What I stopped tolerating — that may inspire you.
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For years I have struggled to stay organized. Maybe you can relate. I typically have lots of projects underway, and I take lots of notes. The result? A lot of paper — paper that I get too busy to keep organized.
Add to that, I am a visual person, so seeing folders (or piles of papers) for various projects feels comforting to me.
The result? A chaotic desk that leads to stress.
When the stress builds up I bring in help — I work with a great professional organizer. She has helped me enormously over the years. Yet in spite of the updated systems and many great suggestions she has made, I continued to slip back into cycles of desk chaos.
And I continued to tolerate waves of that stress.
But I am no longer willing to do so.
What do we tolerate and why?
Many of us tolerate a lot. We tolerate clutter — both physical clutter and emotional clutter — that can range from mild to intense.
Mild annoyances can look like tolerating someone leaving dirty dishes for others to wash, or occasional rudeness you choose to shrug off. Seriously problematic things might include tolerating unhealthy environments or abusive behavior.
And while my cluttered desk pales in comparison to someone tolerating emotional abuse, it’s interesting to consider why we tolerate whatever it is that causes us stress.
We tolerate things for several reasons.
We are not clear about our standards, or the standards of the group we are part of.
We want to avoid awkward or difficult conversations.
We want to be comfortable more than we are willing to make a change.
We do not feel strong enough to stand up for ourselves.
We feel hopeless or afraid.
We do not feel deserving.
Each of these could be fully covered in a separate article, and each can entail a lot of personal exploration. (For today, we’ll focus on one illustration that can apply to a range of issues.)
Some challenges on this list may be easier for some people to overcome than others, and some take time and support to address.
It may be helpful to pinpoint what is in the way for you, for a given matter (or matters) that you are tolerating.
Until we decide we will not tolerate it, nothing changes
No matter the issue, and no matter the reason, change will only happen when we decide we are ready for things to change. We are ready to take action.
What does it take to make a change?
Setting new standards.
Deciding that you are worthy (of respect, of not being taken advantage of by others, of an environment that supports your wellbeing — to name but a few).
Being willing to take a stand for what matters to you and courageously making changes.
In the case of my messy desk, being willing to make a change had been my problem. For a very long time it was more “comfortable” to continue tolerating clutter and stress.
When I set a new standard for myself, decided I deserved to feel happier and less stressed, and was willing to do what I needed to do to improve the situation, things did change.
When we are unwilling to tolerate something we find solutions
If you want to start addressing something relatively small, consider the case of my disorganized desk.
After getting help to deal with everything that was stacked on my desk — creating new folders, updating my filing approach and filling a recycle bin with papers I did not even need — I had a “clean start.”
I took the plunge and invested in an electronic tablet on which to take all of my notes by hand. I set up a system of folders on the tablet that is clear and easy for me to use. Right from the start I hardly wrote on paper at all. And for the last two weeks my desk has remained clear!
After the first week I realized that another layer of process was needed: to extract action-items, and suggested resources to follow-up on, from meeting notes. (There are no longer page flags on paper to signal things for follow-up, which were not very effective anyway.)
I am in the process of refining my new systems now, but I love the changes I am making. And I am asking for help to take the pressure off of feeling like I need to figure it all out, perfectly, myself.
My daily work experience makes me so much happier now, and that translates to getting more done with ease.
What one small thing are you ready to stop tolerating now?
I always recommend that people start by making a small change before tackling big ones.
Is there something that’s come to mind that you want to stop tolerating?
Consider the reason (or reasons) you have continued to tolerate the matter.
Next, look back at the things noted above that will support you to make a change, and consider what steps you can take.
Why not start today — even if that means simply brainstorming options, or deciding who can help you, or reminding yourself that you deserve this and can do it, or researching helpful resources?
Starting is key. Then take another small step.
Once you are in action, you will gain momentum. And when you have decluttered the physical or emotional matter (in a single day or over a longer span of time), you will have done something great for yourself.
The next time you are ready to make a change, you will have a foundation of success to build on. And you will feel able to tackle something bigger, if and when necessary.
I would be happy to hear about the changes you bring into your life when you decide there are things you are no longer willing to tolerate. Leave a comment or email me.
Stay safe and well, and create your life with joy.
