Let’s talk about control and trust

Most of us long for more control in our lives. We aim to control outcomes, we crave control over others, we want to control external conditions that impact us.

Control is an interesting and tricky topic

Let’s get clear about what we can and cannot control, and where opportunities lie that you may not have considered.

We try and control so much that is not ours to control.

Check out last week’s post, that includes a graphic you can download to remind you of the fundamental things that are in your control, and the things that are outside of your control. (You may want to make a small print-out of the graphic to keep on your desk as a handy reminder!)

We fail to see the gifts we can give ourselves by loosening our tight grip on things we aim to control.

We often hold a tight grip when we’d benefit from allowing others to contribute.

There are a number of reasons we do this.

• We think we need to do the thing ourselves.

• We think we will do it better than others.

• We do not trust others (to do it as well as we would, to do it on time, to do it the way we would like it done, etc.).

We can relieve tension by trusting others to do things their way, knowing that we can assist if need be, or offer help if they flounder.

And by letting others do those things, they are likely to build capabilities that will enable them to independently do more in the future.

And the added benefit of loosening the grip this way is having more time and space for yourself. Consider what might be possible for you if you invite others to take on more.

What if you trusted?

What if you trusted yourself more?

Can you envision really trusting yourself? Taking control of your wellbeing? Having the time you crave because you are able to bring healthy control to what you say yes to, and what you decline? And imagine the outcomes of setting healthy boundaries to enhance your life!

What if you trusted that things will unfold over time?

Rather than trying to force outcomes, can you envision yourself creating ideas and making decisions each day, to influence the outcomes?

What if you held “double trust” — that this is an abundant universe and that you can bring your positive energy and incredible creativity to each day?

What if you trusted the love and support of others?

For all the control so many accomplished women aim to bring to our lives, it is when we trust and welcome others to support us that we give ourselves an enormous gift.

When you allow yourself to receive that support, the pace at which you experience life-changing shifts can be remarkable.

Having a mentor and having the support of other great women alongside you, all on their paths to leading the truly fulfilling lives they yearn for, has been remarkable in my personal experience, and powerful for my clients.

Here is what one client said after the participating in a recent Live Big Live! retreat:

“I have real self-belief now. I trust myself. I can take the wheel, knowing I’ve got this! I have huge new insights about my work from this experience and I’m excited about this stage of my life! I am choosing to live in a positive way.”

You get to shape your life

Can you control everything you wish you could?

No.

Is there magic to make the outcomes you dream of an instant reality?

No.

And…

You do get to take deliberate, meaningful steps to shape your life as you want it to be — in spite of stress, indecision, doubt, or anything else that is challenging you now.

Let’s talk about what you yearn for, what’s in the way for you now, and what’s possible.

I welcome you to schedule a call here: LiveBigCall.com

There's no cost or obligation for us to talk. :-)

You can choose happiness, too

Visiting Galleries in New York made me very happy!

In the midst of an especially busy summer that started with a lot of tiring work-related travel, and with some big deadlines approaching as well as some other stress playing out, I left town to spend a special long weekend with my husband.

We went to New York to celebrate our anniversary, and we had a marvelous time away.

At any other time, a trip like this would be a breeze — full of joyous anticipation and leisurely planning. Given the array of current circumstances, this trip was more of a challenge for me.

Happily, my sweetheart did much of the planning. He surprised me with wonderful places to go, and planned for each day to unfold at a lovely pace. He even got the weather to cooperate! It could not have been more special.

And the truth is, before we left I was not feeling so excited.

As much as I wanted to go away and enjoy this time with him, I had a lot on my mind. I had not been sleeping very well, and was concerned about feeling distracted and preoccupied.

And then I made a choice.

I chose happiness

I remembered that I get to choose the way I respond — to everything in my life.

I decided that I wanted to be happy. And I chose to be.

It would have been easier to allow distracted thoughts to predominate. It would have been easy to fit in bits of work here and there. It would have been easy to check and respond to emails all day, as I am in the habit of doing.

Instead, I chose to be present.

I chose play and fun.

I chose delight and adventure.

I chose love.

I decided that all of the rest could and would wait.

Now, having returned, and having returned my focus to all the matters that preceded our get-away, I’ve made another choice.

I continue to choose happiness

I had help making this choice.

I was reminded of what I can control in my life, and what is out of my control. (Many thanks to a dear teacher and friend for sharing the wisdom with me.)

And I realized that happiness is something I can choose with ease when I bear in mind the wisdom of those two categories.

I realized, too, that I have the choice to feel stressed, or to trust myself to meet my deadlines.

I have the choice to ruminate over things that are contentious or address them calmly as I make a case for what I believe is fair and just.

I will control what is mine to control and not let the rest rob me of happiness.

I welcome you to download the graphic below, that I made to help me remain clear about what I can and cannot control.

What choices are you making now?

If you are thinking about how to make the next part of your life truly fulfilling — to overcome stress, confusion, doubt, or anything else that is challenging you now — you may want to consider having a guide and mentor to support you.

I invite you to schedule a call and we can talk about what’s in the way for you now, and what’s possible. (There's no cost or obligation for us to talk.)

Here’s how to schedule a call: LiveBigCall.com

How to make the most of the last weeks of summer

Here we are, on the other side of the mid-summer shift from July to August.

I hope you have had time to slow down and enjoy the season. I look forward to spending a few special days away at the end of this week, to celebrate my anniversary. :-)

Some of us unplug with ease and are able to be fully present when we are at the beach, visiting an exciting new place, at home on a staycation, or any other adventure. Sometimes a single day is available and that can be magical.

Others of us — and I admit to being prone to this myself — can find it challenging to really disconnect. Even if we resist the beckoning of technology, our distracted thoughts can keep us from savoring the time and space available to relax.

Two mid-summer possibilities and opportunities

1. Appreciate the rich benefits of down time.

There is no question that slowing down, taking a break from the usual routine and intensity of work, and allowing ourselves to be fully present and have fun is good for us.

We are not machines! We need physical rest, and our spirits need to be nurtured.

Research has shown that those who take vacations have lower levels of stress (helping both physical and mental wellbeing), have less risk of heart disease, have a more positive outlook, and are more motivated to achieve. Even planning a vacation has health benefits!

So make the most of whatever summer affords you in terms of time to rest and relax and enjoy.

2. Use this time to dream.

Something amazing can happen when we feel free and allow ourselves to imagine in a playful way.

When you are not hyper-focused on doing — which frequently involves responsibilities related to both personal and work matters — your brain operates differently.

Allowing time to daydream, to explore your thoughts in a journal, or listen to music without multitasking, or sit in a cafe and share personal thoughts with a close friend, you will be amazed at what might pop up.

When our logical, data-focused left brain is quieted, the imaginative right hemisphere takes the lead. We connect more deeply to our intuition. New ideas show up and new possibilities come to mind.

Try prompting yourself with questions like these, to find meaningful gems of insight:

• What makes me feel happy?

• What do I truly yearn for?

• What do I want more of in my life?

(If you know how to use my Discovery Dozen™ — found in my book — by all means use that tool to quickly bring your insights to light!)

It’s important to observe the dreams and desires that showed up for you without judgement, without guilt, and without doubts.

These are important, precious messages from your heart, even if some of them seem surprising or out of reach.

They can be your compass for the future.

Make the most of your insights

By slowing down and relaxing, and choosing to explore your dreams, you will finish the summer with two great gifts — a restored spirit and terrific clarity.

And, you will be beautifully positioned to make the most of the months ahead.

Rather than living on auto-pilot, you can start to consider how you want to create the life you envisioned.

I am not suggesting you make a to-do list of things that feels pressured.

