Breathing Techniques to Help You Thrive

There are so many ways we can lead a fulfilling life.

In my Thriving Now blog series, discover valuable tips and strategies to empower you to live your best life. From fostering resilience to nurturing well-being and meaningful connections, these insights can be a trusty compass to navigate the intricacies of your daily experience with grace and ease.

You can walk this path to authentically thrive in every aspect of your life and Live Big!

Try these breathing techniques to thrive now

When you pause and breathe, you give yourself a gift.

4x4 Box Breathing

This is a wonderful way to get grounded and to quiet your nervous system. You may want to do a few rounds of these to ease into meditation, or to simply pause when you feel stressed, impatient, or flustered. Here’s how to do it:

• Inhale to the count of 4

• Hold for 4 counts

• Exhale to the count of 4

• Hold for 4 counts

• Repeat
  

Deep Breathing

Most people take short, shallow breaths into their chest. It can make you feel anxious and zap your energy. With this technique, you'll learn how to take bigger breaths, all the way into your belly.

• Get comfortable. You can lie on your back in bed or on the floor with a pillow under your head and knees. Or you can sit in a chair with your shoulders, head, and neck supported against the back of the chair.

• Breathe in through your nose. Let your belly fill with air.

• Breathe out through your nose.

• Place one hand on your belly. Place the other hand on your chest.

• As you breathe in, feel your belly rise. As you breathe out, feel your belly lower. The hand on your belly should move more than the one that's on your chest.

• Take three more full, deep breaths. Breathe fully into your belly as it rises and falls with your breath.

4-7-8 Relaxing Breathing 

Sit or lie down in a comfortable position. Your eyes can be slightly opened or fully closed. Press the tip of your tongue to the roof of your mouth and open your mouth slightly. Exhale until all the air is released from your lungs.

• Close your mouth and inhale through your nose for 4 – 8 counts (you can work up to 8 counts as your lung capacity increases).

• Hold your breath for 7 counts.

• Exhale very slowly for 8 counts.

• Repeat steps 1-3 four times.

Are you missing the joy of the season?

Are you able to give yourself a break?

Can you let go of expectations?

Think about the perceived expectations of others that occupy your thoughts, as well as the expectations you impose on yourself.

This is territory I know well, and at this time of year, when the world around us is in a whirl, thinking about all of those expectations, and which you may want to let go of, can be a great gift to give yourself.

What expectations are adding pressure now?  

Let’s look at work

Many business executives, entrepreneurs, and other professionals are focused on year-end results. For some that includes closing as much business as possible in the last weeks of the year. For some there are projects to complete before the calendar turns.

While those expectations can be internal, they often come from bosses, investors, clients or shareholders.

For those feeling expectations like these, there is some relief in knowing that we can muscle through a few weeks and start anew in the new year.

Next, let’s think about the holidays

This season impacts people in many different ways.

Some are fully into the holiday party scene. They love decorating, hosting and gifting. Shopping for or planning great outfits, salon trips for fresh haircuts and manicures, are a joy for them.

For many, this season feels heavier.

They bristle at the expectations to be merry, look perfect, set a photo-worthy table and serve or contribute amazing food. They find expectations to give a perfect gift to everyone on a long list to be stressful — emotionally, financially, and physically. There are often a host of family expectations that weigh people down.

Most of these expectations can be a combination of external and internal.

And then there are all of the “shoulds” in our heads 

Let’s start with the expectation many have that we should feel happy at this time of year. That’s a tall order, even for those who are typically upbeat.

Maybe you feel that you should show up — for everything. Parties of all kinds, school programs, work events, neighborhood gatherings, religious services, family get-togethers, local ceremonies, cookie-swaps and more.

Maybe you feel you should — or must — shower everyone with cards and gifts. And if you think that gift or card should be fancy and expensive, or should be made by hand, that adds handsomely to the pressure.

Perhaps you feel expectations for how you should show up or should perform. This can be because you are a woman, or a minority, or the traditional host, or the person who does not align squarely with the values of others in a family or group, or any number of other reasons.

