worth noting that at her location there was only 93% coverage.)

I loved that part of our conversation, because I believe that when we tune in to the energy of any event, any conversation, and most of all, the energy we feel and generate, we can be enriched.

Consider these great ways to access and build positive energy.

Connect to the energy inside you

Your body is so much more than flesh and bones. You are filled with, made up of, tremendous energy! 

When you build awareness of the energy you feel, you can use it in meaningful ways.

When you feel great, ride that energy!

When you feel wonderful — happy, excited, enthusiastic, playful — tap in fully to that energy and make the most of it!

Pause to consider all the ways you can leverage that energy to generate ideas and take actions.

And find ways to enjoy whatever you may need to do that is not so appealing, when you use that fertile energetic spirit to fuel you.

When you are feeling flat or low, you can build new energy.

We all find ourselves feeling dull, sad, or stressed from time to time. Here are some steps that can help you to shift your energy upward:

1. Take stock of what you are feeling.

Sometimes you know you feel angry, or frustrated or irritated. At other times, identifying just what you are feeling can be less clear. And often it’s not obvious why you feel a particular unpleasant emotion.

Getting clear is a key first step.

You can use my Discovery Dozen™ tool to explore and to find clarity.

Start by writing this fill-in-the-blank sentence at the top of a page:
Right now I feel… because…

Complete the 2 blanks portions of that sentence 12 times, for 12 complete sentences. Write as quickly as you can, and see what shows up.

Be sure to write anything that comes to mind and complete all 12 sentences!

When you read your sentences, it’s likely that you will be able to pinpoint what it is you are feeling, and feel clearer about what is bothering you.

2. Move those feelings through you and out! 

When you give the unwanted emotion an outlet, you can release the hold it has on you.

How?

Try screaming into a pillow. Or beating a pillow hard. Or journaling all the thoughts you have about the matter until you have exhausted yourself. Or dance it out. Or draw what the ugly emotion looks like. Or go out and run.

Any way you choose will allow you to release the emotion that is limiting you. You may have to repeat the release (in the same way or try different approaches). These are many great ways to feel better.

And when you feel the weight of the tough emotion lift, you can begin thinking more positively. You can choose new ways to move. You can consider a new lens through which to reflect on the issue. You can choose to let it go completely.

You can bring positivity into your day. You may well find yourself laughing or playing.

Then you can ride that upbeat energy!

Seek out positive energy around you 

In addition to the energy you generate, you can tap into powerful positive energy when you think about where it is already.

Think about the people you spend time with. Choose to surround yourself with people who are fun to be with, optimistic and inspiring.

Visit places that light you up. You might find great energy in a museum, at a sporting event, at a party, in the quiet of a walk in the woods, in your favorite chair where you enjoy reading poetry.

Do things you love, like playing an instrument, or baking, or painting, or gardening, or exploring. 

The more you do these things, the more you will naturally create positive energy, without effort!

Share what works for you!

I would love to hear your favorite way to turn around negative or difficult energy, and how you keep your best energy flowing.

Email me and let me know. I will be glad to share interesting new ways we can all try out to build more energy in our systems for living our best lives.

Finding strength in the why

What matters enough to stretch and extend yourself, to do something that’s important to you, even when you are really tired?

Maybe there is a family matter, or something related to your work, or a passion you feel for a cause, that is so pressing or important that you dig deep to focus time and energy for it.

I have been stretching myself to attend to pressing family matters for many months. I have been flying to Philadelphia from Boston so often that the people at the Admiral’s Club desk recognize and greet me each time I arrive. One time recently, when I fumbled to find the card that is required for entry, they told me, “Oh, we know you, just go in!” That’s when you know you have been traveling a lot!

These trips have been important. And they have been taxing. 

I have needed to make adjustments in a number of ways to do all of the travel, as well as making calls, doing research, sending and replying to emails, and other tasks related to the my father’s failing health, my sister’s health crisis, and more recently, matters related to my father’s estate.

Finding strength when you need it

I am amazed at the way adrenaline has kicked in when I have need it. This hormone is produced in the adrenal gland to help you deal with stressful or dangerous situations.

And while a rush of adrenaline can be literally life-saving in some circumstances, and has carried me at notable moments, there are other ways we can find strength.

• Focus on the why

When you feel called to take action and can keep the WHY clear in your thoughts, you may be surprised by the amount of strength you will feel. This fundamental approach to how you focus your thoughts can support you in countless situations.

• Envision the outcomes

Knowing that my efforts were making a meaningful difference in the life of a loved one — envisioning my father’s contentment at knowing he was loved and cared for, and “seeing” what restored health would be like in the case of my sister — has frequently given me strength.

Similarly, knowing my efforts were smoothing the way to a positive conclusion for myself and my family in the aftermath of my father’s death, and imagining what that would look and feel like, has given me tremendous strength, even when I was not sure I had any left. 

The same can be true when you are dedicated to a cause about which you are passionate, or launching a new endeavor that is deeply meaningful to you. Envision what it will it look like thanks to your efforts.

• Get help

Rather than figuring everything out on your own, or doing it all yourself, when you seek out help (by asking for it from people you know, or hiring experts, or availing yourself of services that are around you) you will not be expending as much effort on your own and will have more strength for the efforts you undertake.

Remember the importance of self-care

How you take care of yourself during demanding times, and afterwards, is crucially important.

Pay attention to how you feed yourself and stay hydrated. Make sleep a priority. See where you can open space in your schedule, so you can move at a slower pace when possible. Aim to connect to people you enjoy, and do things you love (like getting out in nature, visiting a museum, having a favorite food delivered).

Get the support you need

I have been fortunate to have remarkable, loving support in my life, and that has made a huge difference during this taxing time.

My coaches have been a most valued resource. My husband has been my rock. My children have chipped in. Friends have lent a loving ear.

This has enabled me to look ahead to all I intend for myself and my work in the year that lies ahead.

If you are thinking about what really matters to you now — whether you want to get clear or you know what that looks like — and you think that getting support could be the way to move ahead with more ease, my upcoming Live Big Live retreat might be right for you.

Email me and we can make a date for you to learn about this program, and we’ll see if it’s a fit.

