You can choose happiness, too

Visiting Galleries in New York made me very happy!

In the midst of an especially busy summer that started with a lot of tiring work-related travel, and with some big deadlines approaching as well as some other stress playing out, I left town to spend a special long weekend with my husband.

We went to New York to celebrate our anniversary, and we had a marvelous time away.

At any other time, a trip like this would be a breeze — full of joyous anticipation and leisurely planning. Given the array of current circumstances, this trip was more of a challenge for me.

Happily, my sweetheart did much of the planning. He surprised me with wonderful places to go, and planned for each day to unfold at a lovely pace. He even got the weather to cooperate! It could not have been more special.

And the truth is, before we left I was not feeling so excited.

As much as I wanted to go away and enjoy this time with him, I had a lot on my mind. I had not been sleeping very well, and was concerned about feeling distracted and preoccupied.

And then I made a choice.

I chose happiness

I remembered that I get to choose the way I respond — to everything in my life.

I decided that I wanted to be happy. And I chose to be.

It would have been easier to allow distracted thoughts to predominate. It would have been easy to fit in bits of work here and there. It would have been easy to check and respond to emails all day, as I am in the habit of doing.

Instead, I chose to be present.

I chose play and fun.

I chose delight and adventure.

I chose love.

I decided that all of the rest could and would wait.

Now, having returned, and having returned my focus to all the matters that preceded our get-away, I’ve made another choice.

I continue to choose happiness

I had help making this choice.

I was reminded of what I can control in my life, and what is out of my control. (Many thanks to a dear teacher and friend for sharing the wisdom with me.)

And I realized that happiness is something I can choose with ease when I bear in mind the wisdom of those two categories.

I realized, too, that I have the choice to feel stressed, or to trust myself to meet my deadlines.

I have the choice to ruminate over things that are contentious or address them calmly as I make a case for what I believe is fair and just.

I will control what is mine to control and not let the rest rob me of happiness.

I welcome you to download the graphic below, that I made to help me remain clear about what I can and cannot control.

What choices are you making now?

If you are thinking about how to make the next part of your life truly fulfilling — to overcome stress, confusion, doubt, or anything else that is challenging you now — you may want to consider having a guide and mentor to support you.

I invite you to schedule a call and we can talk about what’s in the way for you now, and what’s possible. (There's no cost or obligation for us to talk.)

Here’s how to schedule a call: LiveBigCall.com

Let’s take these 3 steps together

I hope your holiday weekend was a happy one.

Perhaps, like me, you spent time with people you love, and yet your feelings about celebrating our country’s independence felt more sober this year.

Did you, too, find yourself reflecting on the meaning of independence and freedom with a heavy heart?

I have written about our relationship to freedom before. You may want to read How free do you feel?, that I wrote in July 2021. And 2 years ago my topic was Is your definition of freedom too small?

We cannot take freedom for granted

Freedoms that many of us long took as a given are now gone, and more are in danger.

This can make us feel powerless — a subject I wrote about last week. I included a list of ways we can each use our power now, that you may want to look over.

I believe that taking action is the path to the changes so many of us want to see.

Where and how to start

1. Begin with awareness of your energy

Taking meaningful action begins with our state of mind. Positive thoughts lead to positive outcomes — and, yes, sustaining positive thoughts can feel challenging in times like these.

I invite you to consider the energy you cultivate and bring to your days. As my mentor often reminds me, the energy from which you create (anything) impacts the outcomes you experience.

Practices like these will support you to sustain positive energy, and will impact everything you do.

• Start (or expand) a daily gratitude practice.

• Get ample rest and nourish your body.

• Focus on love. Embrace kindness and compassion.

• Spend time outdoors. Nature is a natural healer.

• Look for wonder all around you. (It’s always there!)

• Notice if you slip into negativity and actively reframe your thoughts.

Positive energy generates more positive energy! The people around you will feel it, and be attracted to it, and a great expanding cycle is set in motion.

2. Consider the people with whom you spend time

We are social creatures, and the people with whom we spend time have a great influence on our state of mind.

Are you surrounding yourself with, or tolerating, people who are bitter, angry, or dour?

Do you actively choose to be with people who are uplifting and inspiring?

When you choose to surround yourself with people who exude positive energy, who are creative thinkers, and who look for opportunities to take meaningful action that aligns with your values, you boost your energy. And, you amplify the impact of your shared efforts, which in turn engages more like-minded people.

And while many of us must interact with people who see the world through a negative filter, appreciate that those interactions can be managed with careful thought and by setting healthy boundaries.

3. Lead the way

Most of us are inclined to sit back and wait for others to lead us.

I believe we all have the opportunity to be leaders now.

Some people will organize efforts on a grand scale, and that is great. We benefit when individuals and organizations bring people and resources together to create collective action at scale.

We can contribute to those large efforts. Each person who shows up to march, writes a check, makes a call, or writes a postcard adds to the positive outcomes that are possible.

And consider this.

Many people fail to appreciate that all of us can take action to lead in small and powerful ways — each day.

In our conversations, in speaking up when we might typically stay silent, in inviting people to be engaged and collaborate, we have power.

Stepping into your power and speaking your truth are key ways you Live Big. The more you do it, the more natural it becomes to live and lead that way.

Please join me

I believe that in this moment we are being called to use our power to restore and expand liberty.

While it will take time and commitment, we can build a society that is just for all, where all can exercise freedom.

Let’s be creators of change and lead together.

How to harness your power now

Today I am thinking about power, and about feeling powerless.

We have enormous personal power — even if it is not unlimited.

I strive to connect to my personal power each day, and I support my clients to embrace and step into their power.

That may be the the most fundamental way we live big.

What does personal power look like?

We claim our power when we show up fully and authentically. We are able to be vulnerable. We show the world who we are, without fear of judgment.

We claim our power when we identify, and then commit to living our values.

We connect to our truth by slowing down and going deep into our hearts. We then speak our truth without second-guessing ourselves.

We live with love as the driver, letting love inform all of our decisions, actions, and interactions.

We take bold action — even when we do so quietly.

We create the best next step to take all day, every day — even when our options are limited or look bleak.

In all of these ways, we exercise personal power.

Our personal power can be put to the test

The Supreme Court decision last week has taken away the right to abortion for millions of people in our country. We knew it was coming. And yet when the news of the ruling arrived, and as we have started to closely look at the way it was written, many of us feel shock and fear.

This is unjust, and contrary to the way the majority of Americans feel about this crucial right.

Add to that the prospect of losing other rights that we have had for years and decades, stripping us of liberty and choice. This compounds the emotions of anger, dread, fear and powerlessness that many of us are processing.

We are being robbed of personal power to make life-changing decisions about our bodies and our futures.

Many are struggling to know what to do.

What can we do when we feel powerless?

Start with creating a foundation that will support you.

1. Feel the emotions

Strong emotions can feel frightening. Whether the fear or anger are so intense you are concerned they may explode, or you are inclined to push the emotions away because they are so big, I invite you to sit with what you feel. Do some writing. Walk out tension in nature. Draw the feelings you feel, or dance the emotions out to music that will move them through you.

Some way of “exercising” your emotions will help you to make your best decisions about what to do next.

2. Speak with like-minded people

This is not the time to isolate yourself. When you engage with others new ideas and possibilities come more quickly. As well, the possibilities of positive action are greater when we collaborate with others.

3. Learn all you can

It is important to be fully informed about the impact of the ruling and related issues — the real toll, the real risks, to real lives.

Next, marshal all of the power at your disposal.

Specific ways we can use our power now

If you share my views in this moment, I invite you to consider these ways to use your power now.

• We each have the power to support candidates for office whose values align with your own. That support can include financial donations, phone banks, postcard campaigns, and more.

• We each have the power to identify candidates who stand for the liberties we believe are the right of every citizen.

• We each have the power to help elect such candidates to local, state and national offices.

• In addition to our power to vote, we have the power to help like-minded people everywhere get mobilized to vote, and help to get them to the polls on election days — in our towns, cities and states, and in locations across the country.