And then there’s the should of perfection — doing it all and doing it all perfectly. This is an especially heavy burden that many of us carry 365 days a year.

What if it could be different?

If the thought of any, or many of these expectations gives you a sinking feeling, I invite you to think about the power you have to let go of expectations — whether they are expectations you perceive from others, or expectations you have for yourself.

Can you imagine how it would feel to be free of them?

The first step in finding that freedom is to be aware of which expectations weigh you down, and decide that you want to make a change.

When you are clear about both the expectation(s), and have considered the source, try these steps.

1. Ask yourself if you feel deserving of your true desires — the desires that are in opposition to one or more expectations. Can you feel ok about not [fill in a blank from the expectations described above, or something I did not enumerate].

This may be easier for some than others, and I do not suggest it’s as easy as simply saying “yes” if that feels untrue.

If you feel deserving, you are on your way to dropping the pressure of the expectation.

If this idea is a challenge for you, spend some time celebrating all of your special qualities. Ask people who love you what they most admire about you. See if you can feel as deserving of yourself as you’d want someone you love to feel about themselves.

2. When you feel you deserve to do things the way you wish/if you wish, this step may take some courage, but you can state your preferences.

This is your opportunity to gently bow out of attending an event, or choose to get someone a small thoughtful gift rather than break the bank, or choose not to care if your table looks “perfect” — or like someone else’s idea of “perfect.”

Start with something small to test this out, and continue to let go of expectations one by one.

3. After each effort, be sure to celebrate yourself.

Savor the space, the ease, the pleasure you get to experience.

Then focus on gratitude — for yourself, and the gift you gave yourself by letting go of an expectation you are free of.

Sending you much love for this holiday season.

How choosy are you?

Have you given thought to the people with whom you spend time? Do they add light to your life, or do they bring negativity?

While some of the people in your life do not reflect choices you’ve made, and are not changeable, many of the people in your orbit are there because you chose to include them.

Why it’s important to choose with care

When you are thoughtful about the people with whom you engage, you can surround yourself with those who bring qualities into your life that you desire and value.

People who have a positive outlook, who are kind, who inspire you, who are collaborative, who are generous, whose humor delights you, impact your life in great ways.

If you pause and realize there are people in your life that drain you, you have an opportunity to make new choices.

The cost of tolerating people who add stress

Maybe you are aware of people who drain your energy, that you have been tolerating — for any number of reasons.

The toll that takes can be obvious, or (as is often the case) can be easy to miss. 

When you tolerate being in the company of people who are a drag on your energy, small annoyances and irritations often seem normal. While it’s easy to get used to them when you frequently “swim in those waters,” the ongoing irritation diminishes your wellbeing.

And in some cases, you may be well aware of people whose behaviors and energy pull your energy down.

With awareness you can set new standards and create distance from those people. 

How to create distance when you need to

Many of us find ourselves wanting to make a change, but the thought of making the change can feel daunting.

When you have clarity about your standards and have made new decisions about people with whom you want to have less contact, or no contact, consider these two approaches:

1. Create new boundaries 

If you cannot end your relationship with someone, you can decide to set terms and conditions that will better serve you.

For instance, you can shift from daily texts to a weekly check-in.

Another approach that’s available to you is to make it clear that you’ll be happy to communicate if you both can agree to use language and tone that are respectful. (This can be an add-on to planning for less frequent contact.)

2. Phase out the relationship

When there is a person who drains you, and with whom you have no obligation to stay in contact, you can take steps to end the relationship. And you can do it with kindness.

Whether you choose to gradually phase out the connection, or end it in one step, plan for a conversation in which you communicate with clarity. Focus on the importance of this decision to you, and how you want to show up in the conversation.

There will be a temptation to apologize and be defensive. Instead, I invite you to calmly share that you now have new commitments, or some other change of circumstances, and that you will be in less frequent contact/will not continue the relationship.

Do not make accusations. And remember that you do not need to explain yourself. These are common traps to avoid. You are communicating a decision you are making for yourself.

