Here’s a sure fix to stop sabotaging yourself

I think a lot about the words I use, and as a coach I listen carefully to the words I hear others use. What I hear often surprises me.

The biggest surprises typically relate to the ways people speak about themselves, and how they share the ways they speak to themselves.

The words we choose really matter

First, think about how you talk about yourself.

I frequently hear people speaking about themselves in ways they would not speak to others. And they often fail to have awareness about the harshness of the words they use, whereas had they heard those same words from someone else they would bristle.

A statement like, “I was out of control yesterday, and really screwed up,” is a good example.

If it was changed to something like this: “I had a tough day yesterday. With all the stress of trying to do more than was reasonable, the draft I turned in was not my best effort. I’ll improve it tomorrow.” the speaker would feel a lot better.

With awareness, you can shift to ways of speaking so that you stop beating yourself up and cutting yourself down. Imagine how that would support you as you moved forward.

Consider the self-talk in your head, too.

When we heap negative or harsh self-talk on ourselves, it chips away at our belief in what is possible for ourselves. That doubt is a confidence-killer. As a result, so much that is possible is never even attempted.

Just as you would not tell a child they are not smart enough to learn something, or discourage them from trying to do something they really want to explore, adults often give themselves damaging messages just like that.

By paying attention to the words you use in your head, you can choose encouraging, self-loving, positive language, that will help you to feel optimistic about moving forward.

Do you lock yourself in with negative statements?

I also feel sad when I hear people use negative language that is “fixed” about themselves.

I frequently hear statements like these:

“I’m terrible at thinking on my feet in a meeting.”
“I can never get projects done on time.”
“I hate sales and will never get good at it.”

When we declare these types of things that have been a struggle for us as being true and fixed, we keep ourselves stuck in that limitation. By stating instead, “In the past I have felt stressed in selling conversations,” we keep the door open to possibility, learning and change.

Do you “should” yourself?

The word “should” is one of the worst offenders, and crops up everywhere — in the ways we talk about ourselves, to ourselves, and lock ourselves in to limitation. This judgmental word causes unhappiness and damages people in countless ways.

Rather than saying, “I should...” see what happens when you change your thinking to what you want, or what needs to be done for a reason that matters to you.

“Shoulds” are rooted in external pressures or the expectations of others. When you feel agency in your life and in the world, you can let go of the “shoulds.”

Change your self-talk and change your life

Bear in mind that the words that hold us back also impact our energy. And the energy we hold in every action we take has a tremendous impact on our outcomes.

Imagine turning around any of the negative examples I have shared above, or any that have popped into your thoughts while you’ve been reading this.

Now imagine taking action with the energy of the negative messages running in your head, and compare it to the energy you’d feel if you held the positive messages in your thoughts.

The outcomes of every effort, or conversation, or even what you can imagine to be possible will be so much more expansive and will hold so much promise when you use positive words that delivery positive energy to fuel you.

It takes some attention to focus and catch yourself when you use language that limits you, so that you can reframe the words you use.

With practice, awareness and attention, you will start to tune into the language you hear and appreciate positive expression. You will also be aware of negativity.

One example of a negative use of words that I frequently notice, is the word “anxious” when someone means “eager.” For example, they’ll say, “I am anxious to attend that concert!” when they just told you how much they love the performer and their music. Listen to the energy of the sentence when it’s changed to, “I am eager to attend that concert!”

In time it will be get easier, and even automatic for you to notice negative talk on the spot and reframe each message. And you will get used to the fun of feeling the new energy that comes along for the ride when you make those changes.

Stay safe and well, and keep creating.

Can you take this word out of your vocabulary?

In many recent conversations I’ve heard people use a word that I learned, long ago, to remove from my vocabulary. We all use it (and, yes, I still slip up from time to time). And, we’d all be doing much better if we could banish it.

The word? 

SHOULD

This is a loaded word. A word your self-critic loves to use to bombard you. A word you can live without. Because when you are aware and start to shift your self-talk to eliminate the “shoulds,” your life will get so much better.

I know that sounds like a grand promise.

Can changing one word do that much?

Yes. And here’s why.

When you layer “should” upon “should” on yourself, you are constantly feeding yourself negativity and criticism. You’re heaping self-judgement on yourself. 

You are often comparing yourself to others — or some ideal — and in the process you feel awful that you haven’t measured up. 

And that takes a toll.

Some of the shoulds I have been hearing lately include:

• I should be decluttering, like everyone else.