• We each have the power to use our voices, in one-on-one conversations, at rallies, and on many platforms where we connect to others. (This inspiring article shows what one artist created to help people do that in great numbers.)

• We each have the power to support organizations that are focused on helping women to safely access abortion care — especially if they must travel to get that care.

We can all take action and create change

Our collective power has proven to be formidable in the past, and can be now.

We must take action on many fronts.

None of us has to do it all, and we certainly are stronger together than when we act alone.

We can prepare ourselves emotionally, commit to playing our part, and find people and organizations with whom to partner. Together our action will lead to solutions.

As we look ahead to the holiday weekend when we will celebrate the birth of our nation and the liberty it promised, we are aware that liberty was not declared for all when the Declaration of Independence was drafted. As a result of dedicated effort, some gaps were filled over time.

A most important liberty has now been taken away, and this decision is cruelly aimed at women.

We are being called to use our power and stand for personal liberty for all.

Let’s stand together.

Have you tapped the treasures in your heart?

Now that the weather is mild and most of us are emerging from isolation, we are also becoming more aware of the impacts the last two years have had. All of us have experienced them to one degree or another, and in many different ways.

And, after the week of devastating news about another horrific, senseless shooting, coupled with concerns about wars, disease, and more that are ongoing, it is easy to feel stressed, despondent and even anxious.

Life can hold joys and wonders for us, even as we feel pain, sadness, and experience stress. The balance is always shifting, ebbing and flowing.

The best resource is your heart

When you connect to your heart and explore what is there, you will find treasures.

Sit in stillness and assess two things:
what you are feeling, and what you desire.

If your heart aches, it may sound counterintuitive to characterize that as a treasure. But whenever we connect to our emotions and our desires — both of which we find when we make a heart connection — we are enriched.

Being aware of and honoring our emotions enables us to be fully aware, rather than hiding from or ignoring our feelings.

Knowing what we truly want gives us a valuable compass.

Connect to the feelings you find

When assessing what you feel, you may find one clear emotion rings out, or a cocktail of several kinds of feelings in a jumble. In either case, honor what you feel.

Sadness, anger, pain or stress need to be acknowledged so you can find support and apply techniques to soften them, rather than experiencing prolonged discomfort.

Joy, love, excitement and pleasure can be celebrated, and thus can expand rather than being taken for granted or pushed aside in the midst if a busy life.

Focus on your desires

It is notable to me how many people with whom I work are not able to easily identify what they want.

They may struggle to know what they want in the moment, and feel flummoxed by the question if they are asked about what they want in terms of the direction for their life or future.

The answers lie in your heart, and can be found when you jog them loose.

One way to get clear is to do a powerful exercise with a partner that I teach in my book Live Big: A Manifesto for a Creative Life. If you have the book, you will find it on page 79.

And there is a short list of questions you can ask yourself each morning for a few days, on page 125. Use a journal to note what shows up.

Here are the questions:

• What do I want?

• What will bring me happiness, or enhance the happiness I feel in this moment?

• What does my heart yearn for now?

• What is my gut trying to tell me?

• How can I make today amazing?

These questions will open up your truths. You may even be surprised at what shows up when you answer without editing or judging the realizations.

What to do next

How to process deep difficult emotions will vary.

Often your awareness, plus journalling about the feelings, creating in any way you wish with the emotion you feel as your energetic “fuel”, or reaching out for support (from a friend or counselor) will be what you need to lighten or transform those emotions. If you continue to struggle, a consultation with your primary care physician can be a good first step to find a therapist or other help.

And when you become clear about the desires you have you can take steps toward what you want.

In the near-term, honor your desires. If you crave fresh air, make time to get outdoors. If you miss time with a particular person or group of friends, make a plan to get together. If a particular food appeals to you, enjoy it. Get accustomed to knowing what you want and feeling deserving of the things you desire.

And when you are clear about important things for you that are longer-term — perhaps related to a change in the work you do, the place you live, or a relationship, start laying the groundwork to create that reality in your life.

We have the power to be creators of the lives we want

When you are clear about what that is, and able to process and shift difficult emotions that limit you, you can take one small step followed by the next small step in the direction of your vision. Those baby steps add up and you will see that the momentum builds!

Here is a question for you:

How will you begin today?

Until next week, stay safe and well, and create your life with joy.

What to do when life feels out of control

Most accomplished women find that they have over-committed themselves at one time or another.

It can happen because of big demands at work, big family demands, or voluntarily taking on something big and important in addition to ongoing work and personal responsibilities.

And sometimes life happens, and things pile up despite our best efforts to keep things sane.

At other times we feel called to take on that big extra something knowing it will be demanding, because it is so important to us.

One of my clients shared that she found herself in a situation like that this week, and I recalled having been there myself.

The “extra” commitment she knowingly took on was urgent and it meant a lot to her. And then it ballooned into something even bigger, demanding even more time and energy.

The stress and exhaustion she described took me back to times I thought I would burst at the seams trying to manage way too much. I wish I had known then what I know today.

What happens when you are in over your head

In addition to witnessing stress and exhaustion, I saw that my client, a brilliant woman, felt trapped. She felt trapped by the pressure and was not able to see a way out.

A toxic combination like that can be overwhelming, and in that state it is hard to think clearly. It is also hard to make decisions that are in your best interest.

This is a form of burnout.

We think of burnout as a long-term issue that takes a big toll. But short-term periods of high stress are not to be ignored. They, too, take a significant toll.

3 steps to take when you feel overwhelmed

The first thing to go out the window when in the midst of very high stress is your ability to find your center and take care of yourself. Knowing how to find release from crushing stress is crucial.

Try these 3 ways to ground yourself:

1. Your breath is your ally

Of course we all breathe all the time. But the way you breathe can have a remarkable impact.

When stressed, you are likely to take shallow breaths as you plow through tasks.

This is the time to pause, shut the office door or find a spot to get quiet, and slowly breathe with intention. You might put your hands on your heart as you breathe deeply, filling your belly. Then exhale even more slowly. Pause and repeat.

After breathing quietly and slowly for a couple of minutes you will find yourself feeling more grounded, centered and present.

As your system quiets, you can also connect to your body, feel fully into your heart, and calmly tune into your thoughts.

2. Turn your attention to self-care

With newfound calm, you will likely be able to appreciate that some things must wait, as you consider what you need most to take care of yourself.

Maybe you need healthy food to fuel your body. Maybe you need to get out for some fresh air and movement, or get to bed and catch up on your sleep.

Ask yourself what your body needs and what will fuel your spirit.

If you run yourself ragged, you will do no good for anyone else, and the projects you are trying to work on will suffer.

Ultimately the outcomes will be better if you are fresher when you return to the demands that you had been exhausting yourself to focus on.

3. Leverage the efforts of others

Ask others for help and support! Seek out friendship, moral support and practical help.

Look to delegate as much as you can — even if you believe you would “do it better” than others might.

And here are some related ideas to consider.

Think about whether parts of the effort can be postponed. Are the deadlines really set in stone?

Maybe you can drop some of what you have been focused on. Does all of it have to be done?

Think about as many ways to lighten your load as you can.

Ward off potential overwhelm early

The best part of having moved through a tough period such as this, and having experienced positive results using some or all of the techniques noted above, is that you will be better able to recognize the warning signs of impending overwhelm in the future.

I am happy to say that my client took time to give herself the space and care she needed to look at the situation with fresh eyes. She has updated her plan for moving ahead. While she knows challenges still lie ahead, she has a sharper perspective and is feeling better.

And she will be less likely to find herself caught off-guard in the future.

Ideally, you, too, can be alert and make choices and decisions that will prevent you from finding yourself in the midst of major overwhelm.

Of course, there may well be times that something huge appears in your life, that must be dealt with. 

Knowing that you have actions to take to keep you from experiencing full-blown overwhelm, or to help you get back to equilibrium, will help.

You will know to take the first step: to slow down your breathing. From that quiet place you will be able to make your best decisions.

Stay safe and well, and create your life with joy.

How to make each day a little easier

When people ask how you are, is your answer usually, “Busy!”? You may use other expressions that convey there's a lot — maybe too much — going on.