Naturally, depending on the duration and nature of the connection with the person, you may modify these sound, proven approaches.

Bear in mind that your highest priority is to ensure your wellbeing.

New opportunities will open up

When you minimize or remove people who are a drag on your wellbeing, and surround yourself with people who lift you up, you will notice that you feel lighter and more inspired. And you are likely to feel happier.

In fact, you may feel a palpable sense of positive energy, to both share and nurture, the more that you spend time with people who light you up. 

You will be seen by them in your highest light and you will have their support. In turn, you will see all that’s possible for them and relish supporting them.

And when you and the people you choose to connect with are focused together on your journeys, you and they realize great outcomes faster.

In this way, “all boats rise” higher, and with more ease. 

The outcomes can be life-changing

I witness this powerful phenomenon frequently. 

I am surrounded by fantastic colleagues in a master-mind program that offers me these experiences. It is so exciting to receive this kind of support and to provide it.

And I witness it in the women I coach. 

The power of a wonderful group to be in the work together, inspiring one another, celebrating each other, holding each other in the highest light, and being there for others when someone hits a set-back, is incredibly special.

In fact, last week, one woman in my coaching program shared that when having to speak to the media in a moment of tremendous stress and pressure, she found herself calm and able to stay the course in a way that she had not been able to do in the past. She said how much she appreciated being in the work alongside the others, and that watching other great women navigate difficult things had helped her enormously. 

I invite you to carefully choose the people with whom to engage. You deserve to be loved and fully supported.

You can choose happiness, too

Visiting Galleries in New York made me very happy!

In the midst of an especially busy summer that started with a lot of tiring work-related travel, and with some big deadlines approaching as well as some other stress playing out, I left town to spend a special long weekend with my husband.

We went to New York to celebrate our anniversary, and we had a marvelous time away.

At any other time, a trip like this would be a breeze — full of joyous anticipation and leisurely planning. Given the array of current circumstances, this trip was more of a challenge for me.

Happily, my sweetheart did much of the planning. He surprised me with wonderful places to go, and planned for each day to unfold at a lovely pace. He even got the weather to cooperate! It could not have been more special.

And the truth is, before we left I was not feeling so excited.

As much as I wanted to go away and enjoy this time with him, I had a lot on my mind. I had not been sleeping very well, and was concerned about feeling distracted and preoccupied.

And then I made a choice.

I chose happiness

I remembered that I get to choose the way I respond — to everything in my life.

I decided that I wanted to be happy. And I chose to be.

It would have been easier to allow distracted thoughts to predominate. It would have been easy to fit in bits of work here and there. It would have been easy to check and respond to emails all day, as I am in the habit of doing.

Instead, I chose to be present.

I chose play and fun.

I chose delight and adventure.

I chose love.

I decided that all of the rest could and would wait.

Now, having returned, and having returned my focus to all the matters that preceded our get-away, I’ve made another choice.

I continue to choose happiness

I had help making this choice.

I was reminded of what I can control in my life, and what is out of my control. (Many thanks to a dear teacher and friend for sharing the wisdom with me.)

And I realized that happiness is something I can choose with ease when I bear in mind the wisdom of those two categories.

I realized, too, that I have the choice to feel stressed, or to trust myself to meet my deadlines.

I have the choice to ruminate over things that are contentious or address them calmly as I make a case for what I believe is fair and just.

I will control what is mine to control and not let the rest rob me of happiness.

I welcome you to download the graphic below, that I made to help me remain clear about what I can and cannot control.

What choices are you making now?

If you are thinking about how to make the next part of your life truly fulfilling — to overcome stress, confusion, doubt, or anything else that is challenging you now — you may want to consider having a guide and mentor to support you.

I invite you to schedule a call and we can talk about what’s in the way for you now, and what’s possible. (There's no cost or obligation for us to talk.)

Here’s how to schedule a call: LiveBigCall.com

How to make the most of the last weeks of summer

Here we are, on the other side of the mid-summer shift from July to August.

