The surprising key to growth and self-love

Saturday was Yom Kipur, a high holy day on the Jewish calendar that is a day of repentance for ways we each missed the mark in the year past.  

And who of us has not missed the mark? 

I spent the day in deep contemplation, supported by magnificent music and moved by prayers that ranged from sobering to uplifting. 

The entire congregation committed to living with awareness and prayed to be written into the book of life for the year ahead.

And at our synagogue we take a break between the morning and afternoon services. There is a panel discussion where four congregants speak on a topic. Past topics have included social justice, personal journeys, family histories, and more. 

This year’s panel topic was failure.

Each speaker shared an experience of failure and what happened afterwards, or what they learned. 

We all experience failure

Had I been asked to speak publicly about failure in my life, I would have thought long and hard about which failure to share. There have been countless times I felt like a failure, and many times when I failed in ways that others could clearly see. 

It is unsettling and uncomfortable to think about failure.

And yet, we have all experienced it, and in looking back we can consider how we moved on and what we learned. We can also think about how we might face inevitable failures in the future.

This resource can lessen the sting of failure

If you have been reading my Big Ideas for a while, you are aware that I teach that practicing self-love provides a foundation for living your best life.

While self-love is a big topic (you can find several past blog posts on the subject here), let’s talk about how self-love supports you when you fail — whether that is failing to meet your own expectations or failing at a task, in a job, in a relationship, or any other way.

When you build a solid foundation of love for yourself, you acknowledge and believe in all of your gifts. You are able to be less harsh with yourself.

If you do your best and fall short you can be more self-forgiving.

And if you have a more painful or serious failure, a strong foundation of self-love enables you to acknowledge the lapse, do what you can to make amends, and commit to ways you will make changes and move forward.

How will you move on from failure?

Because we are all imperfect, we will all fall short from time to time.

We will all fail.

If you can see each failure as an opportunity to learn something new — about yourself, or a new way to approach a problem, or that there are new possibilities you had not considered, or that there are new skills you can learn, or that there is help you can tap in the future — you will see that failure can take you to new and better places.

Failures can lead you to a brighter future.

It all depends on how you choose to think about and respond to them.

My failures, as painful as many have been, became valuable resources for me when I learned to mine them for insight rather than sit with pain and remorse. 

I wish you a year of health, joy, and growth, supported by abundant self-love.

The power of intuition

As I used to rush through my days, I rarely slowed down to pay attention to small intuitive messages I occasionally received as whispers of warning.

And when I did get a feeling that something was amiss — like that a new prospective client was going to be hard to work with, or something felt “off” about a situation, I often ignored or over-rode the message.

I would convince myself it would be ok, or that my team would be able to handle the matter, or that it was not really something to take so seriously. 

Invariably, my initial instinct was correct.

I would have been wise to trust and heed that small voice in my head.

Sadly, when I ignored those intuitive messages, the reality sometimes turned out to be worse than I had a hunch it might be.

I finally decided to pay attention and to trust my gut.

Do you hear what your gut is telling you?

When you are perpetually busy it’s hard to hear the messages your gut — your intuition, your second brain — is sending you.

Even still, getting a “feeling” that something is not a good idea has happened for nearly all of us.

If you recall something like that, you have evidence. 

The fact is, your intuition is powerful and has a lot to tell you. The key is to create the conditions to hear what it’s saying, and then to actually listen to what you hear.

How to clearly hear the small voice inside you

It’s hard to hear what intuition wants you to know when your attention is focused on doing, or you are constantly checking in on your phone or otherwise filling your brain with “input”.

Instead, create a little quiet. Sit. Breathe slowly. Walk outside. Meditate. Take any sort of break without doing anything productive. 

You may be surprised at what shows up when you consistently make space for some quiet in your life. (Even a few minutes a day works wonders.)

The more you practice this, the more it will feel like a normal part of your life. And more messages from that wise voice inside are likely to come up.

Why it can be hard to trust your gut — and how to build that trust

A big reason people ignore or over-ride intuitive messages is fear. 

When you are afraid to give up a new project, or leave a job that makes you miserable, or stay away from someone who may be a risk to your wellbeing — even when red lights of warning start flashing inside — you are likely to convince yourself it will all be fine. 

When uncertainty about what might come next feels too risky, or you habitually try to please someone, or not disappoint them, fear convinces you to mistrust the voice inside that’s telling you “Pay attention!”

Being able to recognize when fear is at play, and see how it is aiming to influence you, you can look at a situation with fresh eyes.