Discovering strength in tough moments

Here we are in December. I am looking ahead to how I will conclude 2023, and where 2024 may take me. You may be thinking about that too.

2023 has been extraordinary in many ways — some wonderfully special, some tragic, personally and in the greater world.

All of the events in our lives offer us the opportunity to think about how to look at them, and to respond.

It is in the hard times that we can learn the most, if we choose to see those events as learning opportunities.

The challenges of dealing with loss and worry

November was a month of many contrasts for me, dominated by loss and stress.

I lost my father on November 13. He was 97, a great man who lived a remarkable and long life. He was dearly loved. I am grateful that I was with him on the 13th, hours before he took his last breath.

The day my father died my youngest sister was on a ventilator in an ICU, 10 miles away. She has been in multiple ICUs these last weeks, and has finally turned a corner. It looks like her will to live is stronger than all of the medical problems that shut down so many of her organ systems for nearly a month.

Grief and deep concern for my sister have been a tough pair of challenges. The space to grieve for my father has been squeezed by the time and attention devoted to my sister’s illness.

My heart has been sore for weeks on end.

And, blessedly, life continues, and it is full of dimension.

Both and… 

I made a point each day to look for ways to bring love and hope into my life, and into the world in any small way I could think of.

I wrote to all of you weekly, even as I chose not share anything about my father’s death until my sister was conscious and we could tell her. Writing to you was a gift I gave myself. It felt good to share what I hope were meaningful ideas.

Amidst the sadness and not-knowing worry, the joy of spending Thanksgiving with my children and sweet grandchildren was a balm for my spirit. I felt deep gratitude for so much love in my life, and savored the the sweetness of being with little precious ones.

I created time to write and to paint. That helped me feel deeply, and move emotion that seemed trapped and fraught.

I learned to be patient and to trust that things would work out as they were meant to. And I learned to accept that I could only do so much.

I could love and support my family members, especially my sister's children. I could take care of practical matters. I could do my best to bring love into the world. I could support my clients. And I needed to take care of myself.

Of course I wish the circumstances in my family and the world around me could have been different. And yet, I learned so much for which I am grateful.

Conclusions and beginnings

As we are all moving into this last month of 2023, I invite you to join me in taking a look back at everything you have experienced this year.

Can you see things you learned, or can learn now by looking through a lens of openness and gratitude? Are there lessons and insights you see with clarity now, that you may have missed as they happened?

Now think about 2024 and all that is possible for you. What do you want your year to look like and feel like?

What strength and insights can you bring into the new year based on your reflections of 2023?

And here is one last question:

How can you live your biggest, best life today and all month long, so that you can create dynamically in 2024?

I’d love to hear your thoughts. Email me with your plans for living your best life.

Listen with an open heart

When you cultivate self-awareness wonderful things can happen.

This takes time and focus, because it is easy to slide into automatic ways of looking at and thinking about things, and automatic ways of being.

Let’s explore one way to bring intentionality to your relationships, that goes beyond the typical way so many people interact when in conversations.

The two questions below can be considered in terms of exchanges in your personal relationships as well as in professional interactions.

How closely do you listen? 

Listening sounds easy — after all, we listen to people all day every day.

And, in many cases we miss a lot, because most of us listen superficially.

When we fail to slow our busy minds down and bring our focus to the person we are with, we miss the opportunity to listen deeply with an open heart.

If, instead, we listen actively, with intention and care and with a loving heart, the person with whom we are in conversation will feel that presence. They are likely to share more fully and honestly.

And whatever way they may share, we can hear so much more by listening deeply. We are able to pick up more than we typically would, tuning in to more nuances, and gaining more insight from the emotion we are able to feel.

We can sometimes even listen for and hear things that are not being articulated in words. We can tune into messages that come across in the tone of voice, in body language, and messages transmitted via the energy of the person who is sharing with us. We may even hear things that are hidden behind the words — fears or concerns or shame that are embedded in the actual statements.

When we listen deeply and hear so much, we can connect and engage with the other person in ways that go way beyond what we would otherwise be able to contribute had we been listening more superficially.

And this way of listening also validates the speaker. They know they are being heard.

Do you bring judgement to what you hear?

One perspective that is meaningful to try and hold, when you listen with focus and care, is to connect to the loving essence of that person.

It is all too common to let judgment slide into our thinking when we listen — judgements that may be subtle or harsh.

Noticing subtle judgements can be particularly challenging. And harsher judgements, if we are aware we are making them, often feel justifiable. 

If you are listening and realize you are judging, you might ask for a pause, so you can take a moment to release the judgement before inviting the person to continue speaking.

The ability to listen without judgement keeps our hearts open. This is a gift we can give the person to whom we are listening, and also a meaningful gift we can give ourselves.

Be patient with yourself

If you choose to bring the awareness of active, non-judgemental listening into your conversations, you may find it takes a bit of practice to do it with ease. I have found that the rewards of building this practice are wonderful, and invite you to join me in cultivating this awareness.

Each conversation you have is an opportunity for understanding and respect, whether you and the other party ultimately find agreement or not. 

Of course, when you do complete a conversation in agreement it feels great.

When that is not the outcome, knowing that you have had a deeply meaningful conversation free of judgement opens the door to acceptance. Ideally you will both be able to agree to disagree, or move ahead in tandem. And if that is not the case, you are likely to feel better because you were able to be open and loving.

Each time we lovingly listen we contribute loving energy into the world.

The more love we generate, the more healing and connection there will be in the world.

Finding your way through difficult times

There are times when we all feel a bit raw, tender, maybe emotional.

In my case, I am focused on time I spent with my father over the weekend. At age 97, there have been significant changes in his stamina and ability to converse each time I fly to Philadelphia to visit him. I was there mid-summer and 4 weeks ago. The shifts I saw this time were striking. My next visit will be in a week. I find myself thinking about him no matter what is going on.

There are many matters that can impact us like this.

News of external world events is making many people feel raw.

You may be facing challenges or thinking about any number of things that pull on your heart as you move through your days.

And, life goes on.

We show up — sometimes with less focus or consistency than we’d wish.

How to move ahead when your heart aches

Our hearts are amazing repositories — of love, of strength, of wisdom.