I invite you to begin thinking of small steps you can start to take to make the desires you brought to light tangible.

Summer will soon transition to fall

The coming weeks are ripe with possibility for relaxed play and all sorts of pleasure.

And they are also ripe with possibility for making the coming season — and the next year, and beyond — the most satisfying of your life.

I invite you to consider having a guide to help you turn the dreams in your heart into a reality, one sure step at a time.

As I shared with you last week, my signature program, Live Big Live! is starting soon, and culminates in a fall retreat.

It may be a perfect fit for you to begin creating the life you deeply desire.

Traveling with a GPS that is pointed to a great destination, with loving guidance to support each step of the journey, has been life-changing for the women who have experienced the program.

Let's talk about what you yearn for.

On a call, we can both see if this program is a fit for you.

It would be my pleasure to talk with you no matter the outcome. (There's no cost or obligation for us to have a call.)

Here’s how to schedule our call:

LiveBigCall.com

Are you ready to stop struggling?

You have likely heard the Buddhist quote, “Suffering is optional.”

I noticed it coming up in different contexts lately. And when things show up with frequency like that, it is a sign for me to pay attention.

Most of us hold on to hurt, resentment and anger

I don’t know about you, but in the past it was a challenge for me to “let go” when things happened that felt unfair or unjust.

It was easy to stew in the emotion, to turn it over and over in my mind, and to talk about it at length with others — which often fomented more upsetting emotion about the issue.

This went far beyond processing and evaluating.

More often than not, upsetting thoughts about the matter at hand grew and festered, often leading to distraction, stress and poor sleep.

After decades of suffering in this way when such issues arose, I found it was possible to approach things differently.

“Don’t let it land”

This sage advice was offered to me by my husband years ago, when someone said something to me that felt deeply hurtful.

I have no recollection of the offending remark, but I never forgot the concept he suggested I adopt.

However, I was a slow learner.

I found it difficult to let the hurt roll off, to not “land” and get lodged in my thoughts.

Fortunately, with much practice, my ability to keep things from landing has improved. I am grateful to have been gifted this sage concept.

And not long ago I was offered yet another juicy bit of wisdom that I am glad to share with you.

You can drop the rope

When we are in a struggle — with someone else, and even within ourselves — there’s a lot of tension.

That tension usually involves tugging. Think of the tug of war games we all played at camp, or outings in the park. Can you recall how much effort you expended?

What if, instead of the pulling and tugging and huffing and puffing, you chose to drop the rope and stop?

While the back and forth struggles we tend to engage in as we try to defend a position, make a case, convince someone, and even beg for reasonableness can sometimes lead to something more positive, there are many times when that is not the result.

We sink deeper into pain, frustration, and even alienation from the other party.

And who do we hurt the most?

Ourselves.

That is when we can choose something else — to simply drop the rope.

By letting it go, we spare ourselves. And the other party often looses interest, if (as can be the case) they no longer get the satisfaction of provoking you.

When I have made the choice to drop the rope, I have felt remarkably liberated.

We get to choose

We often have to endure things that are not as we wish, or deal with pain. How much we suffer, however, is within our control.

Why not choose your own peace of mind and wellbeing?

Why not choose to stop tolerating things that you are able to be free of?

When we make intentional choices like these, we have agency in our lives. We create a new and better way to move through our lives.

See what I did there? I shared a small but meaningful way you can create the bigger, happier life you desire.

A glorious gift you can always give yourself

Summer is the season when many of us head to the beach or other vacation getaways. Think having time to kick back, relax, read, and play.

After many weeks of being on the go, I am grateful to have had a short but marvelous summer getaway this past weekend. We went to celebrate a family birthday, and had no idea of how wonderful an experience we were in for. Even enduring a long travel delay to get home, it was marvelously restorative.

And one reason for the peak experience came as a surprise.

The gift I did not expect

It was certainly wonderful to be with family we rarely see, as everyone is geographically dispersed. Multiple generations (ages ranged from late 80s to a precious 3-month old) connected with joy.

And the setting was remarkable.

Being on the Maryland shore was incredibly beautiful, and the vistas of water and sky were amazing. Even with high temperatures and humidity, there were breezes that invited us onto verandas for conversation and snoozes.

I did not think it could get better than that. Until it did.

As dusk turned to dark, nature created a quiet symphony. The sounds of water gently lapping against the rocks mixed with sounds of air moving through the tress. Frogs chimed in with wonderful croaking. Fireflies created moments of sparkle that made the experience even more magical.

Nature’s gifts are always available

No matter where we live, we can choose to take time and look for wonder.

We can seek out beautiful quiet places and savor the subtle but glorious gifts that nature offers us.

Take it in with your eyes, your ears, and your heart.

I intend to give myself this gift often.

I invite you to join me.

How to harness your power now

Today I am thinking about power, and about feeling powerless.

We have enormous personal power — even if it is not unlimited.

I strive to connect to my personal power each day, and I support my clients to embrace and step into their power.

That may be the the most fundamental way we live big.

What does personal power look like?

We claim our power when we show up fully and authentically. We are able to be vulnerable. We show the world who we are, without fear of judgment.

We claim our power when we identify, and then commit to living our values.

We connect to our truth by slowing down and going deep into our hearts. We then speak our truth without second-guessing ourselves.

We live with love as the driver, letting love inform all of our decisions, actions, and interactions.

We take bold action — even when we do so quietly.

We create the best next step to take all day, every day — even when our options are limited or look bleak.

In all of these ways, we exercise personal power.

Our personal power can be put to the test

The Supreme Court decision last week has taken away the right to abortion for millions of people in our country. We knew it was coming. And yet when the news of the ruling arrived, and as we have started to closely look at the way it was written, many of us feel shock and fear.

This is unjust, and contrary to the way the majority of Americans feel about this crucial right.

Add to that the prospect of losing other rights that we have had for years and decades, stripping us of liberty and choice. This compounds the emotions of anger, dread, fear and powerlessness that many of us are processing.

We are being robbed of personal power to make life-changing decisions about our bodies and our futures.

Many are struggling to know what to do.

What can we do when we feel powerless?

Start with creating a foundation that will support you.

1. Feel the emotions

Strong emotions can feel frightening. Whether the fear or anger are so intense you are concerned they may explode, or you are inclined to push the emotions away because they are so big, I invite you to sit with what you feel. Do some writing. Walk out tension in nature. Draw the feelings you feel, or dance the emotions out to music that will move them through you.

Some way of “exercising” your emotions will help you to make your best decisions about what to do next.

2. Speak with like-minded people

This is not the time to isolate yourself. When you engage with others new ideas and possibilities come more quickly. As well, the possibilities of positive action are greater when we collaborate with others.

3. Learn all you can

It is important to be fully informed about the impact of the ruling and related issues — the real toll, the real risks, to real lives.

Next, marshal all of the power at your disposal.

Specific ways we can use our power now

If you share my views in this moment, I invite you to consider these ways to use your power now.

• We each have the power to support candidates for office whose values align with your own. That support can include financial donations, phone banks, postcard campaigns, and more.

• We each have the power to identify candidates who stand for the liberties we believe are the right of every citizen.

• We each have the power to help elect such candidates to local, state and national offices.

• In addition to our power to vote, we have the power to help like-minded people everywhere get mobilized to vote, and help to get them to the polls on election days — in our towns, cities and states, and in locations across the country.

• We each have the power to use our voices, in one-on-one conversations, at rallies, and on many platforms where we connect to others. (This inspiring article shows what one artist created to help people do that in great numbers.)

• We each have the power to support organizations that are focused on helping women to safely access abortion care — especially if they must travel to get that care.

