Setting healthy boundaries can be easier than you think

Last week I wrote about boundaries — what they are and why they matter so much. If you missed “Part 1” of this topic, you may want to click here and read about it.

As promised, today I’m sharing ways you can set boundaries without distress, to help you live your best life.

To begin, it can be helpful to check in and ask yourself how you relate to boundaries.

How do you feel about setting boundaries?

We all have the opportunity to draw the lines — create boundaries — that align with and protect our desires, values and preferences.

And, most people shy away from setting boundaries.

Many do not feel comfortable saying, “No.” They do not feel confident stating what is on their mind and setting standards that are aligned with what is right for them.

Here are a few reasons people shy away from setting boundaries:

Many people hate to say “No” because they want to be nice.

This fear of not being nice is people-pleasing — something remarkably common among both men and women.

People-pleasers are focused on making other people happy or trying to get others to like them. This focus typically starts when people are young, and can be deeply ingrained.

They aim to avoid conflict to such a degree that they are willing to put their own needs, values and preferences behind those of others.

Many people are afraid to lose love or approval.

We all long for love and approval. Many people are so afraid of rejection or disapproval that they do not ask for what they need, or ask for something different, or assert themselves.

When you compromise this way, you fail to make your own well-being your top priority. It is also typical to feel unworthy of love and approval. Thus you are willing to sacrifice your own contentment, satisfaction and happiness. This often results in resentment and unhappiness.

Many people simply do not know how to set boundaries — even when they yearn for them.

This is the easiest challenge to overcome.

When you know the boundary you want to establish — be it setting a firm limit about when you are available and when you are not; or stating that you will no longer take on every task someone asks you to help with; or establishing a clear policy about lending things to others; or setting an “energetic boundary” to keep painful actions and remarks from wounding your heart; or anything else — you can get crystal clear about why that boundary matters to you.

Why do you want to change the way things are now?

What will change for the better when the new boundary is in place?

Think about how you will feel, the time that will open up for you, the benefits to the relationship you have with another person, etc.

When you have the what and the why clearly in mind, implementing the boundary (the how) is going to be easier than you may think.

How to set any boundary, in 3 steps

When you are clear about a given boundary you want to set, and why it matters, follow these steps to set and hold that boundary.

1. Articulate the boundary clearly and specifically.

Start by getting crystal clear about the person or people you will set this boundary with. One person may be your focus now, but there may be others with whom that boundary also needs to be set.

Next, be very clear about what the boundary entails, and what it will look like when it is in place.

With this clarity you will be ready to communicate the specifics to the party or parties you have identified.

2. Understand that you can communicate boundaries with kindness.

Some boundaries are low-stakes, and may not feel intimidating to set. And, even the boundaries you feel most concerned about setting can be set with kindness.

Keep in mind that “kind” is different than “nice.” You do not need to fall into people-pleasing mode at all! You can kindly tell someone that you have commitments that preclude you from taking on new volunteer assignments, or that you are no longer able to answer calls on the weekend, or that you have established a new policy about loaning money.

Keep in mind, too, that your boundaries are kind to yourself, and that that is important!

3. Stay consistent.

Once you have communicated the new boundary, you may find that others do not fully respect that boundary. They may hope you will “relax the rule” or make exceptions for them. They may forget out of habit. They may try to persuade you to return to the pre-boundary way of interacting.

Keep the reason the boundary mattered to you to start with firmly in mind. Stay clear and determined about sustaining your new policy.

In time, people will either honor your boundary or not. If they choose not to honor your boundary you will have important information and can make a decision about making changes to that relationship.

Start small, but start!

Whether you are nervous about setting any new boundary, or you feel called to set a bold boundary, it will be best to start with setting a small, low-stakes boundary.

One that is likely to be easy for others to accept (and may be harder for you to stick to!), is to set limits on when you will respond to emails. You may want to add a signature to your emails stating when people will receive replies from you. (For example, you might say that you check emails twice each day, at 9:00am and 4:00pm, and that you respond to emails within 24 hours.)