I hope you have had time to slow down and enjoy the season. I look forward to spending a few special days away at the end of this week, to celebrate my anniversary. :-)

Some of us unplug with ease and are able to be fully present when we are at the beach, visiting an exciting new place, at home on a staycation, or any other adventure. Sometimes a single day is available and that can be magical.

Others of us — and I admit to being prone to this myself — can find it challenging to really disconnect. Even if we resist the beckoning of technology, our distracted thoughts can keep us from savoring the time and space available to relax.

Two mid-summer possibilities and opportunities

1. Appreciate the rich benefits of down time.

There is no question that slowing down, taking a break from the usual routine and intensity of work, and allowing ourselves to be fully present and have fun is good for us.

We are not machines! We need physical rest, and our spirits need to be nurtured.

Research has shown that those who take vacations have lower levels of stress (helping both physical and mental wellbeing), have less risk of heart disease, have a more positive outlook, and are more motivated to achieve. Even planning a vacation has health benefits!

So make the most of whatever summer affords you in terms of time to rest and relax and enjoy.

2. Use this time to dream.

Something amazing can happen when we feel free and allow ourselves to imagine in a playful way.

When you are not hyper-focused on doing — which frequently involves responsibilities related to both personal and work matters — your brain operates differently.

Allowing time to daydream, to explore your thoughts in a journal, or listen to music without multitasking, or sit in a cafe and share personal thoughts with a close friend, you will be amazed at what might pop up.

When our logical, data-focused left brain is quieted, the imaginative right hemisphere takes the lead. We connect more deeply to our intuition. New ideas show up and new possibilities come to mind.

Try prompting yourself with questions like these, to find meaningful gems of insight:

• What makes me feel happy?

• What do I truly yearn for?

• What do I want more of in my life?

(If you know how to use my Discovery Dozen™ — found in my book — by all means use that tool to quickly bring your insights to light!)

It’s important to observe the dreams and desires that showed up for you without judgement, without guilt, and without doubts.

These are important, precious messages from your heart, even if some of them seem surprising or out of reach.

They can be your compass for the future.

Make the most of your insights

By slowing down and relaxing, and choosing to explore your dreams, you will finish the summer with two great gifts — a restored spirit and terrific clarity.

And, you will be beautifully positioned to make the most of the months ahead.

Rather than living on auto-pilot, you can start to consider how you want to create the life you envisioned.

I am not suggesting you make a to-do list of things that feels pressured.

I invite you to begin thinking of small steps you can start to take to make the desires you brought to light tangible.

Summer will soon transition to fall

The coming weeks are ripe with possibility for relaxed play and all sorts of pleasure.

And they are also ripe with possibility for making the coming season — and the next year, and beyond — the most satisfying of your life.

I invite you to consider having a guide to help you turn the dreams in your heart into a reality, one sure step at a time.

As I shared with you last week, my signature program, Live Big Live! is starting soon, and culminates in a fall retreat.

It may be a perfect fit for you to begin creating the life you deeply desire.

Traveling with a GPS that is pointed to a great destination, with loving guidance to support each step of the journey, has been life-changing for the women who have experienced the program.

Let's talk about what you yearn for.

On a call, we can both see if this program is a fit for you.

It would be my pleasure to talk with you no matter the outcome. (There's no cost or obligation for us to have a call.)

Here’s how to schedule our call:

LiveBigCall.com

Have you tapped the treasures in your heart?

Now that the weather is mild and most of us are emerging from isolation, we are also becoming more aware of the impacts the last two years have had. All of us have experienced them to one degree or another, and in many different ways.

And, after the week of devastating news about another horrific, senseless shooting, coupled with concerns about wars, disease, and more that are ongoing, it is easy to feel stressed, despondent and even anxious.

Life can hold joys and wonders for us, even as we feel pain, sadness, and experience stress. The balance is always shifting, ebbing and flowing.

The best resource is your heart

When you connect to your heart and explore what is there, you will find treasures.

Sit in stillness and assess two things:
what you are feeling, and what you desire.

If your heart aches, it may sound counterintuitive to characterize that as a treasure. But whenever we connect to our emotions and our desires — both of which we find when we make a heart connection — we are enriched.