We can all take action and create change

Our collective power has proven to be formidable in the past, and can be now.

We must take action on many fronts.

None of us has to do it all, and we certainly are stronger together than when we act alone.

We can prepare ourselves emotionally, commit to playing our part, and find people and organizations with whom to partner. Together our action will lead to solutions.

As we look ahead to the holiday weekend when we will celebrate the birth of our nation and the liberty it promised, we are aware that liberty was not declared for all when the Declaration of Independence was drafted. As a result of dedicated effort, some gaps were filled over time.

A most important liberty has now been taken away, and this decision is cruelly aimed at women.

We are being called to use our power and stand for personal liberty for all.

Let’s stand together.

Something worth celebrating that you may be skipping

We just ended a weekend when we celebrated Father’s Day and Juneteenth.

While these are two distinct focal points of celebration, I think and talk a lot about the importance of celebration in our lives.

Why?

When we celebrate we take the time to pay attention.

We focus on people, events or things that are positive.

And as we honor or venerate the person, event, or other focal point of the celebration, we lift our own spirits.

This creates positive energy, and when filled with positive energy we are able to generate more of it.

Celebration is a multifaceted gift we can give to both others and ourselves!

Let’s explore some specific kinds of celebration

Father’s Day

Honoring a parent is sacred. While this day can bring on a range of emotions, the essence of the holiday is beautiful. For many it is a day of joy, as they bestow love on fathers, grandfathers, grown children who are now fathers, fathers now gone, and father-figures. When we bring our focus to them, we are often able to see them with new and clearer perspective.

Juneteenth

This holiday provides us with a markedly different experience of celebration. We commemorate the true story of freedom from enslavement, about which, sadly, many people have been unaware until recently. While it is special to celebrate this meaningful event, the sacred celebration also opens our hearts. It inspires us to learn more, and to work together for true freedom.

Life events — birthdays, anniversaries, graduations

These celebrations pop up throughout the year and sprinkle delight into our lives. Marking the passage of time and major life milestones is often moving. We sit back, reflect, gain perspective, and have special opportunities to have fun with people we love. While there can be bittersweet moments, these celebrations are often full of happiness — and who does not want more happiness in their lives?

Personal triumphs (even the small ones!)

This is the category that many of us fail to fully embrace. One of my missions is to teach people the importance of celebrating ourselves!

When you give yourself a “Yay Me” for something small (like reaching out to someone new or sticking with a positive habit), to something big (like getting a promotion), you show yourself love. These are expressions of self-love.

(Here’s a list of articles related to self-love that I have written. This one specifically talks about “Yay Me’s”.)

And when you practice self-love you give yourself a small hit of dopamine — a neurotransmitter that boosts the “reward center” in your brain. This chemical reaction is surprisingly potent and makes you feel wonderful.

So why don’t we give ourselves “Yay Me’s” more often?

Most of us minimize our accomplishments. We fail to acknowledge and celebrate ourselves, often looking for external validation. And even when others do praise us, many of us find it hard to receive the praise.

Let’s change that starting today!

Take the celebration challenge!

I have cultivated a “Yay Me“ practice, and I encourage my clients to build them. I invite you to join us.

Last week I was able to give myself a few important “Yay Me’s”.

I spoke live at a wonderful conference and I enrolled brilliant clients. Those are can’t miss events, and hard to minimize.

I am especially proud that I also celebrated myself for things I would have let slip by unacknowledged before I was so aware of their importance.

For instance, I skipped a gathering I was looking forward to attending to give myself extra rest after a few days of tiring travel and early starts. My body was so grateful I made that choice, and the “Yay Me” I gave myself was the icing on the cake.

How many “Yay Me’s” can you give yourself today?

Can you give yourself at least one “Yay Me” each day for the next week? The next month?

Maybe you’ll start keeping a “Yay Me” journal, or create a record on your phone to track them!

Please share your progress, and your specific “Yay Me’s” if you wish. I’d also love to know how it feels to declare them.

And if you want to share your vision for life filled with more “Yay Me’s” and your questions about how to create it, email me and we can make a date to talk.

Until next week, stay safe and well, and create your life with joy.

Are you missing the magic?

Have you ever stopped to consider what it’s like to go it alone, compared to traveling through challenges with others

There are many reasons we opt to venture on our own, when having support around us can make things easier.

Some of us take pride in the satisfaction of doing things by ourselves. Some of us resist asking for help, thinking it shows we are not capable on our own. Or we feel we should do things on our own. Others feel doing things their way is always the best way.

For many years I never asked for help. All of the reasons noted above played into my insistence on doing things myself.

What happens when you have help and support

What I have learned time and again, is that we are all stronger, and benefit in countless ways, when we seek out and surround ourselves with loving help.

The coaches, the healers, and the network of fellow travellers with whom I have ventured in recent years have had an enormous influence on the quality of my life, the work I do, and the pace at which I have been able to make great changes.

And last week I witnessed the power of a group in a remarkable way.

This is what happened

Seven exceptional women joined me for the 3-day Live Big Live! spring retreat, that concluded on Saturday.

Each of these women is accomplished. They are leaders. They impact the world with the work they do.

And they — and I — experienced the great results of having the support of a wonderful group, rather than being a solo traveler through life.

This is what it looked liked.

Each woman was guided to go deep into her heart to gain clarity about her vision for the months and year ahead; to identify what limits her and learn to overcome old stories and habits; and to make a plan for how she will live into her vision. This journey is richly rewarding, but it can bring up complex emotions.

As everyone moved through a series of exercises to explore, and then articulate and creatively express the components of their visions and plans, there was laughter, and there were also some tears.

And there was a lot of sharing.

Over and over, someone in the group spoke about something, or affirmed something for someone else, that proved to be enlightening or inspirational for others around her.

Rather than feeling “alone” with an issue, it was comforting to know that the lack of clarity, or flagging confidence, or stubborn old story that’s been a hindrance, is something that others like her experience.

And sometimes a woman asked the perfect question, or had lessons or perspectives to share about working through specific issues, that proved to be just what someone else needed to hear.

When we travel together through sensitive terrain, we learn so much from one another, and others learn from us.

We also inspire one another — everyone benefits as awareness and resolve and clear expression emerge!

And as the leader of the retreat, I was able to connect many “dots” that were offered by the group, that expanded on what I know and what I teach.

All of us felt immense appreciation for the tangible magic that filled the room. By allowing ourselves to be fully present and generously open, we created the ideal conditions for profound outcomes to emerge for all.

(I hope you enjoy a glimpse of the retreat in the photos below.)

What support will you choose?

Rather than going it alone, you can have loving support to transform the life you are living today.

I would be happy to talk about the dreams you have, what gets in the way, and what is possible for you.

My help may be a fit for you, or I may have a recommendation to offer you.

It would be my pleasure to help you sort things out, so you are not alone as you begin to bring the change you yearn for into your life. Email me and we can make a date.

Until next week, stay safe and well, and create your life with joy. (And

What does true devotion look like for you?

Last weekend I traveled across the country to attend the wedding of a friend who I had not seen in several years. I had never met her fiancé and was excited to celebrate with them at the long-awaited event.

It was a truly beautiful weekend, filled with joy. I loved meeting the man I’d heard so much about, and was struck by the deep devotion the couple have for one another.

I knew my friend had stood by him after a serious surgery. And I knew he had supported her through severe long-COVID. Hearing about how they had made their incredible initial connection, and the ways they have faced challenges together, demonstrated true love and remarkable devotion.

This got me thinking about devotion, and how broadly we can reflect on it.

In addition to thinking about devotion in the context of a loving relationship, we have the opportunity to think about what we bring devotion to in our lives.

