Last week I wrote about boundaries — what they are and why they matter so much. If you missed “Part 1” of this topic, you may want to click here and read about it.
As promised, today I’m sharing ways you can set boundaries without distress, to help you live your best life.
To begin, it can be helpful to check in and ask yourself how you relate to boundaries.
How do you feel about setting boundaries?
We all have the opportunity to draw the lines — create boundaries — that align with and protect our desires, values and preferences.
And, most people shy away from setting boundaries.
Many do not feel comfortable saying, “No.” They do not feel confident stating what is on their mind and setting standards that are aligned with what is right for them.
Here are a few reasons people shy away from setting boundaries:
Many people hate to say “No” because they want to be nice.
This fear of not being nice is people-pleasing — something remarkably common among both men and women.
People-pleasers are focused on making other people happy or trying to get others to like them. This focus typically starts when people are young, and can be deeply ingrained.
They aim to avoid conflict to such a degree that they are willing to put their own needs, values and preferences behind those of others.
Many people are afraid to lose love or approval.
We all long for love and approval. Many people are so afraid of rejection or disapproval that they do not ask for what they need, or ask for something different, or assert themselves.
When you compromise this way, you fail to make your own well-being your top priority. It is also typical to feel unworthy of love and approval. Thus you are willing to sacrifice your own contentment, satisfaction and happiness. This often results in resentment and unhappiness.
Many people simply do not know how to set boundaries — even when they yearn for them.
This is the easiest challenge to overcome.
When you know the boundary you want to establish — be it setting a firm limit about when you are available and when you are not; or stating that you will no longer take on every task someone asks you to help with; or establishing a clear policy about lending things to others; or setting an “energetic boundary” to keep painful actions and remarks from wounding your heart; or anything else — you can get crystal clear about why that boundary matters to you.
Why do you want to change the way things are now?
What will change for the better when the new boundary is in place?
Think about how you will feel, the time that will open up for you, the benefits to the relationship you have with another person, etc.
When you have the what and the why clearly in mind, implementing the boundary (the how) is going to be easier than you may think.
How to set any boundary, in 3 steps
When you are clear about a given boundary you want to set, and why it matters, follow these steps to set and hold that boundary.
1. Articulate the boundary clearly and specifically.
Start by getting crystal clear about the person or people you will set this boundary with. One person may be your focus now, but there may be others with whom that boundary also needs to be set.
Next, be very clear about what the boundary entails, and what it will look like when it is in place.
With this clarity you will be ready to communicate the specifics to the party or parties you have identified.
2. Understand that you can communicate boundaries with kindness.
Some boundaries are low-stakes, and may not feel intimidating to set. And, even the boundaries you feel most concerned about setting can be set with kindness.
Keep in mind that “kind” is different than “nice.” You do not need to fall into people-pleasing mode at all! You can kindly tell someone that you have commitments that preclude you from taking on new volunteer assignments, or that you are no longer able to answer calls on the weekend, or that you have established a new policy about loaning money.
Keep in mind, too, that your boundaries are kind to yourself, and that that is important!
3. Stay consistent.
Once you have communicated the new boundary, you may find that others do not fully respect that boundary. They may hope you will “relax the rule” or make exceptions for them. They may forget out of habit. They may try to persuade you to return to the pre-boundary way of interacting.
Keep the reason the boundary mattered to you to start with firmly in mind. Stay clear and determined about sustaining your new policy.
In time, people will either honor your boundary or not. If they choose not to honor your boundary you will have important information and can make a decision about making changes to that relationship.
Start small, but start!
Whether you are nervous about setting any new boundary, or you feel called to set a bold boundary, it will be best to start with setting a small, low-stakes boundary.
One that is likely to be easy for others to accept (and may be harder for you to stick to!), is to set limits on when you will respond to emails. You may want to add a signature to your emails stating when people will receive replies from you. (For example, you might say that you check emails twice each day, at 9:00am and 4:00pm, and that you respond to emails within 24 hours.)
After you have a couple of easy-to-communicate boundaries in place, you can aim for setting a boundary that is a bit more emotionally weighty. Being clear about the new boundary, and having a plan in place to communicate with kindness, you are likely to feel ready to declare your new boundary.
Big rewards await you
Be sure, after you have established each boundary, to take note of the impact it has for you, and celebrate yourself — you deserve to feel proud!
Each boundary you put in place creates clear space for you to bring more joy, more play, more creativity and more of what lights you up into your life.
That is what living big is all about!