After you have a couple of easy-to-communicate boundaries in place, you can aim for setting a boundary that is a bit more emotionally weighty. Being clear about the new boundary, and having a plan in place to communicate with kindness, you are likely to feel ready to declare your new boundary.

Big rewards await you

Be sure, after you have established each boundary, to take note of the impact it has for you, and celebrate yourself — you deserve to feel proud!

Each boundary you put in place creates clear space for you to bring more joy, more play, more creativity and more of what lights you up into your life.

That is what living big is all about!

Boundaries — what they are and why to love them

Many women I talk to fail to consider — or actively avoid — setting boundaries.

I know that I had not given boundaries much thought for most of my life. And when I began to think about setting boundaries, a lot of discomfort showed up.

The truth, that I have come to understand and experience, is that each boundary you set is a gift to yourself. And boundaries can always be set with kindness. 

This is a big topic — in fact, so big that I will address different types of boundaries now, as well as why they are important. Next week I will share ways to set boundaries that will help you live your best life.

Consider two types of boundaries

There are physical boundaries and abstract personal boundaries. Both of these categories are important.

Physical boundaries

Physical boundaries include things like walls and fences. We can all recall what moats with drawbridges look like, that were built in medieval times to protect castles from invaders.

When we set a physical boundary, we are making it explicit to people to respect our space and not intrude on our privacy. 

You may want to set physical boundaries related to the kinds of physical contact you welcome — and contact you do not want. Perhaps you hate being hugged. Perhaps you don’t like being in crowded places. 

You may want to create private physical spaces, indoors (such as a room of your own) or outdoors (think fences and walls), where you can have solitude or pursue personal projects or activities. You may want people to knock before entering a room you occupy.

You may want to create a private space where your personal belongings, such as journals or keepsakes, will not be seen by others.

You may set boundaries related to material things you are willing/not willing to share, such as objects or money.

Some people need to set boundaries to have private spaces that will protect their safety.

Emotional boundaries

An emotional personal boundary is a limit, or rule, that you set with others (and sometimes with yourself) to delineate things that are important to you and your wellbeing.

In short, by setting these boundaries you make clear what is acceptable to you.

Emotional boundaries can relate to your time in a variety of ways.

When are you available? This can be to take phone calls or answer emails, or available to help with doing tasks for others. 

What tasks are you willing to take on, such as saying yes to doing “favors” for people, or doing more than your “fair share” (at home and at work)?

Emotional boundaries relate to your spirit, too. In these cases, you are setting limits to protect your emotional wellbeing.

For instance, you may choose which information to share and things to keep to yourself.

Or, if you have compromised your wellbeing by tolerating a relationship that is not healthy for you, you may know that a change is needed.

Here is another example. Maybe you allow others’ behavior to distress you, rather than creating a virtual, energetic boundary to protect your wellbeing — even in the face of their insensitivity or deliberately hurtful actions.

Why not bring awareness to places and situations where new or better boundaries will be helpful, in order to bring you more happiness and/or reduce stress in your life?

The gifts that boundaries deliver

While it may feel uncomfortable to think about setting boundaries — with people you are close to, with colleagues and clients, with strangers — you will reap many benefits. 

You will feel increased self-confidence and happiness.

Your relationships will be stronger and better when you clearly communicate what you want and do not want, as well as what you need and what are unwilling to tolerate.

You will feel great when you hold your standards, without guilt or apologies.

You will protect your spirit and feel grounded and clear.

Doesn’t all of that sound great?

Next week I will share ways to set new boundaries. It is often less “hard” to do than you may think!

Why we say “Yes” to things that are “No’s”

Last week I suggested five steps you can take to love your to-do list, and end the feeling of overwhelm that to-do lists bring on for so many of us. The response to that post was tremendous.