To whom, and to what, are you devoted?

It’s great to think about people to whom you are devoted. These relationships are precious, whether with a partner, a family, a dear friend or other special person.

Some people are devoted to special animals who are like family to them.

I invite you to consider your devotion to other things as well.

Some of us are devoted to the work we do, while for many others, work may be comfortable, a means to an end, or worse, something that they simply endure.

Some feel devoted to:

• a calling

• a cause

• principles

• values they treasure

• their religion, or God

I invite you to bring devotion to yourself.

Have you considered how devoted you are to yourself?

Many accomplished women find themselves focused on a huge range of responsibilities — work, family, community, organizations, care of elderly relatives, and more — and lose sight of the importance of their own wellbeing.

When we sacrifice our health and wellbeing, we pay a price — and we are unable to be as effective as we want to be in every other area of our lives.

What would it look like to bring more devotion to yourself, starting today?

Might you get more rest? Eat healthier food? Make sacred time to meditate, or write in a journal, or express yourself through art, or music or dance?

Might you create space for play and fun, or time in nature?

Might you relax, read, or invite a special friend to join you for a walk?

Might you lovingly say no to a request, to be sure you honor yourself and your needs?

These are all ways to bring devotion to yourself.

Any of these expressions of devotion (or any other way you feel moved to treat to yourself as worthy of that level of care) will bring you significant benefits.

Whenever you pursue things that light you up and fuel your spirit, or that bring you joy and make you feel inspired, you are being beautifully devoted to yourself.

This is not selfish! It is a meaningful way to practice self-love.

Allow yourself to connect to your heart, and feel the kind of devotion to yourself that you feel for others.

Why not set an intention to be devoted to your wellbeing, starting today?

I predict that when you treasure yourself in this way you will experience wonderful ripple effects in your life.

Until next week, stay safe and well, and create your life with joy.

Have you tapped the treasures in your heart?

Now that the weather is mild and most of us are emerging from isolation, we are also becoming more aware of the impacts the last two years have had. All of us have experienced them to one degree or another, and in many different ways.

And, after the week of devastating news about another horrific, senseless shooting, coupled with concerns about wars, disease, and more that are ongoing, it is easy to feel stressed, despondent and even anxious.

Life can hold joys and wonders for us, even as we feel pain, sadness, and experience stress. The balance is always shifting, ebbing and flowing.

The best resource is your heart

When you connect to your heart and explore what is there, you will find treasures.

Sit in stillness and assess two things:
what you are feeling, and what you desire.

If your heart aches, it may sound counterintuitive to characterize that as a treasure. But whenever we connect to our emotions and our desires — both of which we find when we make a heart connection — we are enriched.

Being aware of and honoring our emotions enables us to be fully aware, rather than hiding from or ignoring our feelings.

Knowing what we truly want gives us a valuable compass.

Connect to the feelings you find

When assessing what you feel, you may find one clear emotion rings out, or a cocktail of several kinds of feelings in a jumble. In either case, honor what you feel.

Sadness, anger, pain or stress need to be acknowledged so you can find support and apply techniques to soften them, rather than experiencing prolonged discomfort.

Joy, love, excitement and pleasure can be celebrated, and thus can expand rather than being taken for granted or pushed aside in the midst if a busy life.

Focus on your desires

It is notable to me how many people with whom I work are not able to easily identify what they want.

They may struggle to know what they want in the moment, and feel flummoxed by the question if they are asked about what they want in terms of the direction for their life or future.

The answers lie in your heart, and can be found when you jog them loose.

One way to get clear is to do a powerful exercise with a partner that I teach in my book Live Big: A Manifesto for a Creative Life. If you have the book, you will find it on page 79.

And there is a short list of questions you can ask yourself each morning for a few days, on page 125. Use a journal to note what shows up.

Here are the questions:

• What do I want?

• What will bring me happiness, or enhance the happiness I feel in this moment?

• What does my heart yearn for now?

• What is my gut trying to tell me?

• How can I make today amazing?

These questions will open up your truths. You may even be surprised at what shows up when you answer without editing or judging the realizations.

What to do next

How to process deep difficult emotions will vary.

Often your awareness, plus journalling about the feelings, creating in any way you wish with the emotion you feel as your energetic “fuel”, or reaching out for support (from a friend or counselor) will be what you need to lighten or transform those emotions. If you continue to struggle, a consultation with your primary care physician can be a good first step to find a therapist or other help.

And when you become clear about the desires you have you can take steps toward what you want.

In the near-term, honor your desires. If you crave fresh air, make time to get outdoors. If you miss time with a particular person or group of friends, make a plan to get together. If a particular food appeals to you, enjoy it. Get accustomed to knowing what you want and feeling deserving of the things you desire.

And when you are clear about important things for you that are longer-term — perhaps related to a change in the work you do, the place you live, or a relationship, start laying the groundwork to create that reality in your life.

We have the power to be creators of the lives we want

When you are clear about what that is, and able to process and shift difficult emotions that limit you, you can take one small step followed by the next small step in the direction of your vision. Those baby steps add up and you will see that the momentum builds!

Here is a question for you:

How will you begin today?

Until next week, stay safe and well, and create your life with joy.

What to do when life feels out of control

Most accomplished women find that they have over-committed themselves at one time or another.

It can happen because of big demands at work, big family demands, or voluntarily taking on something big and important in addition to ongoing work and personal responsibilities.

And sometimes life happens, and things pile up despite our best efforts to keep things sane.

At other times we feel called to take on that big extra something knowing it will be demanding, because it is so important to us.

One of my clients shared that she found herself in a situation like that this week, and I recalled having been there myself.

The “extra” commitment she knowingly took on was urgent and it meant a lot to her. And then it ballooned into something even bigger, demanding even more time and energy.

The stress and exhaustion she described took me back to times I thought I would burst at the seams trying to manage way too much. I wish I had known then what I know today.

What happens when you are in over your head

In addition to witnessing stress and exhaustion, I saw that my client, a brilliant woman, felt trapped. She felt trapped by the pressure and was not able to see a way out.

A toxic combination like that can be overwhelming, and in that state it is hard to think clearly. It is also hard to make decisions that are in your best interest.

This is a form of burnout.

We think of burnout as a long-term issue that takes a big toll. But short-term periods of high stress are not to be ignored. They, too, take a significant toll.

3 steps to take when you feel overwhelmed

The first thing to go out the window when in the midst of very high stress is your ability to find your center and take care of yourself. Knowing how to find release from crushing stress is crucial.

Try these 3 ways to ground yourself:

1. Your breath is your ally

Of course we all breathe all the time. But the way you breathe can have a remarkable impact.

When stressed, you are likely to take shallow breaths as you plow through tasks.

This is the time to pause, shut the office door or find a spot to get quiet, and slowly breathe with intention. You might put your hands on your heart as you breathe deeply, filling your belly. Then exhale even more slowly. Pause and repeat.

After breathing quietly and slowly for a couple of minutes you will find yourself feeling more grounded, centered and present.

As your system quiets, you can also connect to your body, feel fully into your heart, and calmly tune into your thoughts.

2. Turn your attention to self-care

With newfound calm, you will likely be able to appreciate that some things must wait, as you consider what you need most to take care of yourself.

Maybe you need healthy food to fuel your body. Maybe you need to get out for some fresh air and movement, or get to bed and catch up on your sleep.

Ask yourself what your body needs and what will fuel your spirit.

If you run yourself ragged, you will do no good for anyone else, and the projects you are trying to work on will suffer.

Ultimately the outcomes will be better if you are fresher when you return to the demands that you had been exhausting yourself to focus on.