It is in quietly going into your heart that you can find solace, insights, and sometimes even answers.

Try using these 5 steps:

1. Quietly sit in silence and feel into your heart.

2. Focus on connecting to love. 

That love is powerful in myriad ways.

When you connect to love, when you trust its power, you can build trust in yourself to navigate through the challenges.

3. Trust that you have this.

Trust that loving actions you take and thoughts you think will be felt by people around you and can have a profound impact. Sometimes you will see evidence of the impact. Many times you will be unaware of how the vibrations of loving energy touch and influence others.

Trust that when love is felt by others, much is possible that is beyond what we can imagine right now.

Trust that you will have all that you need to move ahead. Trust yourself to reach out for help and support. Trust yourself to allow your intuition to guide you. Trust yourself to feel all of your feelings and know that you will be ok.

4. Release any grip you may feel — fear, tension, anxiety.

Come back to love and to trust. Ask for help to release your grip if that’s what you need. Be patient and take one step at a time in the direction that matters most.

5. Stay in the present moment and focus on love, again and again.

You may find that a walk in nature, or sitting with hands on your heart, or listening to music that elevates your emotions helps you to stay present and keep your focus on love. You may want to reach out to someone, or you may prefer to be alone.

Then think about the next thing to do, and thoughtfully make your best choice about the action you will take.

Remember to acknowledge and love yourself — for simply being you, and for your ability to Live Big no matter what is happening in your life.

Finding peace in uncertain times

We are living through a tense, tender time that is full of uncertainty. Most of us feel fear, anxiety and sadness, and are looking for the best ways to cope as events unfold. 

About a year ago I wrote a post about choices, and choosing happiness. My point was that we always have choices about how we respond to events and situations. In that post I shared a graphic to help bring awareness to what is in one’s control — and what is not.

This seemed like an excellent time to share that graphic again — this time to support us as so many feel despair and helplessness.

My hope is that by being clear about what we can control, and what is outside of our control, we can take action to support our wellbeing.

You have more agency than you may think

As the graphic below shows, we cannot control the actions of others, what happens around us, or the future.

The first two things we can control, as listed in the graphic, relate to our emotions. And at this time, when emotions are high and often feel hard to manage, there are several ways we can support ourselves.

• Your thoughts and actions

When your thoughts spin down to fear and anxiety, the stress that builds in your system pulls you ever lower.

Rather than living with despair and having that pressure build, you can express the emotions you feel, to release their intensity.

Creating is an excellent outlet for managing emotions of all kinds.

Whether you choose making art (it can be soothing or harsh), dancing, kneading dough to release pent up emotions, or singing loudly in your car, any way to express your difficult emotions through a creative act will be helpful.

Consider the stimuli you choose for your thoughts. 

As you may recall, I have shared that last year I stopped listening to news at the start of each day. Instead I choose some music to soothe me, or energize me, or lighten my heart, as I get dressed each morning. I highly recommend this practice!

Actions such as writing in a journal, going for a run or doing yoga, meditating, and keeping a gratitude journal are also great practices to bring into your day. They will impact your thoughts and thus the actions you take.

• What you give your energy to

Rather than allowing your energy to be focused on anger, criticality or bitterness, shifting it to positive actions and thoughts will make a tremendous difference.

When you are intentional about how you exert your energy you will be less likely to slide into negativity and distress.

You can choose to direct your energy toward connecting to people with kind hearts.

You can direct your energy to accomplishing tasks that are meaningful, enriching and inspiring — for you and others.

You can bring loving energy to each interaction, conversation and action you take.

Let’s all live with intention 

Whatever is going on in the world, we live each day. When we each live our best lives, contribute our gifts and talents, and lead with love and kindness, we are doing good.

This world needs as much of that goodness as we can collectively offer.

I am listening to John Lennon's Imagine on repeat — to stay inspired and to believe that peace is possible.

You may say I am a dreamer, but I know that I'm not the only one.

Turn pain into possibility

So many of us get stuck when we feel anger, pain, frustration and bitterness.

Last week, I wrote about why it’s important to fully feel and release difficult emotions, and shared ways to do that so you can move forward. If you missed it, you may want to check out those tips.

Today we’ll dive into what to do once you have released the hold of the emotions, so that you can move ahead when you feel freer.

It’s time to take a new approach

Now that you feel free of the grip of bitterness/anger/disappointment, you have an opportunity to more clearly consider the dynamic that set off the reaction.

If what bothered you was something fleeting, like a remark from a rude stranger, it may have been easy to move on once you let yourself go all the way into your feelings and release them.

But what if you are faced with a situation that’s a recurring challenge — say, someone at work or in your family who behaves in ways that trouble you, or sees things differently than you do?

Nearly everyone experiences this kind of thing.

You may find it helpful to see this as an opportunity. I know that may sound crazy, but hear me out.

Consider these new ways of moving forward:

• You have an opportunity to calmly state your case or express your point of view or suggested next steps. This may call on you to have a conversation in a different way than in the past. Get help if you need it, to be able to show up calmly and speak your truth.

• You can set new boundaries with that person, to minimize the likelihood of repeats in the future. This can mean minimizing contact with that person or setting conditions for ways you will interact.

• You can set new energetic boundaries for yourself when you decide not let someone else’s actions cause you pain. To do this, you might try seeing the other person operating the best they can, with limitations or different standards than yours. See if you can take it less personally. You might also feel compassion for them and send them love. 

• Let go of doubt. It may feel odd to approach things in a new way, but with practice you will get better and better at using these tools and finding your strength in situations that are hard for you now.

• Do not rehash. It is easy to replay and ruminate in the pain, which makes it hard to let go of the pain. Having taken good steps forward, do your best not to talk and think about it.

You have the opportunity to create rather than react

Yes, rather than reacting to things that sting on the fly, you always have the opportunity to create new ways of responding and moving forward in your life.

And, in this case, when you start with expressive creativity (to feel the emotions and move them through you), and follow that step with creating new ways to approach challenges in the future, you are creating the best possible conditions to support your wellbeing. 

With practice this process gets easier

Depending on the painful situations you face, the methods described last week and here may work perfectly the first time, or they may take ongoing practice — as has been my experience. 