Maybe you live in over-drive, like so many accomplished professionals I know and speak to. Some wear their fast-paced, often stress-filled striving like a badge of honor. Some feel exhausted and are looking for a way to reduce the intensity.

Whichever camp you may be in, there is a strikingly simple way to make things easier, that I discovered and use all the time.

Self-talk can provide a huge assist

The frame of mind we choose, and the energy that is supported by our thinking, can result in very different experiences.

Consider these two ways to approach the same situation.

Scenario 1: 

This person sits down at her desk and looks over a huge list of things to do before the end of the day.

She says to herself, “This is going to be hard! It will take all day, and maybe into the evening, to get it done.”

She gets to work and pushes through the hours. She barely takes a break, and finds herself feeling irritable.

Scenario 2: 

Another person starts her day looking at a similar list.

She says to herself, “Wow, there’s a lot on this list! What if it does not have to be hard? What if it’s easy to get through these tasks? I have an abundance of time!”

She starts her work, feeling good about all she will accomplish. She moves from task to task, and takes a brief break each hour. She also makes sure to eat well mid-day.

Their outcomes

In Scenario 1, the day ends with a lot accomplished but she feels depleted. She gets home feeling weary and dreading more of the same for the rest of the week.

In Scenario 2, the day ends with a lot accomplished and she feels satisfied and eager to have a nice evening. She knows there is a lot to do the rest of the week, and knows she will approach each day with a similar orientation.

Turn around thoughts that make life harder

A good rule of thumb that will help you shift your self-talk to experience more ease and better outcomes is to turn around the thoughts that do not support you to bring your best energy to tasks at hand (and hamper your outcomes, too).

That’s right. You can reframe negative thoughts to be the opposite — thus turning them into in positive thoughts.

Our negative way of thinking is often on “automatic,” because we do it so regularly.

It’s easier to change those patterns than you may think.

Here are some examples. I’ll begin with a review of the common thoughts noted in the scenarios above.

1. “It‘s going to be hard.”

Most of us use this statement without considering its impact.

Here are a few ways this thinking can show up:
“Making our travel arrangements is going to be hard.”
“This will be a hard conversation.”
“It’s always hard to find the best solution to problems like this one.”

We set ourselves up for struggle when we think this way at the start.

By turning each around, we can feel positive, and maybe even look forward to the experience of making those travel arrangements or solving those problems. In the case of anticipating a “hard” conversation, a turnaround statement helps us defuse the heavy emotion and approach the conversation with more ease. This shift may even help you feel more confident.

2. “There’s not enough time.”

This is something I found myself saying nearly daily for years. One day, my coach looked at a full agenda of things we planned to get through in a day, and said, “There’s a lot here, and we have an abundance of time!”

Not only did her energy shift when she said that, mine did, too. We found that we moved through everything we intended, and really enjoyed the process.

I have been reminding myself that there is an abundance of time ever since, and it’s been a game-changer. My clients have loved adopting this approach, too.

3. “This is complicated.” 

Sure, some things are complex, but you can look at the same circumstances and say, “I can figure this out! It may not be so complicated.”

Can you envision how differently you will feel as you move ahead with this frame of mind?

4. “This is stressful.”

You might turn this statement around and tell yourself, “This is an interesting situation. It feels stressful, but it does not have to be.” 

What other negative thoughts can you notice, and start to turn around?

Start paying attention to your self-talk today

When you bring awareness to habitual ways of thinking that make your life harder, you are able to consciously make small (and significant) shifts in your thinking. Why not begin now?

If you try it, and see that day-to-day life becomes easier and more enjoyable, I would love to hear about what is working for you and the difference it’s making.

Leave a comment or email me me to let me know.

And now, I will return to my to-do list for the day. I know I have all the time I need to get through it!

Stay safe and well, and create your life with joy.

How to stay strong now

We are living day by day in the midst of troubling world events.

We have been especially challenged for the last two years, and life always includes challenges. Now, the invasion in Ukraine fills us with deep pain and concern.

We need strength

Truthfully, we always need strength. We need strength to cope with challenges related to health matters, strained relationships, loss and grief, financial pressures, uncertainty, and a host of small daily issues that can knock us off course.

And in this moment, we especially need to find strength — for ourselves, for each other, and to send into the world to support people everywhere who are at risk.

How to find strength

When we are stressed, connecting to our strength may feel difficult. This process may help you:

1. Connect to your emotions.

When you slow down and identify what you are feeling, you have awareness of your current state. Rather than pushing these emotions down, allow yourself to name them and feel them.

(You may want to check out the article I wrote last week, where I shared great ways to give difficult emotions an outlet.)

2. Create calm.

Getting still and quiet allows you to breathe with intension and calm your system.

You may want to place your hands on your heart and imagine your heart breathing in love on each inhale. With each exhale, allow yourself to release tension, as you consciously relax your body.

(You can do this for as little as a single minute, you can quietly breath calmly for longer stretches, and you can pause and create calm multiple times in your day.)

3. Try using the Discovery Dozen™ exercise.

If you have my book, you are familiar with this great tool, that can be used in many ways.

The Discovery Dozen structure is simple. It begins with creating a fill-in-the-blank sentence. You then complete the sentence 12 times, each time with a different ending. The key is to write quickly and not edit yourself.

Try this one.

First jot down a challenging emotion you identified (or pick one, if several came up for you). Now you are ready to construct your Discovery Dozen sentence. Write it at the top of the page:

To find my strength in spite of feeling [your emotion], I ____________ .

Quickly complete that sentence 12 times. (You can number 1 through 12 down the side of the page to make it easy to write quickly without pausing to count.)

For example, your completed sentences might say:

• To find my strength in spite of feeling fearful, I can remind myself of times I bravely stood up for myself.

• To find my strength in spite of feeling fearful, I can remember I am not in danger right now.

• To find my strength in spite of feeling fearful, I will find organizations to support, to help others.

You can make more Discovery Dozen sentences, to explore other dimensions of strength. Consider these possibilities:

I feel strong when _____________ .

When I feel strong I can/ I know/ _____________ .

To help others feel strong I can _____________ .

And feel free to make your own Discovery Dozen sentences, to both explore questions and generate ideas.

Couple strength with love

Strength takes many forms — some obvious, some bold, some subtle.

Your Discovery Dozen sentences may have illuminated many kinds of strength, that can be leveraged in many ways.

And when strength is matched with love, the impact can be astounding.

If we all support ourselves and each other with love and strength we can have more impact that you might imagine.

We can believe in the power of each person to hold, share, and send love.

We can commit to taking action — in many forms — rather than sitting by in distress. (One great idea is to make purchases of digital products from Ukrainian artists on Etsy, or tell them not to fulfill tangle product orders and keep the funds. Etsy is not charging Ukrainian artists service fees.)

We can hold the highest energetic vibration of love and send it to those in need of support anywhere on the globe, and those working to broker peace.

We can pray together, believing in the forces of love, light, and courage, and that this collective energetic force can impact the course of the conflict.

In these ways we can contribute to better outcomes, as we also support our own wellbeing.

When we stay strong and keep loving. we can help to create a better world.

The truth about forgiveness

Who among us hasn’t dealt with the issues of resentment and forgiveness?

When our feelings are hurt, it stings.

And when we experience more serious situations — where we feel deeply hurt or wronged — pain, resentment and anger are among the emotions that can grip us.

We can be upset about something that feels unjust that has happened to us.

We can be upset on behalf of someone about whom we care deeply.

We can even be upset on behalf of people we do not know, but for whom we feel tremendous empathy — such as a class of mistreated people, or those who are victims of cruelty.

How to cope with the pressure of resentment

Resentment brings on emotions that feel justified. If we keep them pent up, it often feels like tension is building inside, and that is an awful sensation.

But it does not have to be that way for long.

Allow yourself to feel all the emotion.

It’s important to acknowledge what you are feeling, and feel it all, without fear of the strong emotion. You can feel safe to feel it all if you don’t sit endlessly in the emotion and allow it to smolder or grow.