3. Leverage the efforts of others

Ask others for help and support! Seek out friendship, moral support and practical help.

Look to delegate as much as you can — even if you believe you would “do it better” than others might.

And here are some related ideas to consider.

Think about whether parts of the effort can be postponed. Are the deadlines really set in stone?

Maybe you can drop some of what you have been focused on. Does all of it have to be done?

Think about as many ways to lighten your load as you can.

Ward off potential overwhelm early

The best part of having moved through a tough period such as this, and having experienced positive results using some or all of the techniques noted above, is that you will be better able to recognize the warning signs of impending overwhelm in the future.

I am happy to say that my client took time to give herself the space and care she needed to look at the situation with fresh eyes. She has updated her plan for moving ahead. While she knows challenges still lie ahead, she has a sharper perspective and is feeling better.

And she will be less likely to find herself caught off-guard in the future.

Ideally, you, too, can be alert and make choices and decisions that will prevent you from finding yourself in the midst of major overwhelm.

Of course, there may well be times that something huge appears in your life, that must be dealt with. 

Knowing that you have actions to take to keep you from experiencing full-blown overwhelm, or to help you get back to equilibrium, will help.

You will know to take the first step: to slow down your breathing. From that quiet place you will be able to make your best decisions.

Stay safe and well, and create your life with joy.

3 easy ways to create more space in your life

I have been writing a new talk for weeks, that I presented for the first time last Tuesday. It was wonderful to share something new with the attendees of Lexington Wealth Management’s Empower Women series.

The title of my latest talk is: Live Big Without Sacrifice

As I have observed the lives of women (and men) around me, have heard from my clients, have reflected on the culture that surrounds us all, and focused on my own life, it is clear how many of us sacrifice our physical and mental wellbeing each day. The degree of sacrifice varies, but those sacrifices take a toll.

Now this is a big topic, and my talk offers major themes that may not be top-of-mind for most. But I want to share a fundamental truth (one that you may be familiar with if you have read my book) that I hope will help you today.

We need to create more time to simply BE

When we make space to BE more, we not only rest and care for ourselves, we are able to consider what really matters to us.

This space allows us to get clear about what we want to DO, and gain more insight into how we want to do those things.

As I say in my book, Live Big, we are human beings, but most of us spend most of our time doing. I invite you to focus on BEING before DOING.

And all of the ways of being that we choose to make our focus will create a foundation for the quality of our lives.

Let’s consider the most basic matter:

How to create space for more BEING

As I write today, I am away, with time to rest and reflect after a busy start of the year. Vacations are great — but they are not the answer.

The challenge (and imperative) is to focus on how to BE more in the midst of a busy life.

I invite you to explore these 3 ideas:

1. Commit to a morning practice

The form and duration of your morning practice is a personal choice.

It may include stretching or yoga, going for a run, or some other exercise. It may include journaling. It may include meditation. It may be structured so there is no screen time or listening to news before you get outside and breath fresh air.

One part of my daily practice is to pull a card from an oracle deck and use that as a prompt for journaling, reflecting, and setting intentions for my day.

If the idea of a morning practice is new to you, why not experiment and find what you like best?

2. Schedule breaks in your day

How many times have you plowed through your day, grabbed lunch on the go, and barely had time to think of anything other than the pressing items on your to-do list?

This a sure path to burnout! Why not make one or more of these ideas a regular part of each day?

• Take a “sacred pause.” Simply find a quiet place, set your clock for 2 minutes, close your eyes, and breathe quietly. (That’s it!)

• Make time to digest a healthy meal and bring your attention to the present. Chew your food slowly, savor the flavors and textures. You might sit in stillness or share a pleasant conversation.

• Chose to sit and do nothing! It could be to sit on a bench where you can watch people go by. Maybe you will look out a window at the sky or vista. Any form of doing nothing — for 5 or 10 minutes (or longer) will make a big difference in your wellbeing.

• Do a little moving. Walk around the block. Use the stairs instead of taking an escalator. Stand and stretch out your achy muscles after sitting in a meeting or being stuck at your desk. Your body will thank you!

3. Seek out inspiration and delight

This idea is the icing on the cake — and might be combined with things you choose in the two categories above, or something you do in another way.

When you look for wonder in your midst, or seek out beauty with intention, you light up your spirit and open your heart.

You might take a mid-day walk and use the camera on your phone to capture moments of natural beauty, or snap a photo of a curious color combination or an interesting light pattern. Or, look around you indoors and see where there are moments of delight you can savor.

You might schedule a date with yourself or a friend to visit a gallery, or go into a lovely shop you spotted as you drove past.

Any form of inspiration will bring positive energy into your life.

Why not start today?

I hope you will join me and commit to regularly giving yourself the space and grace to BE more — especially in the midst of a life that feels busy.

Small practices that create more space for you can have a surprisingly big impact.

Please share what you try and what you experience. Let’s stay inspired together!

Stay safe and well, and create your life with joy.

How to harness your attention and reap big rewards

Have you noticed — in yourself, and others around you — how often our attention is focused on things that happened in the past and things that have not yet happened?

We replay the past for so many reasons.

We recall disappointments and mistakes and rerun them in our minds. Sometimes we replay happy events and successes, but most of us are pulled to memories that related to failures, sadness, frustration, shame and regret.

We also have a tendency to focus our thinking on things in the future.

It certainly makes sense to plan ahead and keep future goals in mind, but there's a trap here. We often create assumptions and spin stories about things that we think are likely to happen, and get stuck focused on the imagined events and outcomes.

What we miss is the opportunity to be fully present. We miss now, and all the potential of the moment we are in.

Attention is a precious commodity

We all know there are only 24 hours in a day — that limit is clear.

What most people fail to consider is that our attention each day also has limits.

Our attention is precious. We help ourselves enormously when we allocate our attention with care.

Do you ever pause to ask yourself questions like these?

• Where am I directing my attention?

• What am I choosing to focus on?

• Am I present now, or am I thinking about the past?

• Am I present now, or am I focused on what may or may not happen down the road?

I invite you to appreciate the importance of asking questions like these to assess where your attention lies in a given moment.

I also invite you to appreciate the opportunities that are yours when you are fully present.

The gifts of living in the now

We miss so much opportunity when we fail to be fully present.

Rather than suffering when we rehash events of the past (instead of learning from them and moving on), when you focus on the present you can reap the insights and opportunities that are in front of you now.

Rather than imagining (and often fretting about) things that have not happened, and may never happen, when you focus on the present you can make the most of the moment you are in, think expansively, and actively take steps to shape the future.

Being present keeps you open and aware. You can be curious. You can listen to your intuition. You can spot opportunities, and tune in to events and people around you.

Most of all, when you live in the present, you are able to create each next best decision as you move through your day.

Being fully present enables you to make the most of your precious attention, so you can create your best life one moment at a time.

Why not give yourself that gift today, and bring that awareness into your life again tomorrow? Before long, you will be living in the present with ease, and reaping great rewards.

I’d love to hear about the impact this practice has for you.

Stay safe and well, and create your life with joy.

Recalling 3 special gifts my mother gave me

I don’t know about you, but I just realized that Mother’s Day is coming up this weekend!

Mother’s Day is bittersweet for me. It’s wonderful being with my children and two precious grandchildren. But ever since I lost my mother in August 2020, anticipating the day brings back memories of family celebrations over many decades that make me long to embrace my mother again, and see her smile.

I am savoring those sweet memories (including her delight at being with us at my son’s college graduation, that you can see in the photo above), and recalling how much she influenced not only me, but countless others.

My mother’s wisdom

If you are a long-time reader of my Big Ideas, you may recall the post I wrote about my mother's lessons for all of us, that was written soon after she died.