If you keep in mind that your objective is to protect and strengthen your energy, and support your wellbeing so that you can bring all of your power into everything you do, you will find these approaches easier to master.

If you’d like support with any of this work, email me and we'll make a date to talk.

How to loosen the grip of painful feelings

It’s easy to get derailed by interactions and events that feel upsetting.

Whether it is in a moment when someone cuts you off in traffic, or when you interact with a person you know well who says or does something hurtful (often repeating a pattern of behaviour that has hurt before) it is easy to feel angry, bitter, shaken, wounded.

And while those feelings are valid and not to be brushed aside, there are ways to process the emotions to move forward feeling lighter and better, that you may not have considered.

Today I will share some first steps you can take when you are faced with upsetting emotions.

And next week, I will provide additional guidance to help you move forward once the grip of the emotion is released.

Feel your feelings — and then release them

It is important to acknowledge and feel what you feel. It is also important to learn how to transform the challenging emotion at hand, so you can move forward free of it.

It can be tempting to brush painful feelings aside, assuming they will simply dissipate. But that’s actually an illusion. Troubled emotions that we do not honor and work through inevitably show up in ways that have a negative impact. 

Or, you may tightly hold on to tough emotions.

Perhaps the pain and anger you feel in a relationship with someone, or another ongoing situation, are so ingrained that those emotions pop up automatically at the smallest provocation.

Emotions like these need to be released so you can begin to disrupt the pattern.

Try using some or many of these tips and see what happens. 

Ways to process and release painful feelings

To feel the feelings, and fully express them to wring them out, you might:

• Sit and free-write in a journal.

• Go for a long walk in nature, or go for a run, if that's how you like to move energy. 

• Scream into a pillow, like a friend of mine recommends.

• Stand in the shower and scream or cry out the emotions you feel. 

• Slam a stuffed doll at a table — over and over and over. 

• Crank up loud music and dance the emotions out.

• Make a series of hideously ugly drawings to wring out all the painful emotions. (This is one of my favorite techniques!)

It is important to let yourself go all the way into the emotions and use the way or ways that work best for you to let as much of it go as possible.

The process takes practice to master

You may find yourself needing to do multiple rounds, or trying multiple approaches, until you feel you have worked through and emptied as much of the unpleasant emotion as possible.

Situations that ignite difficult emotions can come at us unexpectedly. When they do pop up, be patient with yourself. Building awareness and carving out space to address those powerful emotions will help you feel better and think more clearly.

Next week, I will share approaches you can take that will build on this foundation of releasing the emotional charge.

Until then, have a great week.

(And if you’re ready to live your biggest, best life, you can book a quick call with me to talk about what that can look like.)

Get through any struggle with these 5 steps

All of us wrestle with things that are tricky to navigate, or find ourselves in situations where communication is challenging, or on paths with obstacles we need to navigate. 

Sometimes there’s a tough decision or choice to be made. Sometimes there is someone in a dynamic with whom we do not see eye-to-eye. Sometimes an important boundary needs to be set and held. 

It is easy to feel engulfed in emotion, indecision, frustration, and even anger. 

Stress mounts, and stress can cloud your thinking. That makes things even harder. Stress can highjack your attention to a degree that you miss out on positive experiences and possibilities. 

Can you relate? 

Maybe something like that is happening right now, or a situation in the past springs to mind. 

As a coach, I support great women as they move through all sorts of challenges. And I, too, face challenges like these. 

Here are steps to take that I use, that may help you move through and forward to minimize struggle.

Follow these 5 steps to get started

1. Make space to pause and think clearly

In stressful situations, it’s tempting to push forward and act on your first impulse. 

When you choose to sit quietly and think, you can aim to consider the situation free of emotion (whether it’s fear, anger, or frustration at another person or the situation). 

You may want to journal, or take a brisk walk to clear your head. 

Can you reframe your take on things, or gain more perspective on all of it? You may want to ask someone to help you see things with keener objectivity.

2. Make a plan

This is the time to chart a course forward.

From a place of calm and greater clarity, perhaps having considered multiple possibilities, you may realize you want help from someone with particular expertise or experience. 

What is the best approach you can determine now? What boundaries and guardrails will be important to put in place? 

Your plan may not be “perfect” or work out smoothly. That’s ok. 

The key is to get things started, knowing you can make adjustments and modifications as events unfold.

3. Take action

With a plan of action in hand, it is time to implement.

Seek out resources you may need. 

When written and/or verbal communication are needed, aim for clarity free of judgement or drama. 

And be aware that as you move forward you may well find yourself returning to steps 1 and 2. (Or, remind yourself that you can use those steps again!)

4. Process your emotions

As noted in item 1 above, a range of emotions can be present at the start of the process, and emotions will continue to be a factor until — and even after — there is resolution. 

Processing your emotions as you move forward is important. Trying to ignore your feelings, or deny them, may seem expedient, but is not advised.

Take time to be with the fear, or frustration, or disappointment, or anger.

• Some people scream into a pillow.

• Some get the emotion out by running or hitting the gym.

• Some pour their emotions onto pages in a journal or onto a canvas in hideous colors.

• Some ask a trusted friend to let them vent. 

Find what works for you and give yourself time to wring it all out. You may need to repeat the process. It is rare that one round does the trick. 

Your objective is to get to a place where the charge is released, your heart feels open, and you can think as calmly and clearly as possible.

5. Stay in the process until it is resolved

It’s easy to initiate a plan, gain some traction and want things to be ”done” before they are, in fact, resolved.

Even if you feel impatient, even if the process is uncomfortable or becomes more uncomfortable over time, stay committed to seeing it through to a point of resolution.  

Be sure to include step 6: Let go!

When you have reached a resolution, whether you feel great, or disappointed, or anything in between, you will have the satisfaction of knowing you worked for the best outcome and did it with integrity. 

And mixed or negative emotions may linger. 

The biggest gift you can give yourself is to let go of any emotions that are not supporting you to be your best, to do your best, and to be as happy as possible. 

Use the suggestions in number 4 above to help yourself, so you do not feel stuck or rehash things in ways that hamper you. 

When you release any lingering emotions that diminish your wellbeing, you make precious space in your life for more goodness and more opportunities. 