Here’s how to keep that from happening:

Give the emotion you feel an outlet.

You might journal about the anger or pain or bitterness you feel, or stomp it out on a walk in the woods.

Maybe you'll make a hideous picture of the anger, to wring the emotion out of your system.

Maybe you will turn up harsh music and dance out what is burdening you, until you feel spent.

Find what works for you, and know that any of these approaches will help free you of the emotional load of those heavy feelings.

Now you can consider forgiveness

Forgiving someone used to feel nearly impossible for me. It was not a problem for small slights or hurts, but when someone behaved in a way that had a deep negative impact for me, I was unable to imagine being able to forgive them.

This was modeled for me growing up. There were stories in my family about people who held onto grievances for years. And I witnessed some examples of that myself.

I wanted that division and bitterness to end, rather than continue to be a family trait. And yet, I personally struggled to be able to forgive. I could not forget what felt so painful, so how could I forgive?

At that time, I did not have tools or insights to help me, as I do now. Pain and resentment and bitterness lingered and festered, before I learned the ways to release the negative energy that I described above.

And then I learned more about forgiveness.

I learned that when when I felt unable to forgive, I was primarily hurting myself. That was a huge insight for me.

And when a wise person told me it was not necessary to forget in order to be able to forgive — and that I did need to excuse the person for the matter that hurt so much — the doors to healing opened for me.

I made the choice to forgive.

I realized that the prolonged suffering — that I felt, and that the other party apparently felt — was doing nothing to rectify the issue that set the chain of pain in motion.

I did not ask for or feel the need for an apology, or any acknowledgement.

I simply moved forward with love. I said I was putting the past behind me and asked if the other party wanted to move forward that way.

I am so glad the answer was yes. And I continue to be deeply grateful that I learned this lesson when I did.

We can all step into the light

I wish I could say that I’ve never needed to forgive since that day. That is hardly the case.

I find myself faced with matters from time to time that call on me to feel and release pain and hurt, and then forgive.

Sometimes I address the matter directly, as happened years back. Sometimes I make a private decision to forgive and move forward.

In both situations, I make the choice to live with love as my guiding force — for myself and the party I forgive.

I envision myself standing in the light of that love, at the highest energetic vibration I can feel. That energy keeps me moving forward, free from the weight of pain or resentment.

I believe that in time (and sometimes it takes more time than others), the love and the light I feel will be felt by the person I send it to.

So far, the evidence has been clear, and I trust that as I continue to forgive with love, I will see the same outcomes.

Are you ready to give yourself this gift?

If you are holding any bitterness in your heart, I invite you to explore the practice of letting yourself feel it with awareness, and then experiment with ways to release the emotion, to give yourself a sense of palpable relief.

You may need to do this more than once to feel better. That’s fine! You will know when you feel ready to consider the next step, forgiveness.

To begin to forgive, you might simply send loving thoughts toward the person you have been upset with.

You might suggest a conversation to declare that you want to move ahead with a fresh start, and ask if they want that as well.

If that feels like too big a step to take, you might send an email and not mention anything about the old issue. You can simply suggest spending time together doing something pleasant, and see if they want to join you. Even if it takes time, you can continue to make invitations like that.

In time, you may get a “Yes.”

And until that time, you will feel lighter, and free from the burden of resentment.

That is a fabulous gift.

Stay safe and well, and create with joy.

Are you a “pushaholic”?

Last week I shared about how my body forced me to slow down. In the article I urged you to chose to slow down and create more space for yourself.

I received many emails from readers who related to my tale and thanked me for my suggestion. That got me thinking more about why we drive ourselves so hard, and about specific ways to make a shift.

We have a choice, each day, to decide how we will live that day.

But most of us operate on autopilot, failing to pause and consider how we want to live.

Does this sound familiar?

Most of us muscle through our long list of tasks — pushing ourselves to get a lot done (as we try to get everything done on to-do lists that seem to be endless).

It feels logical to simply buckle down and work hard. After all, how else will we get to (or through) all of it?

If you take the time to pause and think about it, you may realize that that approach is far from ideal.

What happens when we push ourselves

When we push ourselves relentlessly we wear ourselves down and feel exhausted. We often feel resentful, or hopeless.

That makes it hard to feel energized, even about doing things that we like and want to do.

The stress of overwork leads many of us to burnout — feeling overwhelmed, drained, and unable to ever get caught up, much less ahead. Both our psyches and our bodies often pay a price — like mine did recently. We can suffer from headaches, intestinal issues, poor sleep, and more.

Consider this alternative

Instead of pushing so hard, what if you were open to allowing yourself to slow down a bit and welcome flow.

By that, I mean connecting to the reason that the things on your list matter to you, and then focusing on what is right for you.

Ask yourself: “Why are each of these things on my to-do list.” And, “Why am I doing them?”

Next ask: “What is on my list that is not aligned with what matters to me?”

Certainly, we all have some things to do that do not excite us. (I have to renew my driver’s license soon, and have forms to complete, and household tasks to get taken care of.) But when I think about why those things matter to me, I am able to approach them with more ease and enthusiasm. For instance, I want to drive with a current license that will also alow me to get through security at an airport for upcoming travels.

Even things you don’t like doing, there are some things that simply must get done (like paying your taxes on time). These can often be reframed in a way that makes them feel less heavy.

By focusing on the items and actions that excite me (as well as any “must-do’s that will keep me out of trouble), I can more easily decide to delegate some tasks to others. And I can choose not to do things that ended up on my list because I quickly said yes without realizing the “yes” was for the wrong reason.

(Things that we come to realize ought to be “no’s” typically show up because we feel obligated, do not set clear boundaries, or we are trying to please others more than make decisions that align with our desires and priorities.)

Take some time to decide what you can delegate and what you can drop.

The energy of flow is easier to access when your choices are clear and have meaning for you.

The last pieces of the puzzle

When you have “cleaned up your list” and connected to more positive energy, you can also reorder what is left. Take care of things in a sequence that serves you best.

And be sure to remember how much you can trust yourself to move forward with clarity and focus, even if it takes a little while to get the hang of this new way of living.

I invite you to also trust that the universe will support you, as you stay aligned with actions that are meaningful to you and that you approach with positivity.

I predict that, with practice, you will experience what I call the “flow energy” of operating this way. I have been making this shift and loving the results.

Why not give this approach a go today? Then, hit reply to let me know how it works for you.

Stay safe and well, and keep creating.

Don’t learn this lesson the hard way (like I did)

When I wrote to you last week I mentioned that I’d been away at a retreat and returned feeling very tired. That was just half the story.

The full story is that I was also ill. My GI system was not working well, and I was exhausted.

So in spite of having a big back-log of emails and tasks that I’d planned to get through when I returned, my body had other ideas. It sent me a big signal: slow down.

Slowing down has not always been easy for me!

The importance of slowing down is hardly a new insight for me. In fact, the first chapter of my book is titled Slow Down and Be Still. When I wrote the book, I realized that chapter had to come first, because I see it as the foundation for living big.

We live in a culture where doing, rushing, and pushing ourselves to achieve is celebrated. I bought into that for years, and have struggled to consistently slow down for at least a decade. I have made progress, but I often override my better judgement and keep my foot on the gas.

This past week my body shouted insistently at me. (It was anything but subtle!) I decided to listen and soften, rather than fight it. And I’m glad I did.

Slow down before your body forces the issue

I have had to remind myself of the benefits of slowing down more times than I care to admit. (As they say, we teach what we most need to learn.)

I know that there are great benefits to slowing down, and yet once again the universe stepped in to make sure I would take care of myself — and walk my talk!

I surrendered.

I rescheduled dates and tasks on my calendar that could wait. I slept long enough that I woke up feeling rested, without the sound of a harsh alarm to rouse me. I sat and meditated every day. I read. I took short walks to breathe fresh air and appreciate the beauty of the natural world. I quietly sipped warm cups of tea and ate nourishing meals without multitasking.

I did some meaningful work, but I did not let myself overdo it.

And here’s what happened.

I had time to think and reflect. I noticed subtleties that I usually miss. And I came up with new ideas that excite me.