I want to go a bit deeper on this topic now, because there are common reasons that smart, ambitious women tend to overload their to-do lists. If you followed the process I offered last week, you may have removed items and wondered how they got on your list to begin with.

Consider why you say “Yes”

We have all done it — said, “Yes” to things we really do not want to do. Those things not only make for an overly-long and overwhelming to-do list, they usually cause us to feel resentment.

There are several reasons that we tend to say “Yes” and regret it later.

While all three of these reasons may not be relevant to you, consider them in this order:

1. We want to be nice.

Many of us were raised to be nice. Feeling obligated to be nice all the time leads lots of women (and men) to become people-pleasers.

It’s hard for people-pleasers to say, “No.” Their impulse is to avoid conflict. Over time, people-pleasers are burdened by all they agree to do. 

We often confuse being nice with being kind. One can kindly decline a request or disagree with someone. It takes awareness and some practice, but people-pleasers can learn to kindly take their power back!

2. We are unfocused.

A lack of clarity is a big reason that people say “Yes” so often that they become overwhelmed.

When we do not examine what we really want to do — with a focus on what truly matters to us the most — it is likely that we will agree to so many things that we find ourselves spread too thin and feeling splattered.

Spend some time considering where you want to aim your focus and why. With that in mind, you will say “Yes” with more discernment.

3. We fail to set boundaries that align with what’s important to us.

For some people it can feel harsh to set boundaries, but good boundaries are key to living a sustainable and happy life.

We all have a finite amount to time, energy and attention to expend each day. Thus it is crucial to consider the boundaries that will support you to make the most of every day.

Good boundaries need to be in place with both the people you are close to and those you are not so close with.

Consider the boundaries you might set with with colleagues and with clients.

And consider setting personal boundaries if you notice intrusions that hamper your attention, time and/or energy. You may want to limit your impulses to dive down rabbit holes like time spent on social media, researching topics far more extensively than is required, or long stretches of screen time.

Boundaries can be set more easily when you have clarity, and they can always be set with kindness!

Honor what you choose to make your focus

I invite you to thoughtfully explore the three topics above. What things are most important to you, and what changes will support you to keep your focus on them?

Keeping a focus on the things you most desire will give you a boost of positive energy, as well as more time in your life to realize them. Why not begin to implement these ideas, and see how they can support you to live each day with less stress and more satisfaction?

And if you want to think about getting help to address deeply ingrained practices and habits that stand in your way, so you can more easily bring significant change into your life, let’s talk. I invite you to schedule a Live Big Breakthrough Call with me.

I'll be glad to give you new insights and perspectives about your challenges and hear about the changes you want to make. We can explore if my coaching is a fit for you — and if not, that’s fine. We’ll sort out your next best step.

Stay safe and well, and keep creating.

Has the time come to change a relationship (or two)?

In my recent post, I encouraged you to think about the people with whom you spend time. I asked you to think about who lifts you up, and if there are relationships you find challenging, or downright unhealthy.

I provided some guidance for how to think about people on the difficult end of that spectrum, if any come to mind.

Check it out, in case you missed it.

After providing some mindset scaffolding to help you consider what can be an uncomfortable issue, I posed two questions to ask yourself if you determine that making a change in the relationship will be in your best interest — if, like a tree or shrub, some pruning of the relationship is called for.

Here are the questions I offered for you to consider:

• Do I want to set a boundary, so that I will stay in contact with this person, but with less frequency?
• Is it time to disengage from this person completely?

Depending on which question you answered with a “Yes,” here’s how you can take action.

How to lovingly set a boundary on the number, or frequency, of interactions you have

Perhaps you are weary of daily calls, frequent texts, or a routine way of getting together with someone. (This could be anything from an obligatory weekly meal to an annual outing that you are ready to move on from.)

If you’ve concluded that staying in the relationship would be fine if the times and ways you connected were less intrusive, initiate a change. Think about how much happier you will be after setting better boundaries.