And who doesn’t want more of that?

One last thing! There is still a spot available for Live Big Live! this spring. If you have been thinking this could be your time to step into creating your most fulfilling, empowered future, email me and we’ll make a date to talk.

What if it was easy?

We often start a tightly-scheduled day, or have a new project to tackle, and feel that it will be hard. It does not seem possible to squeeze everything on the list into the hours of the day ahead. The new project is complex and feels daunting.

I was accustomed to thinking things would be hard for most of my life.

I looked at my schedule and felt heavy thinking about how hard it was going to be to get so many things done on time.

I thought about a new project with worry about how I would get all the facts, create a plan, recruit the right people and resources, and execute on the plan by the deadline.

That mental starting point, that heaviness and concern, set me up for struggle — until I learned that there was another way to consider “challenges” like these.

A great question changed everything

In a conversation with my coach a few years back, I was sharing how burdened I felt by many things on my to-do list, about looming deadlines, about how to figure out some things that were stumping me.

She paused and asked me a great question:

“What if it was easy?”

I was taken aback! I had never considered that any of those things might be easy, or could be easy.

I was in the habit of thinking about things as being hard to do, and hard to get done in the midst of a busy day (and my busy life).

It can be easier than you think

When I shifted to considering “What if it was easy?” and telling myself, “This can be easy,” my world changed!

I began approaching my to-do list with a lightness I’d rarely felt on hectic days. I now look at my calendar and my to-do lists and think to myself that I can certainly move through the events and tasks with ease.

I also begin with positive, optimistic and excited energy as I embark on big new projects. 

And by making those shifts I have been rewarded in wonderful ways.

Most tasks feel manageable and get completed with ease. For those that require more time and effort, for whatever reason, I stay relaxed and they go much more smoothly than in the past.

At the end of the day I am less depleted and I have enjoyed my work!

And when I begin new projects that are complex and important (as I will do later today), my frame of mind is more playful, open and excited. I begin with the expectation that it can, indeed, be easy to approach and complete. I enjoy the process of jumping in to new projects.

Add another positive thought to the equation

There is another new way of thinking that combines brilliantly with, “What if it was easy?”

I suggest you start each day with the thought:

“I have an abundance of time!”

Embracing this belief makes an enormous difference for me, enabling me to move through my days with so much more ease. 

Combining the two statements removes stress and increases both productivity and satisfaction in remarkable ways. 

My clients swear by the power of embracing these two statements, too.

Test it for yourself

I invite you to try making these two ideas — separately and in combination — a regular part of your approach to your day.

You can download the graphic below. Why not print it and post where you can see it every day so that it serves as a welcome reminder?

I predict that it will not be long until these new thoughts become familiar and will have a positive impact for you. 

I would be delighted to hear from you when you bring these ideas into daily practice. Email me to let me know if they boost your day-to-day wellbeing.

Are you ready to stop second-guessing yourself?

Maybe as you grew up, you were not encouraged to share your opinions and ideas. That was my experience.

And maybe it took you time to find the courage to speak up without frequently second-guessing yourself. (That was my experience as well.)

Whatever the root, many accomplished women have shared with me that it can be hard for them to speak up with ease.

Sadly, many brilliant women find themselves holding back or feeling doubtful about speaking what they know is true and important.

Why we second-guess ourselves

Some women have had a hit to their confidence — confidence that used to be solid. Often a toxic work environment has left this mark, but personal challenges can also be the cause.

Some women — maybe those you’d least expect — have struggled with speaking their truth over many years.

Whether it is in a meeting, in an important conversation, or another setting, some women compare themselves to others and feel they do not measure up.

Some feel like an imposter, and are fearful they will be “found out” as a fraud.

Some have a story lodged in their brain (often having been planted by a family member, a teacher, or a sports coach) that they were not good at something specific, or were generally “not good enough.” Those stories feel real, even when there is evidence that they are false.

While it can take some time, these are all limitations we can learn to overcome when we have support and good tools.

Self-awareness provides insight

In my next Big Ideas email we’ll dive into gentle, revelatory ways to connect to your truth and your deep desires — even in the midst of a busy life.

Until then, I invite you to think about reasons that contribute to your moments of self-doubt.

If you feel less confident than in the past, are you clear about the reason?

Can you take an objective look back? Can you try and reframe your perspective when you find your confidence MIA?

If you recall being told something that lodged a limiting belief in your mind, can you look at it through a different lens now? 

Whether a hurtful message was imparted when you were small, when you were starting your professional career, or was experienced recently, it is helpful to notice when it shows up, pause to reconsider it, and reflect on it clearly through your eyes today. 

Can you think of times that disprove the limiting belief or lack of confidence?

Each time I have asked a client, she can think of multiple times in the past when she was able to do a thing she doubted in the moment. 

You, too, can think about times in your past when you were able do something you currently doubt. When you take note of that evidence, you can bring new energy to what is in front of you!

Can you feel a difference now?

Every time you tune in, get clear, and are able to take a small new step to show up in a bigger way, you grow. And over time, with ongoing focus and commitment, your growth accelerates.

Give yourself a “Yay me!” each time you gain new awareness, and each time you are able to show up in a bigger way (even it you start with small changes).

If you want support to get to the root of your doubt and turn it around, email me and let’s talk. I have a several program options to support you.

How to connect to your heart – and why you will be glad you did

I arrived home Sunday night, after many weeks of travel. It’s felt great to sleep in my own bed, prepare breakfast in my kitchen, to wake up, get outside, and see my neighborhood with fresh eyes.

It got me thinking about the concept of “coming home” and how we always have the opportunity to come home to ourselves.

“Coming home” to ourselves is about heart connection

When we rush through life we disconnect from our hearts.

Happily, we can always return and reconnect there. We have endless opportunities to look inside with fresh eyes.

The key is to get quiet and consider who we are, who we yearn to become, and mine the desires that sit in our hearts.

How do you want to live? How do you want to work? How do you want to play? With whom do you want to share it all? What impact do you want to have in the world? Why does it matter?

Connecting to the heart is different for everyone

Some of my clients are aware of a yearning, or have clear insights into their desires for their lives.