I feel so much better now. I started healing my body, and also healing my spirit.

What about you?

If this message resonates for you, try at least one way of slowing down today. Savor the sensations you notice when you do that.

And plan to give yourself this gift again tomorrow.

I know I am carefully creating more space for myself each day, and invite you to do the same.

Leave a comment, or email me to let me know what happens for you when you bring more stillness into your life.

Stay safe and well, and keep creating.

3 questions to ask yourself everyday

Are you getting out to enjoy the wonderful fall weather? Making time to get into nature enriches the soul and the body.

I must admit that it’s been hard for me to make time to get outside and reap the array of pleasures and benefits lately.

With the Live Big Live! retreat coming up this week, family matters that need my attention, and oh so many things I am trying to fit into my day, I have been putting time for myself way down on my list of to-do’s.

Can you relate?

But here’s the thing I know. When I move my self-care up to make it a top to-do, everything else gets better.

Have you tested this out?

Last week I made a point of getting out to take a walk, even when I was super-busy. And, as I have experienced in the past, lots of great things happened as a result.

I felt refreshed — both in body and spirit.

I had time to think without distraction. Ideas started to pop up like crazy.

I waved hello to neighbors I rarely see.

I captured a few photos of beauty that I noticed as I walked past lovely gardens.

I returned to my desk with new energy and perspective, and moved more quickly through a number of tasks that had felt burdensome earlier in the day.

Why do we forget what we have already learned?

As you can imagine, what I described was not a new revelation. I learned long ago that making time for myself, in any number of ways, always pays off.

And I teach this! These lessons are threaded throughout my book!

While I could beat myself up for not staying on track and tending to time for my own well-being, I know that as a human (not a machine!) I am not in a fixed state of being. And modifying my life-long inclination to work hard is an ongoing process.

How to stay aware and get back on track

I have found that asking myself three key questions on a regular basis helps. I created a small reminder card for myself, that I have placed where I see it often.

You might want to grab this PDF and print it out for yourself. Or, write your own key questions. What will prompt you to make time for small ways to boost your well-being and make each day lighter and happier?

By keeping a reminder handy, you will be less likely to fall back into habits that do not support you to live your best life each day.

And, having asked myself these questions again just now, I am stepping away from my desk to feel the sun, breathe fresh air, and enjoy a brisk walk around the block!

Stay safe and well, and keep creating.

Who doesn’t love a quick-fix?

Last week I wrote about the power of positive thinking, and shared a number of strategies to use when negative thoughts show up. In case you missed it, you can read it here.

I have an additional idea to share with you today — it’s an especially easy, fast technique you can use any time you need to quickly get into a better frame of mind. 

Because sometimes we just need a go-to technique to use on the fly.

Three quick steps to lift your spirits

All of these are great when used alone, but when you string them together they are especially effective.

1. Pause and get quiet

Whenever you start to feel overwhelmed, or start down the path of negative thinking, a great first step is to briefly pause and take a few breaths.

If you can find a quiet spot to do this, that’s swell. But it works even in the midst of a busy or noisy place.

Simply close your eyes and take a few deep slow breaths. Tune in to the sensation of a full breath filling your body on your inhale. Make your exhale long and slow. 

Repeat a few times. That’s it!

2. Give yourself a little pep talk

Having let go of tension, this is a perfect moment to remind yourself of how amazing you are. Simply create a short statement of affirmation.

Say something like, “I am a remarkable, capable, loving person.” Of course, you can include whatever attributes you most want to affirm for yourself!

In this moment of thought you add a juicy dollop of self-love to your day! (If you want to learn about self-love and how to tame your self-critic, download my guide here.) 

This step takes your spirit a step higher.

3. Give yourself at least three “Yay Me’s”

I love having my clients share “Yay Me’s” — which are simply statements of acknowledgement for good things they have done. These opportunities for self-appreciation can be about small moments of courage or commitment, or bold steps or accomplishments, or anything in between.

While you may want to think back to acknowledge yourself for something significant you did in your past, be sure to recall at least one or two things you did in the last 24 hours.

This gives you evidence that you do great things all the time, and adds a boost to set you up for positivity for the rest of your day.

Take note of meaningful shifts

This short process can be completed in as little as one to two minutes!

You can extend it if you wish, but even when done quickly, the stress-filled or negative thoughts you felt at the start will be changed.

You are bound to experience both a physiologic change and an energetic change.

Do you feel calmer? Refreshed? Are you thinking more positive thoughts?  

Look for an opportunity to use this process for several days in a row (whether or not you are experiencing stress) and see how the cumulative effect adds up.

You can amplify this process

When you are in a positive frame of mind more of the time, you can choose to think more creatively — about everything in your life! Why not look for ways to bring your positive energy into the next conversation, or the next solution to a client’s challenges, or whatever you are focused on today?

Leave a comment or email me and let me know how this quick 3-step process works for you — as well as any of the other suggestions I shared last week. 

Stay safe and well, and keep creating.

How to be a positive thinker (really!)

Thinking — it’s something we do all day, every day. And most of us rarely pause to consider the impact of what we think about.

I invite you to take a pause with me now.

Consider that, with awareness, your thoughts can become a super-power in your life.

The power of positivity

When you consciously focus on positive things (such as things you desire, new ideas and possibilities that excite you, or anything else that lights you up) and hold your focus on what’s possible and great outcomes, wonderful things happen.

Many of us start thinking about something that excites us and quickly shift to thinking about all the reasons it will be impractical, or hard to achieve, or we conjure a host of possible obstacles.

With intention, you can choose to stay with, or return to, the energy that excited you to begin with.

Not only will your positive thoughts keep you focused on taking action toward your desired outcomes, the energy you exude will impact everyone around you in great ways.

Your positivity and enthusiasm will naturally excite others, and it will attract people to support you.

Positive thoughts lead to positive energy, and that energy can be sustained and expand, even as you navigate challenges along the way.

How to avoid the pitfalls of worry, fear and doubt

Try these strategies whenever you struggle to think positive thoughts.

1. Turn around negative emotions

When you trust yourself and follow your heart, it is easier to connect to positive energy than you may think.

That said, we all have times when we feel low — we are human!

When that happens, you may want to wallow there, or you may want to ignore the feelings.

Instead, get quiet and sit with the emotion. Feel it. And from there you can “exercise” that emotion to transform it.

How?

Create with it!

For example, you might write out your feelings of sadness in a poem, or make a picture that expresses your frustration or confusion. You can dig in a garden, or dance to loud music, or hammer away in a workshop to release anger. Approaches like these help you to get the emotion offloaded from your thoughts and help you to feel lighter. From that place you can calmly refocus on the positive.

2. Tune out negativity around you

We sometimes find ourselves in the company of people who are filled with negative energy. It’s easy to be drawn into that unhappiness, anger, anxiety, or fear.

With awareness, you can keep from falling into the trap of absorbing negative contagions.

Start by finding a quiet place to sit and breathe in silence. When you focus on the present moment and your breath, you can separate yourself from the negative energy. If you breathe this way for as little as two minutes — or longer if possible — you will feel a shift. Or, you may want to sit and listen to a guided meditation, or walk in a quiet beautiful place. Any of these will help you find peace.

After that recentering, you can make a choice. Maybe you will not return to the conversation, or choose not to be in proximity to the person or group that was filled with negativity. Maybe you will return, but will state your point of view and declare that that you will bring a positive frame to discussing the situation.

Knowing how to get back to center will enable to start thinking positively, and choose the way you want to take action.

3. Adopt an abundant mindset

Rather than waiting to respond to negativity, you can preempt much of it when you embrace an abundant mindset.

How to begin?

Try incorporating one or more of these approaches in your day-to-day life:

• Focus on appreciation and gratitude. When you tune in to all there is to appreciate in your life, every day can automatically be filled with thoughts of gratitude.

• Choose to be generous. Be generous with your time. Be generous with your thoughts — yes, you can look for the best in people, realizing most people are doing the best they can. Be generous with money. Be generous with expressions of appreciation to others.