• I should be doing yoga every day, or taking hour-long walks.

• I should be applying for the new job I was starting to look for just before all this started.

• I should be doing something creative, but when I pull out art materials I can’t get myself to start.

• Baking? Who has time for baking? But everyone else's family is doing it...

• I should be getting ready for bed earlier... And meditating... And journaling...

• I should be volunteering. There are so many people who need help.

• I should be working on new ideas for my business, and implementing new initiatives now.

• What’s wrong with me? I should be coping better than I am.

You get the point. Maybe you see your “shoulds” on this list, or are adding yours.

If you’re a “should-er,” this is a perfect time to change your self-talk.

Try using these three steps:

1. Notice

Change begins with this crucial step: aim to catch yourself when you are “should-ing” yourself. With attention and practice, the “shoulds” get easy to spot in the moment.

2. Reframe

This step takes practice. This is when you pause and reframe the “should” thought when you notice it. Here’s an example of how you might do that.

When a thought shows up like: “I should be able to get this to-do list all checked off today,” you could re-phrase it as: “I will start doing the most important item on my list and see if I can finish that in the next hour. I’ll continue from there.”

Or, you might rephrase it this way: “Since I was up during the night with my child who couldn’t sleep, it’s ok if I just start with the first important task and reassess my energy levels for continuing after an hour.”

3. Be gentle with yourself

If someone or something needs attention — it could be an elderly parent dialing you up, a child who wakes up early from a nap, an unexpected email from a colleague, or just that you realize you are not able to focus on the matter at hand — the task you planned on will take longer, or it may need to be deferred. 

That’s ok. There’s a lot happening now that is not like “life was before,” and berating yourself will only make things harder.

This is an important time to be gentle with yourself and practice self-love. (You may want to read an older post about self-love, for specific ways to do that.)

And, as you are able to make progress — even small progress counts! —acknowledge yourself. Appreciate that you embarked on or completed a task, or started developing a new idea, or helped someone, or just made it through the day with more ease.

What would make you smile and feel good about something like that? What small treat can you give yourself? Have fun thinking of ways to acknowledge every small step on this path.

I am here to support you in several ways.

As the weeks of disruption continue, you may be finding that you need new responses.

I have been adding resources and ideas to the Thriving Now page on my website that can help you as you navigate this time. The page is filled with tools and ideas have been shared in my ongoing, weekly Zoom calls.

My next Creating Our Way Forward Zoom call will be on Saturday, May 9 at 3:00pm eastern. In these intimate conversations, women from all over the country have been connecting, sharing, and learning new ways to both cope and stay inspired. You can register here for the next call.

If you want some one-on-one support, I have 2 spots on my calendar this week for free 30-minute Creating My Way coaching calls. It’s been wonderful supporting the women who have scheduled these calls already. Access my calendar to schedule your session.*

And, to get clear about what’s in the way for you and talk about what it can look like to get deeper coaching support, I invite you to schedule a Live Big Breakthrough Call with me. Here’s where to do that.

Stay safe and well, and keep creating.

Why to watch your words

The words we use have more power than most of us realize. It’s interesting that we typically pay more attention to how we communicate with others than how we speak to ourselves.

When you consider how you speak to yourself, you may be surprised at what you notice and surprised at the big impact this awareness can have.

Two kinds of self-talk to watch out for

The messages you send yourself

Self-talk is that chatter in your head, that most of don’t pay much attention to. It can often take the form of doubt, as in, “You can’t do that,” or, “Why even try?” It can sound like, “Who do you think you are?” 

And negative self-talk often includes a multitude of “shoulds.” How many time a day do you tell yourself, “I should... ”? 

A  variation of a “should” statement is one like, “Everyone expects that I will...”

These may show up so frequently that they feel “normal.” But this self-talk is insidious. 

Can you notice when thoughts like these crop up? Awareness is a key first step to shifting to new, more self-compassionate, more positive ways of thinking.

The way you send yourself signals

When you want to change a habit, or do something new and differently, you may be inadvertently making it harder on yourself because of the words you use.

Here’s an example: 

If you want to get more exercise, you might say, “I’m trying to get to the gym more often.” If you change that statement to, ”I go to the gym twice a week,” you declare something clearly, and signal yourself specifically. This small change will have a big impact.

Another way new signals can work for you is when things are a struggle. If you think, “I just can’t stop eating sugar,” try this instead: “I am cutting back day by day, but haven’t been able to cut all sugar from my diet yet.”