Being aware of and honoring our emotions enables us to be fully aware, rather than hiding from or ignoring our feelings.

Knowing what we truly want gives us a valuable compass.

Connect to the feelings you find

When assessing what you feel, you may find one clear emotion rings out, or a cocktail of several kinds of feelings in a jumble. In either case, honor what you feel.

Sadness, anger, pain or stress need to be acknowledged so you can find support and apply techniques to soften them, rather than experiencing prolonged discomfort.

Joy, love, excitement and pleasure can be celebrated, and thus can expand rather than being taken for granted or pushed aside in the midst if a busy life.

Focus on your desires

It is notable to me how many people with whom I work are not able to easily identify what they want.

They may struggle to know what they want in the moment, and feel flummoxed by the question if they are asked about what they want in terms of the direction for their life or future.

The answers lie in your heart, and can be found when you jog them loose.

One way to get clear is to do a powerful exercise with a partner that I teach in my book Live Big: A Manifesto for a Creative Life. If you have the book, you will find it on page 79.

And there is a short list of questions you can ask yourself each morning for a few days, on page 125. Use a journal to note what shows up.

Here are the questions:

• What do I want?

• What will bring me happiness, or enhance the happiness I feel in this moment?

• What does my heart yearn for now?

• What is my gut trying to tell me?

• How can I make today amazing?

These questions will open up your truths. You may even be surprised at what shows up when you answer without editing or judging the realizations.

What to do next

How to process deep difficult emotions will vary.

Often your awareness, plus journalling about the feelings, creating in any way you wish with the emotion you feel as your energetic “fuel”, or reaching out for support (from a friend or counselor) will be what you need to lighten or transform those emotions. If you continue to struggle, a consultation with your primary care physician can be a good first step to find a therapist or other help.

And when you become clear about the desires you have you can take steps toward what you want.

In the near-term, honor your desires. If you crave fresh air, make time to get outdoors. If you miss time with a particular person or group of friends, make a plan to get together. If a particular food appeals to you, enjoy it. Get accustomed to knowing what you want and feeling deserving of the things you desire.

And when you are clear about important things for you that are longer-term — perhaps related to a change in the work you do, the place you live, or a relationship, start laying the groundwork to create that reality in your life.

We have the power to be creators of the lives we want

When you are clear about what that is, and able to process and shift difficult emotions that limit you, you can take one small step followed by the next small step in the direction of your vision. Those baby steps add up and you will see that the momentum builds!

Here is a question for you:

How will you begin today?

Until next week, stay safe and well, and create your life with joy.

What to do when life feels out of control

Most accomplished women find that they have over-committed themselves at one time or another.

It can happen because of big demands at work, big family demands, or voluntarily taking on something big and important in addition to ongoing work and personal responsibilities.

And sometimes life happens, and things pile up despite our best efforts to keep things sane.

At other times we feel called to take on that big extra something knowing it will be demanding, because it is so important to us.

One of my clients shared that she found herself in a situation like that this week, and I recalled having been there myself.

The “extra” commitment she knowingly took on was urgent and it meant a lot to her. And then it ballooned into something even bigger, demanding even more time and energy.

The stress and exhaustion she described took me back to times I thought I would burst at the seams trying to manage way too much. I wish I had known then what I know today.

What happens when you are in over your head

In addition to witnessing stress and exhaustion, I saw that my client, a brilliant woman, felt trapped. She felt trapped by the pressure and was not able to see a way out.

A toxic combination like that can be overwhelming, and in that state it is hard to think clearly. It is also hard to make decisions that are in your best interest.

This is a form of burnout.

We think of burnout as a long-term issue that takes a big toll. But short-term periods of high stress are not to be ignored. They, too, take a significant toll.

3 steps to take when you feel overwhelmed

The first thing to go out the window when in the midst of very high stress is your ability to find your center and take care of yourself. Knowing how to find release from crushing stress is crucial.

Try these 3 ways to ground yourself:

1. Your breath is your ally

Of course we all breathe all the time. But the way you breathe can have a remarkable impact.