• Welcome abundance. This means feeling deserving and being ready and open to receiving more love, more income, more happiness, more kindness.

• Be curious. Ask yourself questions like, “What if it's possible that...?” and “What can I create now?” No matter the circumstances, you can always think creatively and create your next best, most positive step forward.

• Reframe. There is nearly always a way to reframe a less-than-optimal situation. Ask yourself how you might see it with fresh eyes to find the positive — or how you might find a way to turn things around.

An abundant mindset is a huge asset we can all cultivate.

Why not shift your thoughts today?

There’s no time like the present to consider how much your thoughts are focused on the positive, and to pay attention to when your thoughts dwell on the negative. And no time like now to choose the way that most appeals to you to build or expand an abundant mindset.

With ongoing awareness and practice, you will quickly realize any time your thoughts sink into negativity, and you can refer to these suggestions to shift your focus back to the positive.

Like any change you want to bring into your life, developing a habit of being a positive thinker will take practice. You may want to pick out a small journal to keep on hand and make notes to track how things are going as you focus on this new approach to your thoughts. It will help you to more quickly make positive thinking an automatic way of living.

This superpower is free for you to cultivate. Please let me know how it works for you!

Stay safe and well, and keep creating.

Why we say “Yes” to things that are “No’s”

Last week I suggested five steps you can take to love your to-do list, and end the feeling of overwhelm that to-do lists bring on for so many of us. The response to that post was tremendous.

I want to go a bit deeper on this topic now, because there are common reasons that smart, ambitious women tend to overload their to-do lists. If you followed the process I offered last week, you may have removed items and wondered how they got on your list to begin with.

Consider why you say “Yes”

We have all done it — said, “Yes” to things we really do not want to do. Those things not only make for an overly-long and overwhelming to-do list, they usually cause us to feel resentment.

There are several reasons that we tend to say “Yes” and regret it later.

While all three of these reasons may not be relevant to you, consider them in this order:

1. We want to be nice.

Many of us were raised to be nice. Feeling obligated to be nice all the time leads lots of women (and men) to become people-pleasers.

It’s hard for people-pleasers to say, “No.” Their impulse is to avoid conflict. Over time, people-pleasers are burdened by all they agree to do. 

We often confuse being nice with being kind. One can kindly decline a request or disagree with someone. It takes awareness and some practice, but people-pleasers can learn to kindly take their power back!

2. We are unfocused.

A lack of clarity is a big reason that people say “Yes” so often that they become overwhelmed.

When we do not examine what we really want to do — with a focus on what truly matters to us the most — it is likely that we will agree to so many things that we find ourselves spread too thin and feeling splattered.

Spend some time considering where you want to aim your focus and why. With that in mind, you will say “Yes” with more discernment.

3. We fail to set boundaries that align with what’s important to us.

For some people it can feel harsh to set boundaries, but good boundaries are key to living a sustainable and happy life.

We all have a finite amount to time, energy and attention to expend each day. Thus it is crucial to consider the boundaries that will support you to make the most of every day.

Good boundaries need to be in place with both the people you are close to and those you are not so close with.

Consider the boundaries you might set with with colleagues and with clients.

And consider setting personal boundaries if you notice intrusions that hamper your attention, time and/or energy. You may want to limit your impulses to dive down rabbit holes like time spent on social media, researching topics far more extensively than is required, or long stretches of screen time.

Boundaries can be set more easily when you have clarity, and they can always be set with kindness!

Honor what you choose to make your focus

I invite you to thoughtfully explore the three topics above. What things are most important to you, and what changes will support you to keep your focus on them?

Keeping a focus on the things you most desire will give you a boost of positive energy, as well as more time in your life to realize them. Why not begin to implement these ideas, and see how they can support you to live each day with less stress and more satisfaction?

And if you want to think about getting help to address deeply ingrained practices and habits that stand in your way, so you can more easily bring significant change into your life, let’s talk. I invite you to schedule a Live Big Breakthrough Call with me.

I'll be glad to give you new insights and perspectives about your challenges and hear about the changes you want to make. We can explore if my coaching is a fit for you — and if not, that’s fine. We’ll sort out your next best step.

Stay safe and well, and keep creating.

How to love your to-do list

When you look at your to-do list do you feel overwhelmed? Most of us do!

We are busy with lots of things to do and we have many interests. We strive to achieve. We are passionate and eager to have an impact.

And day after day, all of those to-do's and desires add up and can feel heavy.

Try a new to-do approach

Here is a new way you can orient yourself to all the things on your to-do list. With your latest to-do list in hand, grab a fresh sheet of paper and follow these steps:

1. Focus on what brings you joy.

Scan the old list and put a bright-colored, big star next to the items that make you happy to think about doing. Be sure to also mark those things that will lead to outcomes that make you smile to envision — whether they are short-term or longer-term outcomes.

Start a new list, write “JOY!” at the top, and write those starred things on the list.

2. Create the next category — things you want to do.

Look through what is left on your old list and add a new colored bullet next to things you want to do. The “wants” need not be quite as exciting as your starred “joy” items, but they are a close second and belong on your new list.

Add them in the next tier of your new list, under the heading “WANT!”.

3. Take note of any “shoulds” on your old list.

If you see things that are there because you feel you “should” do them — whether that “should” was imposed by someone else or comes from your own thoughts — mark those “shoulds” with a big “X”.

Determine to drop those things!

That said, if you realize you do want to do any of them for some reason, reframe them as something you “want” to do and add them to the new list in the second tier. (Then, when you see them in the want category, you will approach them with a positive feeling.)

4. Identify things that need to be done.

We all have things on our lists that have to be done — but often we put things into this category when they really may not need to be there. Assess and mark the “need to be done” items with care, and add those to the next tier on your new list — labeled “NEEDS TO BE DONE”.

The trick here is to get these to-do’s done as quickly as possible. That will relieve the stress of seeing them linger on your list — or the stress of bearing the consequences if deadlines are missed.

The ideal way to get the “NEEDS TO BE DONE” to-do’s done quickly is to delegate them to others who can do them for you!

Make a sub-list of the items you can delegate. Be sure to put a check next to those items as you hand them off, and cross them off when you get confirmation they have been taken care of.

5. Look at what may be left on your old list

Are there any orphaned items, that did not get transfer to your new top tier JOY items, the second-tier WANT items, or the NEEDS TO BE DONE tier?

Think a bit about anything that has not been assigned. Might those to-do’s be delegated?

If you determine that they are not that meaningful or important to you, can you drop them?

Letting go of things is easier after careful consideration, and doing that can be liberating!

Assess your energy now

By working from your new list, making the things that fill you with delight — or will feel exciting to achieve — your top focus, you are bound to feel positive energy.

Being guided by the new list will help you keep from spreading yourself too thin; you’ll avoid the struggle of trying to do too many things.

Rather than feeling depleted and frustrated by not getting enough traction on things you care about the most, keeping your focus on what lights you up will feel wonderful!

That's how you can hit the sweet spot for where to put your precious time and attention.

And that feeling of rich energy will not only support you as you move through your tasks, it will help everything in your life to feel lighter and better.

On top of that, everyone around you will sense your positive energy. Taking this new approach to your to-do’s, you will not only help yourself, you will help others in subtle and meaningful ways.

More ideas are on the way

Next week I will go deeper into this subject, to give you more insights and suggestions to help you live each day in the flow of positive energy.

Learning how to leverage your energy, in many small effective ways, will fuel your life and help you live big!

If you want to talk about the ways you can live a life that is fueled by more positive energy, to get past stress, fears or doubts, I invite you to schedule aLive Big Breakthrough Call with me.

I'll be glad to give you new insights and perspectives about what hinders your energy, hear about the dreams you have for your future, and talk about what’s possible for you. We can explore if my coaching is a fit for you — and if not, there’s no problem. We’ll sort out your next best step.

Stay safe and well, and keep creating.

Even perfectionists can learn to love mistakes

Kintsugi restoration of a broken bowl

Many of us struggle with perfectionism to one degree or another.

I was burdened with a compulsive drive for perfection for much of my life. I strove to make perfect decisions (a topic I wrote about in a recent blog post).