Plan to have a brief conversation

It may feel harder to speak with someone than to send a letter or an email. But this is a relationship that has a degree of importance to you (or you would opt to end it), and a conversation honors that. Further, sending a written message can be tricky, as the tone you intend to convey may be misconstrued by the reader.

Thoughtful preparation is in order. This is an opportunity to think creatively about the change you want to propose.

You might say that while you value the relationship and want to stay in touch, you are focused on important commitments in your life and you need to switch to a monthly or seasonal check-in — or some other proposed change.

Well in advance of an unappealing annual event, you can let that person know that your plans have changed this year, or that your time together will be shorter, or that you have an alternative location to suggest — or some other idea for how to stay connected.

Keep your communication simple and direct

Don’t allow yourself to be pulled into drama, if that shows up. Focus on love for yourself as well as for that person, and loving energy will come across.

When it’s time to disengage from a relationship and move on

If you realize there's a toxic dimension to being in relationship to this person and you’d be happier and healthier without them in your life, this is the time to initiate a change.

Your message can be expressed with kindness

While a conversation is often ideal, written communication can work as well, or may be better. Base your decision on the approach that will work best with that person, and try not to let fear enter into your reasoning.

Stay clear of drama. Calmly communicate that you need to take an extended break, or that it's time for you to move on from the relationship. It’s not necessary to over-explain or to be accusatory — focus on your need to make this change. As noted above, keep the communication simple and direct, and keep love in your heart as you speak or write.

Will it be easy to initiate changes like these?

Depending on the relationship you are thinking about, it may call on you to dig deep for courage — and a commitment to your own needs — to take a step like this.

And, it may be easier to make this change than you imagine.

If you are wavering, consider this important question:

Do you value yourself enough to take this step?

This question may touch a nerve. I have been there, and I’ve guided many of my clients to take courageous action like this.

It helps to think about how you will feel after you’ve moved ahead.

Envision the benefits of making this change

As I have experienced and seen many times, being on the other side of making a change that you are called to initiate is a great place to be. It opens space and possibilities and opportunities. It brings a feeling of lightness into your life.

And you will experience your ability to do something important, that will help you take more courageous action in the future.

I hope you will choose to surround yourself with people who truly support you, believe in you, and want only the best for you. Pruning unhealthy relationships has terrific rewards — and will set the stage for you to thrive!

Leave a comment below if you have thoughts to share about this subject.

And, if you want to talk about what it could look like to have support to bring important changes like these into your life, let’s schedule a call and talk about that (it’s a complimentary call). Start by answering some questions, so I’ll know more about what’s on your mind, and we’ll get the process started.

The people around you

Take a minute and think about the people with whom you spend time.

Why is this important?

The energy of the people around you has an impact — on your mood, your confidence, your outlook and your overall wellbeing.

And you get to choose with whom you engage.

Sure, there are some people in your life who may challenge you and with whom your connection is somewhat fixed. Family members, neighbors, and coworkers come to mind. Even in such relationships, making adjustments to the way you engage is possible.

I have had many clients, all accomplished women, tell me they have hung on to — and tolerated — relationships and “friendships” that drag them down. People who are needy, or judgmental, or envious (if not jealous), and who are takers more than givers. Some of those people demonstrate resentment for the positive changes they see my clients making, and are subtly critical, or try and seed doubts.

We’ve all had people like this come in and out of our lives.

If a relationship with such a person has been in place for a long time (a childhood friend, a pal from college, a colleague from the past) — or even with someone who recently came into your life — it’s easy to feel stuck with it. You may feel guilty just thinking about initiating a change.

But you owe it to yourself to change things that impede your ability to live your best life. And sometimes that means pruning relationships.

Pruning a shrub can mean cutting it back to make it healthier. And sometimes the shrub needs to be replaced, or needs to be removed for more light to fill your garden.

And so it can be with relationships.