When stressed, you are likely to take shallow breaths as you plow through tasks.

This is the time to pause, shut the office door or find a spot to get quiet, and slowly breathe with intention. You might put your hands on your heart as you breathe deeply, filling your belly. Then exhale even more slowly. Pause and repeat.

After breathing quietly and slowly for a couple of minutes you will find yourself feeling more grounded, centered and present.

As your system quiets, you can also connect to your body, feel fully into your heart, and calmly tune into your thoughts.

2. Turn your attention to self-care

With newfound calm, you will likely be able to appreciate that some things must wait, as you consider what you need most to take care of yourself.

Maybe you need healthy food to fuel your body. Maybe you need to get out for some fresh air and movement, or get to bed and catch up on your sleep.

Ask yourself what your body needs and what will fuel your spirit.

If you run yourself ragged, you will do no good for anyone else, and the projects you are trying to work on will suffer.

Ultimately the outcomes will be better if you are fresher when you return to the demands that you had been exhausting yourself to focus on.

3. Leverage the efforts of others

Ask others for help and support! Seek out friendship, moral support and practical help.

Look to delegate as much as you can — even if you believe you would “do it better” than others might.

And here are some related ideas to consider.

Think about whether parts of the effort can be postponed. Are the deadlines really set in stone?

Maybe you can drop some of what you have been focused on. Does all of it have to be done?

Think about as many ways to lighten your load as you can.

Ward off potential overwhelm early

The best part of having moved through a tough period such as this, and having experienced positive results using some or all of the techniques noted above, is that you will be better able to recognize the warning signs of impending overwhelm in the future.

I am happy to say that my client took time to give herself the space and care she needed to look at the situation with fresh eyes. She has updated her plan for moving ahead. While she knows challenges still lie ahead, she has a sharper perspective and is feeling better.

And she will be less likely to find herself caught off-guard in the future.

Ideally, you, too, can be alert and make choices and decisions that will prevent you from finding yourself in the midst of major overwhelm.

Of course, there may well be times that something huge appears in your life, that must be dealt with. 

Knowing that you have actions to take to keep you from experiencing full-blown overwhelm, or to help you get back to equilibrium, will help.

You will know to take the first step: to slow down your breathing. From that quiet place you will be able to make your best decisions.

Stay safe and well, and create your life with joy.

If you crave certainty, this is for you

If you celebrated a holiday this past weekend, I hope it was lovely.

We look forward to many events, and hope for gatherings to be happy, friction-free and fun.

Like many moments in life, we crave certainty and we aim to control outcomes — in spite of the fact that such control is unrealistic.

How to let go of control and stress

Of course, we must first acknowledge that there are things beyond our control.

It’s those things that we think we can control that I’m addressing here.

Whether you are hosting a holiday meal or planning a business program, pitching a proposal or heading out for vacation, the impulse to control everything to assure perfection is tempting (and for some, an automatic way to operate).

For most people, that brings on stress — which is not only counter-productive, it hinders that outcome they desire.

Here are three great approaches to try instead:

1. Be clear about the control you have

The only thing we can be certain about is a belief in ourselves. (This may take some cultivating, and I promise it will be a worthwhile endeavor.)

Consider bringing focus to these areas:

• your resourcefulness

• your resilience

• your efforts to do your best

• your trust in yourself

When you focus there, strengthen each of them, and believe in these qualities, you are in the best position to move ahead effectively and with confidence.

2. Let go of the need for perfection

I realize this one is hard for many of us. (I consider myself a “recovering perfectionist,” and this is life-long work for me!)

There are two ways to think about perfection.

• One is to acknowledge that there is no such thing as perfection. This allows us to take things far less seriously, and removes judgement. We can appreciate good and great, not needing “perfect.”

• The other option is to accept that whatever happens is perfect! We can be proud and happy for good outcomes, and can learn from less-than-ideal outcomes. These less-than-stellar results are gifts that can inform our future efforts, and are often the best thing possible in the long-run.

I try to embrace both of these concepts.