For other women, there’s a disconnect from their deep feelings and desires. Their hearts feel inaccessible. Many feel stuck. Most believe that, with help, they can find and awaken what is waiting to be discovered in their hearts. 

And for many women, there’s middle-ground awareness.

They think they have an idea of what they want, or at least feel clear that something is brewing. They want to find about what is waiting to come fully into the light.

Whatever category they fall into, they want to be able to move forward with clarity that can serve as a compass.

You can “come home” even when you have not been away

I encourage women to regularly make heart connections, wherever they are.

Making a “heart connection” entails tuning in to the subtle desires, feelings, and messages in your heart. By doing this you can stay truly connected to yourself, and live in alignment with what matters most.

Ideally we will all explore our hearts with some frequency.

And, it does not happen without setting the intention to get quiet and inquire.

It’s slowing down and making time for a practice like this that is step one for you to ‘come home to yourself.”

Not sure how to proceed?

Last week I wrote about the gifts of slowing down and being still, as I recognized the importance of making small shifts for myself, to work less hard and rest more. You may want to look at the tips I shared for ways to do that, so you can set the ideal condition for your journey of reconnecting to your heart.

Next decide how to get started.

Consider these approaches:

1. Make a plan

As each season changes, schedule an hour or two (or more!) to explore your heart. The start of each year is a great time to do this. Your birthday is another date that will be easy to remember. You may even want to do this on a monthly basis.

2. Start with some quiet breathing

Even two minutes of mindful breathing calms the nervous system. It helps you shift into quiet and allows more insight to flow forth. If you wish to spend more time breathing quietly, or want to meditate (in silence or listening to a guided meditation) go for it!

3. Start a journal

Most people like to write to explore their hearts. Why not choose a fresh journal for this and future explorations?

Writing by hand is best. (There is evidence that handwriting, as opposed to typing, activates the brain more, and in slowing us down brings more clarity.)

And while you may pick up a pen and be off and running, many people have trouble getting started.

You can use my Discovery Dozen™ exercise to get started, if you know it. It is explained in my book (Live Big: A Manifesto for a Creative Life) and there are many examples there to inspire you.)

Or begin with a prompt. Some of these may work for you:
What I most want now is…
The emotions I sense now are…
What would make me happy is…
Even if I don’t know how to do it, I dream of…
It would be amazing if…

4. Make it visual

Even if you don’t consider yourself “artistic” there is something freeing about grabbing some markers or pens or crayons (maybe even some paints), to visually express what you feel and what you want.

Stick figures are fine! In fact, even if you are a trained artist, this can be a good time to just get the ideas onto paper quickly (and add some words, too), rather than focusing on making something with great care. If your attention is on a beautiful or “perfect” outcome, you may have trouble focusing on and connecting to the deep desires in your heart. 

5. Choose a partner

Some women find it easier to explore deeply in the company of a close friend. If you know someone who wants to dive in to her own heart, she may be a good person with whom to partner.

You can do this together in person, or make a virtual date. The key is to plan for uninterrupted time.

Talk about how you each want to approach the exploration. One of you may use a journal and the other may want to use colored markers on a large sheet of paper. You may want to walk in nature and talk to get started, or to reflect together. You may each want to simply have company and not share at all. 

Set clear ground rules, too. Neither of you are there to tell the the other what she should do, nor are you are there to criticize anything that is shared.

And put the next date on your calendar!

Getting started is great, but if you approach this as a one-and-done process, you will miss a lot of potential for insight and growth over time. 

Choose the next time you will set time aside to return to this process.

Your outcomes are likely to be meaningful

Time and again, my journey to coming home to my heart has been powerful. It never fails to move me forward in new and meaningful ways.

And you can have guidance to take you to your most powerful outcomes.

This journey to the heart is what I designed my signature program, Live Big Live! to achieve. It is based on my own path to creating the life I desired, and incorporates an array of incredible approaches.

The program is designed to guide a small cohort of remarkable women to discover deeply, so they can set a clear vision for the next part of their lives and step into making that vision their reality. Not only do they have my guidance, they have the support of the other wonderful women who are on the journey with them.

I am moved to say that this program has been life-changing for dozens of past participants, 

If you want to hear more about the Spring Live Big Live! opportunity, let’s talk soon. 

I will listen to learn about what is happening in your life and what you yearn for, and I will provide you with fresh insights and perspective. And we can explore if Live Big Live! is a good fit for you. (If it's not, that’s fine.)

And if you want to simply catch up, or start a fresh new connection, I’d love that, too.

Email me, or book a call here. I look forward to our conversation!

We are always making adjustments. Yours can be easier.

My decision to live in to Paris for a month was a big one, and I am happy to say that my adventure is off to a great start!

And, deciding to undertake something complex and new like this was not so easy. After the idea was sprung, I had to prepare for myriad details. And now that I am here, I’m adjusting to new routines, resources and patterns. 

What do you find yourself adjusting to now?

One of my clients just started a new job. It’s with a company she has done work with for a while, but now she’s there full time. She is adjusting to new demands on her time and attention, new deadlines, new dynamics with the team and new challenges.

Another client has recently been showing up in a bigger way in her role as a senior leader. She finds herself adjusting to this new way of being, as well as to the feedback she is getting — all of which is positive.

Because, even when things go well we are called on to adjust to changes.

And when you grow and expand, the first adjustment is to the new version of you!

How to make easier adjustments

Whether you are adjusting to small changes to your routine or bigger changes — that feel exciting or feel challenging — these 5 steps may help you move forward with ease.

1. Build awareness

Pay attention to the change that’s underway. Sometimes this will be obvious (like my temporary move to Paris and the client who started a new job). Sometimes the change will be more subtle.

My client who started to present her ideas in new ways, and also set better boundaries, did not immediately realize that she needed to fucus on how these changes called on her to make new adjustments.

And, sometimes we are in denial about matters that are imposing change or require adjustments.

It is helpful to do some daily check-ins with yourself to identify issues and gain perspective. 

You may want to briefly journal at the end of the day and take note of things that came up in your thoughts during the day, or things you can better observe when you reflect back over the way your day unfolded.