Today I am thinking again about some of the ways she enriched not only her family and friends, but the many ways she had a huge impact that spread far like ripples. Her influence continues to enrich countless people who often speak to me about her.

Here are a few gems I am thinking about and want to share.

When we care about others they remember and are grateful

My mother loved people. Many of my friends continue to recall how much they loved hanging at our house, and secretly wished my mother was theirs.

My mother could meet you at a cafe or sit next to you on a plane ride, and strike up such a rich connection that she would then introduce you to others with whom you’d click right away.

She was genuine and warm and cared. This is something we can all consider when we have opportunities to connect to others.

When we share what we love we inspire others

My mother had a deep love for beautiful things. She loved art. She loved being in nature and seeing beautiful vistas. She set the most exquisite tables (and cooked exquisite food to put on those tables). Many friends have shared stories about how she helped them rearrange a bookcase, or a room, or their kitchen cabinets, so they were both beautiful and functional.

I grew up thinking that everyone was surrounded by beauty and appreciated beauty. I came to realize that that is far from universal.

By tuning in to beauty, and creating moments that are beautiful whenever possible, you add delight to your life and you delight and inspire others.

When we love with a whole heart we create a wonderful life

My mother was full of love. Does that mean she lived a dream life? None of us are blessed with a life that is “perfect.”

And still, love was front and center in her life, and its role was great.

She loved my father for over 70 years. She loved her children and grandchildren and great grandchildren. Taking her children, and later her grandchildren, on trips meant the world to her — and created many lasting sweet memories. She had deep friendships and spread her smile and love with tremendous generosity.

One amazing way my mother expressed love was through her art. The sketchbooks she filled on vacations, the paintings and prints and drawings that filled our home, all transmitted her love.

I have come to see how much she created, in ways I did not appreciate growing up.

Fueled by love, she created deep meaningful connections. Fueled by love she created environments that were a joy to be in. Fueled by love, she generously helped others. Fueled by love, her culinary creations were legendary. Fueled by love, she adventured to far-off places and brought home stories and drawings to share the delight she felt.

Thanks to my mother, I fuel my life with love

I have made love a great focus in my life. I try and bring that energy to everything I do.

One thing I was inspired to do is study, practice, and teach about the importance of self-love. This is one form of love I wish my mother had made a greater focus for herself.

Why do I consider self-love to be so important? When we truly love and value and believe in ourselves and our gifts, we can bring the greatest love to others, and to everything we do.

I invite you to consider all the ways you can bring a deeper focus to love, and find inspiration for all you do when you make love your starting point.

Rather than having fear, or anger, or anxiety intrude, choose to start with love. Bring it into your relationships, and into the the work you do, and into your orientation to everything, every day.

You will give yourself a magnificent gift and you will spread love far and wide.

In fact, like my mother, you may never even realize the influence you will have.

Stay safe and well, and create your life with joy.

How to make each day a little easier

When people ask how you are, is your answer usually, “Busy!”? You may use other expressions that convey there's a lot — maybe too much — going on.

Maybe you live in over-drive, like so many accomplished professionals I know and speak to. Some wear their fast-paced, often stress-filled striving like a badge of honor. Some feel exhausted and are looking for a way to reduce the intensity.

Whichever camp you may be in, there is a strikingly simple way to make things easier, that I discovered and use all the time.

Self-talk can provide a huge assist

The frame of mind we choose, and the energy that is supported by our thinking, can result in very different experiences.

Consider these two ways to approach the same situation.

Scenario 1: 

This person sits down at her desk and looks over a huge list of things to do before the end of the day.

She says to herself, “This is going to be hard! It will take all day, and maybe into the evening, to get it done.”

She gets to work and pushes through the hours. She barely takes a break, and finds herself feeling irritable.

Scenario 2: 

Another person starts her day looking at a similar list.

She says to herself, “Wow, there’s a lot on this list! What if it does not have to be hard? What if it’s easy to get through these tasks? I have an abundance of time!”

She starts her work, feeling good about all she will accomplish. She moves from task to task, and takes a brief break each hour. She also makes sure to eat well mid-day.

Their outcomes

In Scenario 1, the day ends with a lot accomplished but she feels depleted. She gets home feeling weary and dreading more of the same for the rest of the week.

In Scenario 2, the day ends with a lot accomplished and she feels satisfied and eager to have a nice evening. She knows there is a lot to do the rest of the week, and knows she will approach each day with a similar orientation.

Turn around thoughts that make life harder

A good rule of thumb that will help you shift your self-talk to experience more ease and better outcomes is to turn around the thoughts that do not support you to bring your best energy to tasks at hand (and hamper your outcomes, too).

That’s right. You can reframe negative thoughts to be the opposite — thus turning them into in positive thoughts.

Our negative way of thinking is often on “automatic,” because we do it so regularly.

It’s easier to change those patterns than you may think.

Here are some examples. I’ll begin with a review of the common thoughts noted in the scenarios above.

1. “It‘s going to be hard.”

Most of us use this statement without considering its impact.

Here are a few ways this thinking can show up:
“Making our travel arrangements is going to be hard.”
“This will be a hard conversation.”
“It’s always hard to find the best solution to problems like this one.”

We set ourselves up for struggle when we think this way at the start.

By turning each around, we can feel positive, and maybe even look forward to the experience of making those travel arrangements or solving those problems. In the case of anticipating a “hard” conversation, a turnaround statement helps us defuse the heavy emotion and approach the conversation with more ease. This shift may even help you feel more confident.

2. “There’s not enough time.”

This is something I found myself saying nearly daily for years. One day, my coach looked at a full agenda of things we planned to get through in a day, and said, “There’s a lot here, and we have an abundance of time!”

Not only did her energy shift when she said that, mine did, too. We found that we moved through everything we intended, and really enjoyed the process.

I have been reminding myself that there is an abundance of time ever since, and it’s been a game-changer. My clients have loved adopting this approach, too.

3. “This is complicated.” 

Sure, some things are complex, but you can look at the same circumstances and say, “I can figure this out! It may not be so complicated.”

Can you envision how differently you will feel as you move ahead with this frame of mind?

4. “This is stressful.”

You might turn this statement around and tell yourself, “This is an interesting situation. It feels stressful, but it does not have to be.” 

What other negative thoughts can you notice, and start to turn around?

Start paying attention to your self-talk today

When you bring awareness to habitual ways of thinking that make your life harder, you are able to consciously make small (and significant) shifts in your thinking. Why not begin now?

If you try it, and see that day-to-day life becomes easier and more enjoyable, I would love to hear about what is working for you and the difference it’s making.

Leave a comment or email me me to let me know.

And now, I will return to my to-do list for the day. I know I have all the time I need to get through it!

Stay safe and well, and create your life with joy.

If you crave certainty, this is for you

If you celebrated a holiday this past weekend, I hope it was lovely.

We look forward to many events, and hope for gatherings to be happy, friction-free and fun.

Like many moments in life, we crave certainty and we aim to control outcomes — in spite of the fact that such control is unrealistic.

How to let go of control and stress

Of course, we must first acknowledge that there are things beyond our control.

It’s those things that we think we can control that I’m addressing here.

Whether you are hosting a holiday meal or planning a business program, pitching a proposal or heading out for vacation, the impulse to control everything to assure perfection is tempting (and for some, an automatic way to operate).

For most people, that brings on stress — which is not only counter-productive, it hinders that outcome they desire.

Here are three great approaches to try instead:

1. Be clear about the control you have

The only thing we can be certain about is a belief in ourselves. (This may take some cultivating, and I promise it will be a worthwhile endeavor.)