3. Give yourself grace

When you embrace points one and two, you can move ahead with a foundation of self-love and self-compassion. You can bring more of your gifts to every project and plan on which you embark.

You can not only trust yourself, you can extend the trust to those with whom you choose to collaborate. And you can trust the universe to support your efforts.

You can appreciate that everything is an opportunity for learning and expansion.

This self-leadership is the foundation for leadership of all sorts in your life. Leading at work, leading the way for healthy relationships, inspiring others as you lead with creativity and vision, committing to ongoing self-awareness, and, ultimately, making the biggest impact.

Are you ready to boldly lead your life?

Every day affords each of us the opportunity for growth and for expansion — for becoming the confident, clear, focused person we aspire to be.

Perhaps you are a woman who yearns to be a stronger leader in your life, and is ready to bring all of your greatness forward to create your most inspired future.

If that resonates with you, let’s talk.

Email me and we’ll make a date to explore the dreams you have and what’s in the way. I would be happy to provide insights, and may have resources to offer you.

Stay safe and well, and create your life with joy.

What I stopped tolerating — that may inspire you.

For years I have struggled to stay organized. Maybe you can relate. I typically have lots of projects underway, and I take lots of notes. The result? A lot of paper — paper that I get too busy to keep organized.

Add to that, I am a visual person, so seeing folders (or piles of papers) for various projects feels comforting to me.

The result? A chaotic desk that leads to stress.

When the stress builds up I bring in help — I work with a great professional organizer. She has helped me enormously over the years. Yet in spite of the updated systems and many great suggestions she has made, I continued to slip back into cycles of desk chaos.

And I continued to tolerate waves of that stress.

But I am no longer willing to do so.

What do we tolerate and why?

Many of us tolerate a lot. We tolerate clutter — both physical clutter and emotional clutter — that can range from mild to intense.

Mild annoyances can look like tolerating someone leaving dirty dishes for others to wash, or occasional rudeness you choose to shrug off. Seriously problematic things might include tolerating unhealthy environments or abusive behavior.

And while my cluttered desk pales in comparison to someone tolerating emotional abuse, it’s interesting to consider why we tolerate whatever it is that causes us stress.

We tolerate things for several reasons.

• We are not clear about our standards, or the standards of the group we are part of.

• We want to avoid awkward or difficult conversations.

• We want to be comfortable more than we are willing to make a change.

• We do not feel strong enough to stand up for ourselves.

• We feel hopeless or afraid.

• We do not feel deserving.

Each of these could be fully covered in a separate article, and each can entail a lot of personal exploration. (For today, we’ll focus on one illustration that can apply to a range of issues.)

Some challenges on this list may be easier for some people to overcome than others, and some take time and support to address.

It may be helpful to pinpoint what is in the way for you, for a given matter (or matters) that you are tolerating.

Until we decide we will not tolerate it, nothing changes

No matter the issue, and no matter the reason, change will only happen when we decide we are ready for things to change. We are ready to take action.

What does it take to make a change?

• Setting new standards.

• Deciding that you are worthy (of respect, of not being taken advantage of by others, of an environment that supports your wellbeing — to name but a few).

• Being willing to take a stand for what matters to you and courageously making changes.

In the case of my messy desk, being willing to make a change had been my problem. For a very long time it was more “comfortable” to continue tolerating clutter and stress.

When I set a new standard for myself, decided I deserved to feel happier and less stressed, and was willing to do what I needed to do to improve the situation, things did change.

When we are unwilling to tolerate something we find solutions

If you want to start addressing something relatively small, consider the case of my disorganized desk.

After getting help to deal with everything that was stacked on my desk — creating new folders, updating my filing approach and filling a recycle bin with papers I did not even need — I had a “clean start.”

I took the plunge and invested in an electronic tablet on which to take all of my notes by hand. I set up a system of folders on the tablet that is clear and easy for me to use. Right from the start I hardly wrote on paper at all. And for the last two weeks my desk has remained clear!