You can remind yourself that your inner voice knows a lot and is trust-worthy.  Look again at what it is urging you to consider. Proceed with eyes open and make choices that will ultimately serve you best.

Over time, you will have evidence that your “second brain” is filled with great wisdom and is a trustworthy guide.

It’s time to listen and trust

Take a moment to slow things down and get quiet today. Listen — to the subtle sounds around you and to messages that may show up.

Be patient. It may take a while for you to hear intuitive messages. 

They will come.

And they may come at unexpected times, like in the midst of a conversation, or while doing something routine, like washing dishes or driving a route you know so well it does not take a lot of concentration.

As you spot them, listen, trust, and choose your best way forward. You are sure to see how powerful your second brain is — and how powerful you are as you move ahead to create your best life.

Finding your way through difficult times

There are times when we all feel a bit raw, tender, maybe emotional.

In my case, I am focused on time I spent with my father over the weekend. At age 97, there have been significant changes in his stamina and ability to converse each time I fly to Philadelphia to visit him. I was there mid-summer and 4 weeks ago. The shifts I saw this time were striking. My next visit will be in a week. I find myself thinking about him no matter what is going on.

There are many matters that can impact us like this.

News of external world events is making many people feel raw.

You may be facing challenges or thinking about any number of things that pull on your heart as you move through your days.

And, life goes on.

We show up — sometimes with less focus or consistency than we’d wish.

How to move ahead when your heart aches

Our hearts are amazing repositories — of love, of strength, of wisdom.

It is in quietly going into your heart that you can find solace, insights, and sometimes even answers.

Try using these 5 steps:

1. Quietly sit in silence and feel into your heart.

2. Focus on connecting to love. 

That love is powerful in myriad ways.

When you connect to love, when you trust its power, you can build trust in yourself to navigate through the challenges.

3. Trust that you have this.

Trust that loving actions you take and thoughts you think will be felt by people around you and can have a profound impact. Sometimes you will see evidence of the impact. Many times you will be unaware of how the vibrations of loving energy touch and influence others.

Trust that when love is felt by others, much is possible that is beyond what we can imagine right now.

Trust that you will have all that you need to move ahead. Trust yourself to reach out for help and support. Trust yourself to allow your intuition to guide you. Trust yourself to feel all of your feelings and know that you will be ok.

4. Release any grip you may feel — fear, tension, anxiety.

Come back to love and to trust. Ask for help to release your grip if that’s what you need. Be patient and take one step at a time in the direction that matters most.

5. Stay in the present moment and focus on love, again and again.

You may find that a walk in nature, or sitting with hands on your heart, or listening to music that elevates your emotions helps you to stay present and keep your focus on love. You may want to reach out to someone, or you may prefer to be alone.

Then think about the next thing to do, and thoughtfully make your best choice about the action you will take.

Remember to acknowledge and love yourself — for simply being you, and for your ability to Live Big no matter what is happening in your life.

Savoring time off the grid

Writing my weekly blog is something I love to do and feel deeply committed to.

This week, I am away at a retreat with my coach and a wonderful group of people doing deep personal work alongside me.

I am honoring myself by being fully present in this experience.

Enjoy this photo of the magnificent landscape I am inspired by while in Texas.

It’s your time to shine

The last two weeks we focused on why so many amazing women second-guess themselves, and how we can all connect to the truth in our hearts. Now it’s time to look at ways to practice speaking the truth you found there.

Is it time to speak more of your truth? Start small!

The power of small, steady steps is often overlooked.

Whether you’ve been holding back on speaking up about something that matters to you, or a new revelation emerged that you want to express, find a person and/or setting that feels safe and supportive. 

Tell them you want to share something meaningful that they may not have heard from you before. Ask if they can be a sounding board for you and withhold judgement or opinion. 

Then share that idea.

If you hear voices of doubt, remind yourself that you are terrific. Also remind yourself that this is a safe way to start. The person you chose, or the small group, will listen and respond positively.

And, even if that person or someone in the group does not agree with you, that’s fine. Own your ideas and opinions.

Keep practicing

The more you practice speaking your truth, the more people will expect (and in many cases look forward to) hearing what you have to say.

And your satisfaction and comfort speaking your truth will grow over time.

When there is a bigger matter to speak up or out about — soon after you get comfortable with this way of showing up or somewhere down the line — you will be a woman who feels in her power to clearly speak her truth

Are you ready to step into your biggest, best life?

Maybe you know there is more greatness in you that's waiting to emerge. You want to show up fully, without fear, and live your best life.