I tried to make everything I wrote or created as perfect as could be.

I struggled to look as perfect as possible, and watched the way I spoke, for fear of being judged as not good enough.

And on it went.

Perfectionism was so much a part of my life that my children teased me about how “picky” I was. It was said with humor, but the fact that young teenagers commented on it is evidence of how much perfectionism showed up in my life.

When I look back now I recall how exhausting it was to constantly struggle for perfection.

The gift of choosing a new way to live

A huge gift for me — that is available to you, too — is one I have enjoyed on my journey of change and growth in the last decade. In short, it’s the feeling of liberation I experienced as I loosened my grip on perfectionism.

You can begin to shift away from perfectionism by practicing Self-Love. Self-Love is a fascinating a topic that I write and speak about often, and about which I created a short guide, that you can download for free.

The guide will also help you understand the role of perfectionism as one of a number of ways your Self-Critic attempts to sabotage you. You will get an array of suggestions to start freeing yourself from the restraints of your Self-Critic.

Having brought an awareness to how harmful perfectionism was for me, and practicing ways to release it, I am now able to celebrate the “good” without experiencing the anxiety of aiming for “perfect.”

I allow myself to explore and experiment with ease. And I appreciate the gifts of creating and exploring no matter what the outcomes are. I’ve embraced the realization that even “failures” offer wonderful opportunities.

Letting go of the tension associated with perfectionism has been a gift that has kept on giving!

Magic can show up when you make mistakes!

When you chose to feel free and try new things without fear of less-than-stellar outcomes, magic can happen.

Things that seemed like “mistakes” to me before have often lead to marvelous end results.

And looking back I see that I often did not have the experience of enough “mistakes.” My fear of trying new things because I was preoccupied about them falling short of my idealized standards, kept “mistakes” from happening that might have become breakthroughs.

When you start without aiming for perfection, you, too, will find your mind and your heart opening up to lots of ideas and possibilities. These ideas will feel ripe for testing and exploration, and you can choose those that you want to play with.

It’s in the process of trying new things without fear that we learn and discover.

We learn what works and what doesn’t (the “mistakes”), and in many situations we discover surprises of all sorts. You can then follow the surprises and find solutions or results that may go far beyond what would have been possible had you not felt free enough to test and play with them.

You might even fall in love with imperfection

When you allow yourself to embrace it all without feeling that everything must always be perfect, you see the world differently. You see possibilities and appreciate beauty where you once would have seen mistakes or brokenness.

You may be familiar with the marvelous Japanese art of Kintsugi, which is an ancient practice of restoring things that are broken and celebrating the fractures by highlighting them with gold.

Check out this lovely BBC video to see how Kintsugi is made, and the magnificent outcomes of this art.

Then consider the possibilities in your own life, to create magnificently — even from fragments of past imperfection.

Stay safe and well, and keep creating.

Here’s a sure fix to stop sabotaging yourself

I think a lot about the words I use, and as a coach I listen carefully to the words I hear others use. What I hear often surprises me.

The biggest surprises typically relate to the ways people speak about themselves, and how they share the ways they speak to themselves.

The words we choose really matter

First, think about how you talk about yourself.

I frequently hear people speaking about themselves in ways they would not speak to others. And they often fail to have awareness about the harshness of the words they use, whereas had they heard those same words from someone else they would bristle.

A statement like, “I was out of control yesterday, and really screwed up,” is a good example.

If it was changed to something like this: “I had a tough day yesterday. With all the stress of trying to do more than was reasonable, the draft I turned in was not my best effort. I’ll improve it tomorrow.” the speaker would feel a lot better.

With awareness, you can shift to ways of speaking so that you stop beating yourself up and cutting yourself down. Imagine how that would support you as you moved forward.

Consider the self-talk in your head, too.

When we heap negative or harsh self-talk on ourselves, it chips away at our belief in what is possible for ourselves. That doubt is a confidence-killer. As a result, so much that is possible is never even attempted.

Just as you would not tell a child they are not smart enough to learn something, or discourage them from trying to do something they really want to explore, adults often give themselves damaging messages just like that.

By paying attention to the words you use in your head, you can choose encouraging, self-loving, positive language, that will help you to feel optimistic about moving forward.

Do you lock yourself in with negative statements?

I also feel sad when I hear people use negative language that is “fixed” about themselves.

I frequently hear statements like these:

“I’m terrible at thinking on my feet in a meeting.”
“I can never get projects done on time.”
“I hate sales and will never get good at it.”

When we declare these types of things that have been a struggle for us as being true and fixed, we keep ourselves stuck in that limitation. By stating instead, “In the past I have felt stressed in selling conversations,” we keep the door open to possibility, learning and change.

Do you “should” yourself?

The word “should” is one of the worst offenders, and crops up everywhere — in the ways we talk about ourselves, to ourselves, and lock ourselves in to limitation. This judgmental word causes unhappiness and damages people in countless ways.

Rather than saying, “I should...” see what happens when you change your thinking to what you want, or what needs to be done for a reason that matters to you.

“Shoulds” are rooted in external pressures or the expectations of others. When you feel agency in your life and in the world, you can let go of the “shoulds.”

Change your self-talk and change your life

Bear in mind that the words that hold us back also impact our energy. And the energy we hold in every action we take has a tremendous impact on our outcomes.

Imagine turning around any of the negative examples I have shared above, or any that have popped into your thoughts while you’ve been reading this.

Now imagine taking action with the energy of the negative messages running in your head, and compare it to the energy you’d feel if you held the positive messages in your thoughts.

The outcomes of every effort, or conversation, or even what you can imagine to be possible will be so much more expansive and will hold so much promise when you use positive words that delivery positive energy to fuel you.

It takes some attention to focus and catch yourself when you use language that limits you, so that you can reframe the words you use.

With practice, awareness and attention, you will start to tune into the language you hear and appreciate positive expression. You will also be aware of negativity.

One example of a negative use of words that I frequently notice, is the word “anxious” when someone means “eager.” For example, they’ll say, “I am anxious to attend that concert!” when they just told you how much they love the performer and their music. Listen to the energy of the sentence when it’s changed to, “I am eager to attend that concert!”

In time it will be get easier, and even automatic for you to notice negative talk on the spot and reframe each message. And you will get used to the fun of feeling the new energy that comes along for the ride when you make those changes.

Stay safe and well, and keep creating.

Do you struggle when making decisions?

Do you dither?

It can be challenging to be decisive. Even the smartest people can find it hard to make decisions — chronically or sporadically.

I recall this challenge myself, years back, when I owned my design firm. I was asked by my team to please make faster decisions!

I was aware of taking my time to be sure I was thinking things through carefully, but had no idea that my slow decision-making was a problem for my team. I was holding them up.

They assured me that even if I made an “imperfect” decision, they would be fine moving ahead and we could course-correct if needed.

Did it sting to hear that? It did a little. Was it helpful to hear it? Yes!

Why it can be hard to make decisions

In my case, indecisiveness was rooted in perfectionism.

I had a deep-seated belief that I had to be perfect — and perfectionism is a powerful way the self-critic loves to show up to sabotage us. (You can read more about perfectionism and what to do about it here.)

I came to realized that I thought there had to be a perfect solution in response to any question or choice. Thus, deep down I felt that every decision I made had to be perfect.

Overly-deliberating about decisions was just one of many ways that perfectionism got in my way in those days! I was not conscious of it then, but it became clear that perfectionism was the underlying driver of my indecisiveness.

Fear — of failure, of conflict, of judgement, and more — is another cause of indecisiveness.

Fear is another huge way the self-critic steps in to limit us.

(You can learn about the self-critic, and the role of self-love to cope with the many ways the self-critic shows up, in the free guide I offer as a gift in my book.)

Fear of failure is incredibly common, and it’s a close cousin of perfectionism.

Many people fear making decisions because their decision may rock the boat and cause conflict. Or they fear that others will criticize their choice.

Some fear feeling remorse for a decision.

Fears like these can prompt people to push off making any decision at all.

Perhaps you are an over-thinker.