2. Focus on the positive

Whether you choose to write in a journal or not, be sure to note positive things that relate to matters that call for adjustment.

It’s second nature for many of us to focus on challenges more than opportunities, and we certainly do need to be aware of challenges and plan for overcoming them.

And, we benefit when we look for the opportunities we have in nearly every situation. Be sure to think about the upside and opportunities that are available when adjusting to any change.

3. Stay clear and calm

What practices support you to think clearly?

You may like to meditate, walk in nature, do yoga, or spend quiet time listening to inspiring music. You may turn to a trusted friend to be a sounding board, or have another way you like to quiet your mind and reduce tension.

Whether you create a daily practice to stay clear and centered, or have a go-to way of getting focused when troubling thoughts start to highjack you, it’s important to know your best ways to get back to clear thinking and feeling calm.

4. Be kind to yourself

Some adjustments tend to spawn self-doubt. It’s easy to slip into feeling concerned about your ability to navigate a matter.

This is a time to practice self-love, and to be compassionate and patient with yourself. Check out this post to learn more about the power of self-love.

And while fear is something that is likely to show up when you are making adjustments, you can learn to turn that limiting emotion around.

Check out this article I wrote on LinkedIn about ditching fear. This blog post on how to think positively may help you, too.

5. Get support

Everyone needs help now and then. Whether you choose to get help to figure out a fulfilling path forward in your life, or you want help to make it easier and faster to make an adjustment you are working through, its great to have support.

After decades of resisting help, I have experienced that seeking out and having support has been life-changing.

The support of great coaches and mentors has been key to me moving through many challenges more easily and quickly than back in the days when I was sure I could do just fine on my own.

And, I might never have made the bolder, truly significant moves in my life that my coaches and mentors helped me see as possible, and helped me to make my reality.

I am here if you want to talk

Whether you want to share an adjustment you are facing now or the future you yearn to create, I invite you to reach out and connect. Or, you can schedule a call with me directly if you wish. I have opened 3 new appointments for these calls.

Our half-hour call (with no cost or obligation) can help you make an adjustment now, and see what is possible in your life in ways you may never have considered.

I look forward to speaking with you soon.

The lesson I learned again—that you may want to tune into

2023 did not begin as I had expected.

I was looking forward to the fresh new year, and living with my newly-set intention to amplify many things in my life (which you may have seen in the post I sent last week, when I shared my carefully-chosen word for the year).

A big part of my intention was — and is — to amplify devotion to the wellbeing of my body. And tucked neatly into that intention was slowing down.

If you have read my book, or heard me speak, you know that the first chapter of my book is Slow Down and Be Still. I made that the first chapter intuitively. As time has passed I have come to understand that slowing down is the foundation for living big.

So, you would think I have that down.

But living that principle, consciously slowing down, has been a challenge for me. It’s something I need to return to time and again. This past year I pushed myself harder than was healthy, and so tucked tidily into my word of the year was a clear intention to slow down and give my physical wellbeing the reverence it deserves.

And when I awoke on January 1, ready to step over the threshold of a fresh new year, I was sick. Sick with COVID.

After 2 years and 10 months of vigilance, vaxed and boosted and cautiously wearing a mask every time I was out of my home, a highly-contagious variant snuck past my defenses.

I’ve had no choice but to slow down!

While the symptoms have been managed well with medicines on hand, I slept through the first 4 days, and have continued to be enormously tired.

 It feels as though the universe stepped in on day 1 of the new year to test my commitment to slowing down!

And a part of me feels grateful. 

I have proof now. It is possible to slow down and take care of my body. There are people who can help me in all sorts of ways. I feel sure I am doing as well as I am because I did not push myself or do too much. And I am deeply committed to honoring what my body needs.

The timing was also “perfect,” or as close to perfect as it could be.

Because I’d made plans to travel on January 17 — to Paris! My husband and I will live in Paris for a month, and we have been looking forward to the adventure for some time.

I am grateful that we have plenty of time to fully recover (yes, he came down with COVID two days after I did), and prepare for the trip without pushing ourselves.

In the long-run, the imposed “pause” of this illness will be only a small blip on a year filled with experiences to be savored and expansion of our hearts.

I invite you consider how you can slow down and live into your commitments to yourself for 2023, whatever they are.

And while I will be away, I will not be out of touch.

Look for my weekly emails and blog posts (photos of Paris are sure to be sprinkled in!). I will be working with clients, doing some remote speaking, and will make creating a regular part of my life — all at reduced intensity. After all, there’s an amazing city I am eager to explore and enjoy.

With love and wishes for you to have a joyous, healthy new year.

Ignite the magic of light

This time of year is special. The holiday season is underway, with celebrations of Hannukka begun and Christmas coming soon, as well as other winter festivities and holidays. 

With all of the darkness these last weeks — which the Winter Solstice will bring to a turning point on the 21st — it’s comforting to know that we will be heading toward a bit more daylight each day.

It’s in this season of cold days and so much darkness that we crave light.

Houses are adorned in lights that makes for loveliness as we move about outdoors. Christmas trees twinkle in windows, and menorahs are lit with candles for eight nights. Walking through Boston, where I live, one sees glittering lights all around. They bring delight.

Why light touches us

The emotions we feel seeing so many sparkling, twinkling lights, and candle flames glowing, are scientifically proven to have calming properties.

The lights, candle flames and fires burning in fireplaces can trigger dopamine — the chemical in our brains that makes us feel good. This physiological response from our nervous system makes us feel happier, and for some, adding color to the lights enhances the response.

The beauty of light lifts our spirits and brings joy. 

How to bring more beauty into your life

All sorts of beauty touches the heart.

Perhaps you can add beauty to your day by setting a table with attention to colors.

You might plate food with sprigs of herbs, wedges of lemons, or other garnishes to add delight to the eyes and taste buds.

Adding music to the atmosphere is another sensory way to enhance beauty, as is choosing soft textures again your skin.

You may want to adorn yourself in something that makes you feel special, and give gifts to others that will bring more beauty into their lives.

We can all be the light 

The way we each live and relate to others is another way we can bring more light, and beauty, into the world.

Let’s all be aware of the opportunity we have to be that light.

To be open, loving and generous. To see the best in the people around us. To be kind, to smile and laugh.