Here’s what to do if you are thinking of someone who is not a positive force in your life.

Start with some mindset work to help you get clear

Set aside some time to get clear about the issues you have with that person. You need to be honest about problematic issues.

Self-love will help if you find yourself feeling uncomfortable embarking on this process. Check out some self-love information and advice I've shared before and see how focusing on some solid self-love can help you navigate this exploration.

Next, try this process

1. To take an honest look at the concerns you have about your interactions with this person, make a list or do some free writing to pour out your thoughts. Fill a page or two with everything on your mind.

2. If you determine that this relationship is sub-optimal, it’s time to get really clear about how making a change in the relationship will support your wellbeing.

A good way to do that is to make a new two-column list. On the left side, write the costs to you of staying in relationship with this person as you are now. On the right side, list the benefits you will experience if you initiate a change.

3. If you are clear that you would be better off without the negative impact of a trying relationship, and are willing to make a commitment to initiate a change, consider asking yourself these big questions:

Do I want to set a boundary, to stay in contact but with less frequency?
Do I want to disengage completely?

These questions may make you feel a bit shaky. Just sit with them for now. You do not need to rush into action, or fuss about what action to take.

I will guide you to moving forward on a pruning process — to set new boundaries, or to disengage — in my next post.

Until then, leave a comment me and share what insights you have about the people with whom you are choosing to surround yourself — in every part of your life.

Who are the people who truly support you, believe in you, and want only the best for you?
And who may need to be pruned to allow you to truly thrive?

Being thoughtful about what we choose

It’s been a while since I have added to my blog. Ideas have been abundant. And, time has not been an issue — there is always time, the same 24 hours in every day, guaranteed. The bottom line is that I chose to do other things, even as my heart yearned to focus its attention on my coaching practice and all the ideas that I want to share.

Why would I choose to do what is contrary to the pull in my heart? Why do so many of us do that and feel the same frustrations?

I have been working on understanding this issue for a long time. Even as I have come to understand it much more clearly, I have not found it easy to change my old patterns.

I have always been interested in and excited about many things. Unlike some people, who only want to go deep into their work or an interest that consumes their attention, I have always been fascinated by and attracted to learn about a wide array of topics. And, in our media-saturated world, it’s become easier than ever to hear about and get involved with interesting activities. It’s easy to watch a new TED talk that someone recommended. Or pick up a new book discussed on NPR. Or get involved with a political race that aligns with my values. Or support a cause championed by someone I care about. Indulging in all of these seemingly small magnets for my attention adds up to an enormous amount of time and diffused focus.

As well, there’s another challenge I have faced for ages — saying “yes” to many requests that are not aligned to the work I want and need to be doing. This is an entrenched habit. It’s been tough for me even to slow down and consider the true scope of requests before making a commitment to take them on. I love helping people who need my skills and seek my participation in projects I believe in. And, I’ve become known as someone who has almost always said “yes”. So, there are lots of requests to be fielded.

Recently, two such projects expanded beyond the scope that I had (loosely) envisioned. And, although I did not want to work on them concurrently, I did not insist on some relevant pacing that would have enabled me do them sequentially. These projects are terrific, meaningful, and have been rewarding, but they have taken a big a toll on me. Sometimes it takes such a moment to see the light.

I have now set new boundaries. I’ve made and announced new decisions. I am being absolutely clear — to myself and to others — that I am no longer accepting projects that take me away from my core work.

And, I am limiting the amount of distraction I am letting into my life on a daily basis. I am slowing down to get more done, with clarity and focus. It feels absolutely terrific.

While my two big projects are not yet wrapped up, I can see the finish line for both. I will be proud and happy when they are complete. And I feel joy to be saying goodbye to doing any more work that does not align with the purpose that matters most to me.

My shoulders feel lighter, as does my heart!

If these issues resonate for you, and you’d like to share your experiences, ways of responding, or questions, I’d be glad to hear from you.