Some people believe they must think everything through from every possible vantage point. And there are times when it is wise to be very thorough in reviewing a matter.

However, over-thinking can become a habit and a crutch. It is often an indicator that procrastination is at play (and procrastination is yet another way the self-critic steps in to get in our way). 

Anxiety or depression may be making it hard for you to make decisions.

Anxiety and depression can make it very difficult for people to make decisions. The need to make decisions can make them feel overwhelmed. 

How I made faster decisions with less stress

The insight that I was holding others up by being indecisive, and hearing that they welcomed me to make faster decisions without assurance that my decisions would all be perfect (which is, of course, impossible to predict) freed me. 

I was able to trust myself to make decisions. I had “permission” to refine and make changes from that point forward.

It was a game-changer for me!

It opened the way for me to think expansively about what was possible, listen to my intuition, and make faster decisions.

I came to appreciate that I could continue to modify and create next steps as we moved forward.

Decisions that had felt so monumental began to look like steps along a path that was ongoing and full of possibility.

Adopting this approach can work similarly if fear is the factor that drives indecision, or over-thinking and procrastination are the root cause.

If you are aware that anxiety or depression are factors for you, I suggest you talk about that with a counselor, therapist or another medical professional.

What decisions are you making now?

As the world is opening up now, we have many new opportunities and many of us face making decisions of all sorts.

This can be exciting, or can bring on a sense of overwhelm. 

I urge you to try and approach making decisions with a new frame of mind, much as I learned to do. 

And if you feel called to make decisions now about the future you want to create, I’d be glad to meet with you. The next Live Big Live! starts soon, and it may be a great resource for you at this moment when so much possibility is on the horizon. 

Schedule a Live Big Breakthrough Call with me. There's no obligation or cost for us to talk.

Scheduling this call may prove to be the best decision you make today.

Stay safe and well, and keep creating.

Love is often complicated

Remembering a very happy Father’s Day in 2019, With my grandson and my parents

Lots of people find Father’s Day and Mother’s Day to be contrived, as the holidays were created for commercial opportunity. After all, they contend, every day should be a day to think about and express love to our parents.

And while I appreciate that the greeting card and gift sales, and restaurant meals consumed to note the day, can be a turn-off for some, I find it lovely to set aside two special days to really focus on one’s parents.

Much like a birthday celebration, putting someone you love in the spotlight feels wonderful. And it makes them feel wonderful. What’s the downside to making these joy-filled, love-filled days?

And it can be complicated…

Mother’s Day this year tugged at my heart. While I was delighted to be the focus of loving attention from my family — including a special brunch on a sunny patio with my children and my two precious grandchildren joyfully dashing around, this was the first Mother’s Day since I lost my mother in August.

I longed for the sweet days of years past, when I’d call her, send flowers and gifts, and tell her how much I loved her. The last time I got to do that was on Zoom last year.

As you can imagine, Father’s Day on Sunday was especially dear for me. Having just returned home from a second hospitalization in just a few weeks, my dad is slowly recuperating.

We drove to Philadelphia for the weekend and I was so grateful to be with him. The fact that Father’s Day fell on the weekend we were visiting made it even more special.

I treasure my father. I treasure having had this time with him in person, and surrounding him with love. It was a treat for both of us.

And yes, we brought him a big bouquet of flowers on Sunday morning, that I hope will brighten his days and remind him, for many days to come, of how much we all love him.

Today is also my mother’s birthday

My mother would have been 92 today. A year ago she was quite ill, and her birthday was celebrated on Zoom. She was happy that we could “be together” virtually. The flowers and gifts we’d sent were there. It was the best we could do.

Today my heart is sore. I hear her voice, but only in my memory of it. And I am doing my best to stay focused on celebrating her life.

My dad and I have a date for a Zoom dinner together, to reminisce and share stories about her magic. He loves to tell me about how he was smitten by her from the first moment he saw her, how beautiful she was, and how much he loved their 70 years together.

I am focused on savoring the joy

I realized this morning that it was Father’s Day two years ago that my parents were in Boston with us, just a month after the birth of my granddaughter — their second great-grandchild.

They were both vibrantly healthy and filled with delight to meet Aria and be with all of us.

I cherish these sweet memories, and so many more. I savor the joy of my weekend visit with my father. All of the precious times I hold in my heart serve as a counterbalance to the sadness at losing my mother, and the concerns I have as I watch my father slowly rebuild his strength and health.

We need to feel it all

It’s great to feel happy. It is hard to grieve, to long, to feel worry or pain.

Many people push away the hard emotions, which is understandable. But we need to feel it all.

Feeling the emotions connects us to our heart. And spending some time there can open us up.

One great path to moving through the hard emotions (and elevating great ones) is to use the emotion as “fuel” for something creative.

For me that is often writing or making art. For others it can be time digging in a garden, or moving to music, or playing an instrument, or making something with their hands.

Today I will cook something my mother loved to make, as cooking was one of her favorite ways to create — she was renowned for the food she lovingly prepared and served on gorgeous tables for family and friends.

And I have a date to create with a small group of artists with whom I have met regularly for over a decade. It feels perfect that our time together fell on my mother’s birthday, as my mother was a great artist in addition to a great cook.

I invite you to express yourself in a creative way any time you have emotions to transform or elevate. Maybe you’ll decide to do that today — our emotions are always there to one degree or another, always ready to be put to use in a creative way.

If you have never tried it, give it a go. It always works for me.

Stay safe and well, and keep creating.

What I am learning about resilience this time around

There are times when events show up in your life and you are tested. 

When my father suffered a health crisis two weeks ago, we mobilized and dashed to Philadelphia. After five days in the hospital he was discharged, we arranged for additional care for him at home, we returned to Boston, and everything seemed stable.

Until it wasn’t.

My father was back in the ER on Friday, admitted again, and once more we’ve need to be patient as the medical team works to fine-tune the medication plan that we hope will allow my him to return home without fear of new events. 

Naturally, this is stressful for my dad, for my sisters and me, for my husband and children and all who deeply love him.

Life inevitably calls on us to be resilient

Today I turned to the chapter in my book, Live Big: A Manifesto for a Creative Life, titled Carry On. It’s all about resilience, and I realized it was time for me to revisit the content I wrote based on my own past experiences.

The chapter addresses a range of times we need to be resilient. I focused on the exercises and practices that were matched to what I need now.

I started by completing a Discovery Dozen™ exercise to help me slow down and cultivate awareness. I modified the suggestions in the book to best help me now. I used this fill-in-the-blank sentence, completing it with 12 different answers, to start my day:

To slow down and be more present I can....

Then I focused on the best actions I could take to ensure my father’s well-being and for my self-care. I made calls to the nurses and then set aside other tasks to meditate. I know that meditating helps me to stay centered and think clearly.

Next, I was guided to bolster my belief in myself, by recalling the ways I have been able to do things well in the past when I’ve been under stress. I reminded myself that I may not do things perfectly, but when I think clearly and do my best, I have been able to do a lot — and I can do a lot today, too.

Rather than reacting, I consciously chose to create. I considered the resources available to me for help, and resources I can activate, and got things in motion.

I asked myself good questions, too. I knew these Discovery Dozen sentences would help me: 
“What would I do if I were not afraid?”
“How is this experience calling on me to grow, expand, or adapt?” 
“What am I learning now?”

My big take-aways 

When I turn to proven tools to support myself to stay calm, I am able to think clearly, and that makes everything better — especially as I continue to navigate this health challenge. 

I can keep fear at bay when I reach out for support.

I appreciate how much I have learned from dealing with other challenges in the past, that are informing me now. 

And I appreciate myself for my ability to be patient and trust, as well as my willingness to learn and grow.

How are you resilient in your life?

All of us are called on to be resilient, in small and bigger ways, as we move through our lives. This last year has certainly been filled with challenges that run the gamut.

How are you able to respond? What works best for you? 

I would love to hear from you, and would be glad for you to share your strategies. Email me or leave a comment and let me know.

Stay safe and well, and keep creating. 

And thank you for keeping my sweet father in your prayers.