We can each light up hearts — our own, and the hearts around us.

That’s a beautiful vision I am holding now. I hope you will join me.

Are you missing the joy of the season?

Are you able to give yourself a break?

Can you let go of expectations?

Think about the perceived expectations of others that occupy your thoughts, as well as the expectations you impose on yourself.

This is territory I know well, and at this time of year, when the world around us is in a whirl, thinking about all of those expectations, and which you may want to let go of, can be a great gift to give yourself.

What expectations are adding pressure now?  

Let’s look at work

Many business executives, entrepreneurs, and other professionals are focused on year-end results. For some that includes closing as much business as possible in the last weeks of the year. For some there are projects to complete before the calendar turns.

While those expectations can be internal, they often come from bosses, investors, clients or shareholders.

For those feeling expectations like these, there is some relief in knowing that we can muscle through a few weeks and start anew in the new year.

Next, let’s think about the holidays

This season impacts people in many different ways.

Some are fully into the holiday party scene. They love decorating, hosting and gifting. Shopping for or planning great outfits, salon trips for fresh haircuts and manicures, are a joy for them.

For many, this season feels heavier.

They bristle at the expectations to be merry, look perfect, set a photo-worthy table and serve or contribute amazing food. They find expectations to give a perfect gift to everyone on a long list to be stressful — emotionally, financially, and physically. There are often a host of family expectations that weigh people down.

Most of these expectations can be a combination of external and internal.

And then there are all of the “shoulds” in our heads 

Let’s start with the expectation many have that we should feel happy at this time of year. That’s a tall order, even for those who are typically upbeat.

Maybe you feel that you should show up — for everything. Parties of all kinds, school programs, work events, neighborhood gatherings, religious services, family get-togethers, local ceremonies, cookie-swaps and more.

Maybe you feel you should — or must — shower everyone with cards and gifts. And if you think that gift or card should be fancy and expensive, or should be made by hand, that adds handsomely to the pressure.

Perhaps you feel expectations for how you should show up or should perform. This can be because you are a woman, or a minority, or the traditional host, or the person who does not align squarely with the values of others in a family or group, or any number of other reasons.

And then there’s the should of perfection — doing it all and doing it all perfectly. This is an especially heavy burden that many of us carry 365 days a year.

What if it could be different?

If the thought of any, or many of these expectations gives you a sinking feeling, I invite you to think about the power you have to let go of expectations — whether they are expectations you perceive from others, or expectations you have for yourself.

Can you imagine how it would feel to be free of them?

The first step in finding that freedom is to be aware of which expectations weigh you down, and decide that you want to make a change.

When you are clear about both the expectation(s), and have considered the source, try these steps.

1. Ask yourself if you feel deserving of your true desires — the desires that are in opposition to one or more expectations. Can you feel ok about not [fill in a blank from the expectations described above, or something I did not enumerate].

This may be easier for some than others, and I do not suggest it’s as easy as simply saying “yes” if that feels untrue.

If you feel deserving, you are on your way to dropping the pressure of the expectation.

If this idea is a challenge for you, spend some time celebrating all of your special qualities. Ask people who love you what they most admire about you. See if you can feel as deserving of yourself as you’d want someone you love to feel about themselves.

2. When you feel you deserve to do things the way you wish/if you wish, this step may take some courage, but you can state your preferences.

This is your opportunity to gently bow out of attending an event, or choose to get someone a small thoughtful gift rather than break the bank, or choose not to care if your table looks “perfect” — or like someone else’s idea of “perfect.”

Start with something small to test this out, and continue to let go of expectations one by one.

3. After each effort, be sure to celebrate yourself.

Savor the space, the ease, the pleasure you get to experience.

Then focus on gratitude — for yourself, and the gift you gave yourself by letting go of an expectation you are free of.

Sending you much love for this holiday season.

You can choose happiness, too

Visiting Galleries in New York made me very happy!

In the midst of an especially busy summer that started with a lot of tiring work-related travel, and with some big deadlines approaching as well as some other stress playing out, I left town to spend a special long weekend with my husband.

We went to New York to celebrate our anniversary, and we had a marvelous time away.

At any other time, a trip like this would be a breeze — full of joyous anticipation and leisurely planning. Given the array of current circumstances, this trip was more of a challenge for me.

Happily, my sweetheart did much of the planning. He surprised me with wonderful places to go, and planned for each day to unfold at a lovely pace. He even got the weather to cooperate! It could not have been more special.

And the truth is, before we left I was not feeling so excited.

As much as I wanted to go away and enjoy this time with him, I had a lot on my mind. I had not been sleeping very well, and was concerned about feeling distracted and preoccupied.

And then I made a choice.

I chose happiness

I remembered that I get to choose the way I respond — to everything in my life.

I decided that I wanted to be happy. And I chose to be.

It would have been easier to allow distracted thoughts to predominate. It would have been easy to fit in bits of work here and there. It would have been easy to check and respond to emails all day, as I am in the habit of doing.

Instead, I chose to be present.

I chose play and fun.

I chose delight and adventure.

I chose love.

I decided that all of the rest could and would wait.

Now, having returned, and having returned my focus to all the matters that preceded our get-away, I’ve made another choice.

I continue to choose happiness

I had help making this choice.

I was reminded of what I can control in my life, and what is out of my control. (Many thanks to a dear teacher and friend for sharing the wisdom with me.)

And I realized that happiness is something I can choose with ease when I bear in mind the wisdom of those two categories.

I realized, too, that I have the choice to feel stressed, or to trust myself to meet my deadlines.

I have the choice to ruminate over things that are contentious or address them calmly as I make a case for what I believe is fair and just.

I will control what is mine to control and not let the rest rob me of happiness.

I welcome you to download the graphic below, that I made to help me remain clear about what I can and cannot control.

What choices are you making now?

If you are thinking about how to make the next part of your life truly fulfilling — to overcome stress, confusion, doubt, or anything else that is challenging you now — you may want to consider having a guide and mentor to support you.

I invite you to schedule a call and we can talk about what’s in the way for you now, and what’s possible. (There's no cost or obligation for us to talk.)

Here’s how to schedule a call: LiveBigCall.com