Consider bringing focus to these areas:

• your resourcefulness

• your resilience

• your efforts to do your best

• your trust in yourself

When you focus there, strengthen each of them, and believe in these qualities, you are in the best position to move ahead effectively and with confidence.

2. Let go of the need for perfection

I realize this one is hard for many of us. (I consider myself a “recovering perfectionist,” and this is life-long work for me!)

There are two ways to think about perfection.

• One is to acknowledge that there is no such thing as perfection. This allows us to take things far less seriously, and removes judgement. We can appreciate good and great, not needing “perfect.”

• The other option is to accept that whatever happens is perfect! We can be proud and happy for good outcomes, and can learn from less-than-ideal outcomes. These less-than-stellar results are gifts that can inform our future efforts, and are often the best thing possible in the long-run.

I try to embrace both of these concepts.

3. Give yourself grace

When you embrace points one and two, you can move ahead with a foundation of self-love and self-compassion. You can bring more of your gifts to every project and plan on which you embark.

You can not only trust yourself, you can extend the trust to those with whom you choose to collaborate. And you can trust the universe to support your efforts.

You can appreciate that everything is an opportunity for learning and expansion.

This self-leadership is the foundation for leadership of all sorts in your life. Leading at work, leading the way for healthy relationships, inspiring others as you lead with creativity and vision, committing to ongoing self-awareness, and, ultimately, making the biggest impact.

Are you ready to boldly lead your life?

Every day affords each of us the opportunity for growth and for expansion — for becoming the confident, clear, focused person we aspire to be.

Perhaps you are a woman who yearns to be a stronger leader in your life, and is ready to bring all of your greatness forward to create your most inspired future.

If that resonates with you, let’s talk.

Email me and we’ll make a date to explore the dreams you have and what’s in the way. I would be happy to provide insights, and may have resources to offer you.

Stay safe and well, and create your life with joy.

Don’t miss out on the subtle gifts of the season

There is no doubt that living through the pandemic for over 2 years has changed us. Even those fortunate enough to have remained healthy and working productively are realizing ways that they have been impacted.

Researchers are now sharing more insights about sleep interruption; mental health problems caused by isolation, grief and worry; stress associated with everything from economic changes to parenting children of every age; and physical challenges that include unusually early starts of menstruation, weight gain, lack of exercise, and the damage the body suffers from sitting for hours on end.

I am grateful that spring (which is just becoming evident here in New England) is here — on the calendar and in front of our eyes. With this new season we can approach our lives in many ways that will support our physical, emotional and mental wellbeing.

Spring offers many gifts

Most of us think about spring as a time of warmer temperatures, blooming flowers and trees, and the delight of being outdoors with ease.

And I am grateful for all of that!

There is also a deeper layer of opportunity and insight we can explore. We are more closely connected to the rhythms and energy of nature than many of us realize. There is an intelligence in nature we can tap into now.

We just lived through the season of winter and receptivity.

Nature inspired us to be more quiet and reflective, connecting to deep inner knowing. It was a time to dream and feel inspired to create visions for what we want.

Spring shifts us into the season of embodiment — and this is a time to focus on being.

We can focus on becoming the person who will activate the insights and visions of winter — and become energized to plant the seeds for all that we dreamed of creating.

When we are fully embodied, awakened and inspired, we can plant the seeds with care and tend to the seeds. Even when challenges appear (which is inevitable), we can keep our energy strong, stay focused, and bring loving devotion to the effort of nurturing what we aim to create.

How to embrace the energy of the season

When I embark on anything new — and I have a lot of new things I am planting seeds for now — I first aim to feel as inspired as possible. One thing that always opens my heart is seeing great art.

This weekend I went to the Museum of Fine Arts (for only the second time since the start of the pandemic). I chose to spend most of my time in galleries that were not crowded, and the gift was that I found incredible treasures. They provided wonderful inspiration.

A brisk walk near the museum offered a great wake-up for many muscle groups in my stiff body. And spotting early signs of color and plant growth lifted my spirits to even great heights.

While it was not on my plan for the day, when I got home I felt a huge desire to paint! I turned on my favorite music and three hours of creating flew by. New ideas came pouring in, too.

This positioned me to start the week filled with energy, brimming with big ideas, and feeling physically vibrant.

How will you make the most of the season?

Each day we have the opportunity to renew and bolster our energy, to support vibrant physical wellbeing and a strong spirit.

As you focus on who you are becoming in this season of growth, think about what seeds you feel called to plant now.

And think about how will you keep your energy strong, to tend to them over time.

Spend a few minutes focusing on what lights you up, opens your heart, inspires you. What opportunities are accessible to you, to excite you now?

Maybe you will pass on a museum visit and hop on your bike, or plan a social event with special friends in a gorgeous place, or try a new kind of yoga, or play an instrument, or start a dance party, or explore a scenic town.

I would love to hear what you choose, and what happens when you activate your energy to make the most of this glorious season. Leave a comment, or email me.

Stay safe and well, and create your life with joy.

What I stopped tolerating — that may inspire you.

For years I have struggled to stay organized. Maybe you can relate. I typically have lots of projects underway, and I take lots of notes. The result? A lot of paper — paper that I get too busy to keep organized.

Add to that, I am a visual person, so seeing folders (or piles of papers) for various projects feels comforting to me.

The result? A chaotic desk that leads to stress.

When the stress builds up I bring in help — I work with a great professional organizer. She has helped me enormously over the years. Yet in spite of the updated systems and many great suggestions she has made, I continued to slip back into cycles of desk chaos.

And I continued to tolerate waves of that stress.

But I am no longer willing to do so.

What do we tolerate and why?

Many of us tolerate a lot. We tolerate clutter — both physical clutter and emotional clutter — that can range from mild to intense.

Mild annoyances can look like tolerating someone leaving dirty dishes for others to wash, or occasional rudeness you choose to shrug off. Seriously problematic things might include tolerating unhealthy environments or abusive behavior.

And while my cluttered desk pales in comparison to someone tolerating emotional abuse, it’s interesting to consider why we tolerate whatever it is that causes us stress.

We tolerate things for several reasons.

• We are not clear about our standards, or the standards of the group we are part of.

• We want to avoid awkward or difficult conversations.

• We want to be comfortable more than we are willing to make a change.

• We do not feel strong enough to stand up for ourselves.

• We feel hopeless or afraid.

• We do not feel deserving.

Each of these could be fully covered in a separate article, and each can entail a lot of personal exploration. (For today, we’ll focus on one illustration that can apply to a range of issues.)

Some challenges on this list may be easier for some people to overcome than others, and some take time and support to address.

It may be helpful to pinpoint what is in the way for you, for a given matter (or matters) that you are tolerating.

Until we decide we will not tolerate it, nothing changes

No matter the issue, and no matter the reason, change will only happen when we decide we are ready for things to change. We are ready to take action.

What does it take to make a change?

• Setting new standards.

• Deciding that you are worthy (of respect, of not being taken advantage of by others, of an environment that supports your wellbeing — to name but a few).

• Being willing to take a stand for what matters to you and courageously making changes.

In the case of my messy desk, being willing to make a change had been my problem. For a very long time it was more “comfortable” to continue tolerating clutter and stress.

When I set a new standard for myself, decided I deserved to feel happier and less stressed, and was willing to do what I needed to do to improve the situation, things did change.

When we are unwilling to tolerate something we find solutions

If you want to start addressing something relatively small, consider the case of my disorganized desk.

After getting help to deal with everything that was stacked on my desk — creating new folders, updating my filing approach and filling a recycle bin with papers I did not even need — I had a “clean start.”