Adding the word “yet” gives your subconscious mind an important signal. You won’t feel defeated, and are thus likely to continue your efforts and feel more motivated. You will gently encourage yourself that this is a process and you are making progress.

Change starts with awareness

Spend the day with a bit of observation about your self-talk. You may want to keep some notes about the messages you are sending yourself, and how you are choosing your words.

Are you sending negative messages or encouraging, loving messages to yourself?

Do you see any patterns in your self-talk observations?  

Where do you have opportunities to make small adjustments that will lead to better outcomes?

All of the messages you send yourself are important. Your words have power. As you speak to yourself with more care and intention, your life will begin changing in beautiful ways. 

Leave a comment to let me know what you observe, and the impact of your awareness.

And, if having support to help you make small changes — that are key to making bigger changes in your life — feels like a smart step as you are thinking about what’s next, or if you feel stuck, or you are facing a big transition, let’s make a date to talk about how private Creative Core Coaching might be a life-changing resource for you. 

I have just opened two spots for one-on-one coaching. And with all of the activity that’s been developing around my book, Live Big: A Manifesto for a Creative Life, I don’t know when I will be taking on new private clients after this. 

If you are ready to take a serious step to start living the big life you know is possible, it can start here.

Let love be your secret power

I hope your new year is off to a great start. For many, January was a time for making resolutions. If you set goals for the year, this is a good time to check in and take stock of how things are going.

If you are committed — and are taking consistent action — to the exercise you want to do more of, or the decluttering you set out to tackle, the job search you decided to initiate, or any other objective you have to make this a great year, I say, “Bravo!”

On the other hand, if you’ve struggled to get traction, take consistent action, or have had set-backs or feel discouraged, this is a great time to get back on track. There are still 11 months of the year ahead!

Here’s how to stay the course — or get back on track — as you pursue your goals and resolutions.

Leverage love!

Love is a powerful resource that’s always available to you, and that you can turn to at any time. Curious about how love will help you meet your goals? Here's the way this works.

Love powers your life in remarkable ways when you put it into action. And to help love do its magic, I suggest you begin with a simple technique: Pay attention to the words you say to yourself.

Because the words you use have a huge impact. The actual language of your thoughts matters!

It’s time to start speaking to yourself with love.

We tend to be incredibly hard on ourselves when we feel we are falling short in some way. If someone walked up to you and said, “What a loser! I can’t believe you didn’t make it to yoga class today!“ how would you feel? That would be harsh and mean, right? 

If you’d be unhappy to hear that from someone else, why would you use a similarly negative tone when thinking to yourself? Instead, consider loving ways to speak to yourself.

Loving self-talk about something that feels discouraging might sound like this: “Okay, you missed the yoga class today. Why not register now for the next one, and clear space on the calendar to be sure to get there? It will feel wonderful to spend that hour with a great teacher and so many lovely people! And, it will make the rest of the day so much more pleasant.”

Speaking to yourself with love will come naturally when you cultivate self-love in many ways. The idea is to stop being accusatory. Stop putting yourself down. Start treating yourself tenderly, like the deserving person you are.

Try these 3 easy ways to practice self-love and bring more loving self-talk into your life.

1. Look at yourself in the mirror for a minute or two after you’ve washed your face each evening. Smile. Place a hand on your heart and say a few loving words to yourself. Yes, it will likely feel awkward, but if you do this every day for a week or two, it will get easier. Keep going! You’ll start to notice a shift in your self-talk throughout each day.

2. Closely watch the words you choose in your thoughts about yourself. Do not label yourself in ways you would find unacceptable by others. Be positive, supportive, and encouraging — just as you would with someone special in your life. Reflect on the language you use and the circumstances when you give yourself the messages that most touch your heart, and find opportunities to do more of that.

3. Treat yourself to small moments of delight — like time to sit and simply breath quietly for two minutes. Or take a break to walk in the fresh air. Or soak in a bubble bath. Or take a few extra minutes to savor the taste of your meal in quiet, rather than multitasking. As you take time for yourself, remind yourself of your talents and all the great things you do in the world. You might even want to start a self-love journal, where you can make a note each day of several ways that you are special. (Keep it handy and refer to it whenever you feel discouraged!)

While everyone celebrates Valentine’s Day as a single day for love, you can choose to fill your heart with love, and fill your thoughts with loving words about and to yourself, every day. This self-love will be an enormous help as you pursue the goals and dreams that deeply matter to you. 

And, there’s a bonus: The more fully you love yourself, the more love you will have for others in your life!