Maybe you are at a crossroads or in a transition and yearn to set your compass with clarity to move confidently into a truly fulfilling future.

Maybe you are focused on a career decision, or a relationship, or want to make another change, and feel stuck.

If any of these resonate in your heart, you can move into your most satisfying future — and have a true breakthrough more quickly than you may think.

The Live Big Live! program was created for you.

Dozens of women have experienced life-changing breakthroughs in this program.

You will be part of a small cohort of remarkable women and be guided to make deeply meaningful personal discoveries. When you arrive at our fabulous 3-day retreat, your discoveries will crystalize into a powerful vision — of the women you are becoming and the life you want to create.

We go deep together, in a space filled with loving energy. We play, we create, we share, and sometimes tears are shed. All of it supports life-changing breakthroughs, that I have been thrilled to witness at each Live Big Live! retreat.

Read what past participants have said about Live Big Live! (Enjoy the short videos there, too.)

Take your first step!

Let’s have a call to see if this program is right for you.

Schedule a call today

Another fast way to connect is to simply email me and we’ll make a date.

The power of your mindset may surprise you

I have lots of conversations with women who are contemplating their lives and their futures. I listen to them describe the desires they have and the challenges that stand in their way. As I listen, I tune in to their orientation to themselves and the world.

I listen for signs of a mindset that is limited, or what Carol Dweck calls a “fixed mindset,” as well as indicators that they have what Dweck calls a “growth mindset” in her renowned book, Mindset.

I call that an expansive mindset.

Why do I pay attention to that?

Because the deep work I do with my clients leads to success for those with many characteristics of an expansive mindset.

Someone with a deeply fixed mindset is not able to benefit in the same way. A fixed mindset will not only frustrate her, it will frustrate me.

Your mindset can support you to becoming a powerful creator

Your outlook on the world impacts how you live each day — and how you can begin to live an even more satisfying life tomorrow than today.

And while none of us embodies a expansive mindset in every dimension of our lives, those of us who begin with (or endeavor to fully develop) an expansive mindset have a smoother path to creating a life that truly satisfies them — what I call living big.

What, specifically, does an expansive mindset look like?

• You have an expansive mindset when you appreciate your gifts and talents. And you believe that you can develop and expand those talents and skills.

• You see potential and believe that you can figure things out, rather than being pessimistic or allowing yourself to feel defeated.

• You learn to add a powerful little word to sentences like these: “I don’t know how to do that,” or “I can’t accomplish my goal.” By changing statements like those to: “I don’t know how to do that yet,” and “I haven’t yet accomplished my goal,” you are open and ready and motivated to continue and succeed.

• You believe that you can always learn and grow.

• You believe that you can figure things out — yourself, or with help.

• You try new things without fear. You experiment, and when early attempts fall short, you refine and try new approaches. You focus on solutions, believing in your ability as a creator to find solutions.

• You take consistent action. This means you focus on the journey, not just the destination.

• You learn from every new experience — the great ones, and the tough ones — knowing all of them inform you and help you continue to learn and grow.

• You don’t compare yourself to others (which is always a bad idea). Rather, you are inspired by others, and you can support, encourage and celebrate them — even if they are “ahead” of you in some ways.

• You are true to yourself and your values.

• You keep fear at bay. This doesn't mean you don’t ever feel fear, but you learn to keep it from stopping or limiting you.

• You are open and curious, you listen, and you learn.

• You believe that life is good, even when you are moving through rough patches. When the going is tougher (which is inevitable from time to time), you shift to hope and optimism. You trust yourself.

• You surround yourself with others who are like-minded, who also approach the world with an expansive mindset.

Do you see yourself in this list?

Few of us can “check off” all the boxes on the list above! Even those who have focused on personal development and are doing well need to return to practices that keep them on course with an expansive mindset.

And those who have not yet embarked on personal development work may have more than a few unchecked boxes. That’s ok.

When you start with enough of a foundation in an expansive mindset, and a deep desire to grow and create your ideal life, you can step up to developing more of it.

And you can stay on course, too, especially when you have good tools and when you have support.

Are you looking to leverage your expansive mindset for more growth?

If you want to step up in your life to become the biggest and best version of yourself, and start creating the future you deeply desire, I invite you to share your challenges and your dreams with me. You can also learn how I may be able to help you make those dreams a reality.

Let’s hop on a call. Click here to grab a spot on my calendar. I promise you will gain new insights and perspective on what’s possible for you.

Stay safe and well, and keep creating.