After the first week I realized that another layer of process was needed: to extract action-items, and suggested resources to follow-up on, from meeting notes. (There are no longer page flags on paper to signal things for follow-up, which were not very effective anyway.)

I am in the process of refining my new systems now, but I love the changes I am making. And I am asking for help to take the pressure off of feeling like I need to figure it all out, perfectly, myself.

My daily work experience makes me so much happier now, and that translates to getting more done with ease.

What one small thing are you ready to stop tolerating now?

I always recommend that people start by making a small change before tackling big ones.

Is there something that’s come to mind that you want to stop tolerating?

Consider the reason (or reasons) you have continued to tolerate the matter.

Next, look back at the things noted above that will support you to make a change, and consider what steps you can take.

Why not start today — even if that means simply brainstorming options, or deciding who can help you, or reminding yourself that you deserve this and can do it, or researching helpful resources?

Starting is key. Then take another small step.

Once you are in action, you will gain momentum. And when you have decluttered the physical or emotional matter (in a single day or over a longer span of time), you will have done something great for yourself.

The next time you are ready to make a change, you will have a foundation of success to build on. And you will feel able to tackle something bigger, if and when necessary.

I would be happy to hear about the changes you bring into your life when you decide there are things you are no longer willing to tolerate. Leave a comment or email me.

Stay safe and well, and create your life with joy.

What choices will you make today?

Considering how much accomplished people like us do each day, and considering the demands on our time and attention — from work matters, to family responsibilities, to concerns about world events — it’s no wonder that many of us feel stressed.

It’s easy to feel pulled in many directions as we move through each day. It can feel like trying to juggle too many balls at once.

This state of being can be exhausting. And sometimes it feels like there's no way to avoid the pressure.

Yet, there is an alternative to living with stress.

You always get to choose

While many pressures may feel beyond your control, the truth is that we always have choices, and we get to choose.

Here are three ways you can do that.

1. You can choose your frame of mind

This is a big opportunity, and one that many people never consider.

It may feel like an automatic response to be overwhelmed when there’s a lot going on, or demands are being made of us. We tend to approach everything with overwhelmed energy.

In fact, you can choose the way you respond.

You can choose to slow down.

You can choose to breathe with intention.

You can choose to be thoughtful, and to move forward calmly.

You can choose to be optimistic. You can choose to be supportive. You can choose to bring humor to the moment.

The energy you bring into any conversation or effort impacts the outcome you will experience.

What frame of mind and energy do you want to choose right now?

2. You can choose to be curious

Rather than jumping to judgement — of yourself or others — when things do not go as you wish, you can choose to be open, observant and curious.

Making the choice to observe and be curious entails slowing down. A benefit of slowing down is that you can think a bit and create your next step forward or your response, rather that reacting in the heat of the moment.

Curiosity can inspire you to ask great questions.

You might ask,

Why are things happening as they are?

What if I/we try a new approached to see what happens?

What might be possible that I never considered?

Questions like these put you on a path of discovery.

What can you consider with curiosity today?

3. You can choose relationships that make you happy

While there may be difficult people in your life with whom you must be connected, there are many people you can intentionally choose to include, or not include.

You get to choose to spend time with people who show up with positive energy.

And you get to minimize or end connections to people who are negative, harsh, critical, angry, or unkind. (I know this may sound hard to do, particularly if you are a people-pleaser, but it can be done.)

“Toxic” relationships take a toll on us.

Why not choose to surround yourself with people who show up with joy, love, fun and optimism? (And why not choose to minimize time with those who drain your energy, even as you must stay connected?)

This is a great time to make a list of people with whom you want to spend more time, and those you want to see less of — or stop seeing.

When you choose with intention, you create the life you want

I hope you feel inspired to bring awareness to how you use your energy each day.

Will you choose to be positive?

Consider your outlook and choose a bright one. Consider opportunities to be curious and explore. And consider being with people who will buoy your spirits. 

When all of us tap into positive energy this way we bring our best selves to everything we do. We have the biggest impact because we live more of our greatness. 

Your life will be enriched, and the world will benefit.

Stay safe and well, and create your life with joy.