I took the plunge and invested in an electronic tablet on which to take all of my notes by hand. I set up a system of folders on the tablet that is clear and easy for me to use. Right from the start I hardly wrote on paper at all. And for the last two weeks my desk has remained clear!

After the first week I realized that another layer of process was needed: to extract action-items, and suggested resources to follow-up on, from meeting notes. (There are no longer page flags on paper to signal things for follow-up, which were not very effective anyway.)

I am in the process of refining my new systems now, but I love the changes I am making. And I am asking for help to take the pressure off of feeling like I need to figure it all out, perfectly, myself.

My daily work experience makes me so much happier now, and that translates to getting more done with ease.

What one small thing are you ready to stop tolerating now?

I always recommend that people start by making a small change before tackling big ones.

Is there something that’s come to mind that you want to stop tolerating?

Consider the reason (or reasons) you have continued to tolerate the matter.

Next, look back at the things noted above that will support you to make a change, and consider what steps you can take.

Why not start today — even if that means simply brainstorming options, or deciding who can help you, or reminding yourself that you deserve this and can do it, or researching helpful resources?

Starting is key. Then take another small step.

Once you are in action, you will gain momentum. And when you have decluttered the physical or emotional matter (in a single day or over a longer span of time), you will have done something great for yourself.

The next time you are ready to make a change, you will have a foundation of success to build on. And you will feel able to tackle something bigger, if and when necessary.

I would be happy to hear about the changes you bring into your life when you decide there are things you are no longer willing to tolerate. Leave a comment or email me.

Stay safe and well, and create your life with joy.

What choices will you make today?

Considering how much accomplished people like us do each day, and considering the demands on our time and attention — from work matters, to family responsibilities, to concerns about world events — it’s no wonder that many of us feel stressed.

It’s easy to feel pulled in many directions as we move through each day. It can feel like trying to juggle too many balls at once.

This state of being can be exhausting. And sometimes it feels like there's no way to avoid the pressure.

Yet, there is an alternative to living with stress.

You always get to choose

While many pressures may feel beyond your control, the truth is that we always have choices, and we get to choose.

Here are three ways you can do that.

1. You can choose your frame of mind

This is a big opportunity, and one that many people never consider.

It may feel like an automatic response to be overwhelmed when there’s a lot going on, or demands are being made of us. We tend to approach everything with overwhelmed energy.

In fact, you can choose the way you respond.

You can choose to slow down.

You can choose to breathe with intention.

You can choose to be thoughtful, and to move forward calmly.

You can choose to be optimistic. You can choose to be supportive. You can choose to bring humor to the moment.

The energy you bring into any conversation or effort impacts the outcome you will experience.

What frame of mind and energy do you want to choose right now?

2. You can choose to be curious

Rather than jumping to judgement — of yourself or others — when things do not go as you wish, you can choose to be open, observant and curious.

Making the choice to observe and be curious entails slowing down. A benefit of slowing down is that you can think a bit and create your next step forward or your response, rather that reacting in the heat of the moment.

Curiosity can inspire you to ask great questions.

You might ask,

Why are things happening as they are?

What if I/we try a new approached to see what happens?

What might be possible that I never considered?

Questions like these put you on a path of discovery.

What can you consider with curiosity today?

3. You can choose relationships that make you happy

While there may be difficult people in your life with whom you must be connected, there are many people you can intentionally choose to include, or not include.

You get to choose to spend time with people who show up with positive energy.

And you get to minimize or end connections to people who are negative, harsh, critical, angry, or unkind. (I know this may sound hard to do, particularly if you are a people-pleaser, but it can be done.)

“Toxic” relationships take a toll on us.

Why not choose to surround yourself with people who show up with joy, love, fun and optimism? (And why not choose to minimize time with those who drain your energy, even as you must stay connected?)

This is a great time to make a list of people with whom you want to spend more time, and those you want to see less of — or stop seeing.

When you choose with intention, you create the life you want

I hope you feel inspired to bring awareness to how you use your energy each day.

Will you choose to be positive?

Consider your outlook and choose a bright one. Consider opportunities to be curious and explore. And consider being with people who will buoy your spirits. 

When all of us tap into positive energy this way we bring our best selves to everything we do. We have the biggest impact because we live more of our greatness. 

Your life will be enriched, and the world will benefit.

Stay safe and well, and create your life with joy.

How to stay strong now

We are living day by day in the midst of troubling world events.

We have been especially challenged for the last two years, and life always includes challenges. Now, the invasion in Ukraine fills us with deep pain and concern.

We need strength

Truthfully, we always need strength. We need strength to cope with challenges related to health matters, strained relationships, loss and grief, financial pressures, uncertainty, and a host of small daily issues that can knock us off course.

And in this moment, we especially need to find strength — for ourselves, for each other, and to send into the world to support people everywhere who are at risk.

How to find strength

When we are stressed, connecting to our strength may feel difficult. This process may help you:

1. Connect to your emotions.

When you slow down and identify what you are feeling, you have awareness of your current state. Rather than pushing these emotions down, allow yourself to name them and feel them.

(You may want to check out the article I wrote last week, where I shared great ways to give difficult emotions an outlet.)

2. Create calm.

Getting still and quiet allows you to breathe with intension and calm your system.

You may want to place your hands on your heart and imagine your heart breathing in love on each inhale. With each exhale, allow yourself to release tension, as you consciously relax your body.

(You can do this for as little as a single minute, you can quietly breath calmly for longer stretches, and you can pause and create calm multiple times in your day.)

3. Try using the Discovery Dozen™ exercise.

If you have my book, you are familiar with this great tool, that can be used in many ways.

The Discovery Dozen structure is simple. It begins with creating a fill-in-the-blank sentence. You then complete the sentence 12 times, each time with a different ending. The key is to write quickly and not edit yourself.

Try this one.

First jot down a challenging emotion you identified (or pick one, if several came up for you). Now you are ready to construct your Discovery Dozen sentence. Write it at the top of the page:

To find my strength in spite of feeling [your emotion], I ____________ .

Quickly complete that sentence 12 times. (You can number 1 through 12 down the side of the page to make it easy to write quickly without pausing to count.)

For example, your completed sentences might say:

• To find my strength in spite of feeling fearful, I can remind myself of times I bravely stood up for myself.

• To find my strength in spite of feeling fearful, I can remember I am not in danger right now.

• To find my strength in spite of feeling fearful, I will find organizations to support, to help others.

You can make more Discovery Dozen sentences, to explore other dimensions of strength. Consider these possibilities:

I feel strong when _____________ .

When I feel strong I can/ I know/ _____________ .

To help others feel strong I can _____________ .

And feel free to make your own Discovery Dozen sentences, to both explore questions and generate ideas.

Couple strength with love

Strength takes many forms — some obvious, some bold, some subtle.

Your Discovery Dozen sentences may have illuminated many kinds of strength, that can be leveraged in many ways.

And when strength is matched with love, the impact can be astounding.

If we all support ourselves and each other with love and strength we can have more impact that you might imagine.

We can believe in the power of each person to hold, share, and send love.

We can commit to taking action — in many forms — rather than sitting by in distress. (One great idea is to make purchases of digital products from Ukrainian artists on Etsy, or tell them not to fulfill tangle product orders and keep the funds. Etsy is not charging Ukrainian artists service fees.)

We can hold the highest energetic vibration of love and send it to those in need of support anywhere on the globe, and those working to broker peace.

We can pray together, believing in the forces of love, light, and courage, and that this collective energetic force can impact the course of the conflict.

In these ways we can contribute to better outcomes, as we also support our own wellbeing.

When we stay strong and keep loving. we can help to create a better world.