Are you missing the joy of the season?
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Are you able to give yourself a break?
Can you let go of expectations?
Think about the perceived expectations of others that occupy your thoughts, as well as the expectations you impose on yourself.
This is territory I know well, and at this time of year, when the world around us is in a whirl, thinking about all of those expectations, and which you may want to let go of, can be a great gift to give yourself.
What expectations are adding pressure now?
Let’s look at work
Many business executives, entrepreneurs, and other professionals are focused on year-end results. For some that includes closing as much business as possible in the last weeks of the year. For some there are projects to complete before the calendar turns.
While those expectations can be internal, they often come from bosses, investors, clients or shareholders.
For those feeling expectations like these, there is some relief in knowing that we can muscle through a few weeks and start anew in the new year.
Next, let’s think about the holidays
This season impacts people in many different ways.
Some are fully into the holiday party scene. They love decorating, hosting and gifting. Shopping for or planning great outfits, salon trips for fresh haircuts and manicures, are a joy for them.
For many, this season feels heavier.
They bristle at the expectations to be merry, look perfect, set a photo-worthy table and serve or contribute amazing food. They find expectations to give a perfect gift to everyone on a long list to be stressful — emotionally, financially, and physically. There are often a host of family expectations that weigh people down.
Most of these expectations can be a combination of external and internal.
And then there are all of the “shoulds” in our heads
Let’s start with the expectation many have that we should feel happy at this time of year. That’s a tall order, even for those who are typically upbeat.
Maybe you feel that you should show up — for everything. Parties of all kinds, school programs, work events, neighborhood gatherings, religious services, family get-togethers, local ceremonies, cookie-swaps and more.
Maybe you feel you should — or must — shower everyone with cards and gifts. And if you think that gift or card should be fancy and expensive, or should be made by hand, that adds handsomely to the pressure.
Perhaps you feel expectations for how you should show up or should perform. This can be because you are a woman, or a minority, or the traditional host, or the person who does not align squarely with the values of others in a family or group, or any number of other reasons.
And then there’s the should of perfection — doing it all and doing it all perfectly. This is an especially heavy burden that many of us carry 365 days a year.
What if it could be different?
If the thought of any, or many of these expectations gives you a sinking feeling, I invite you to think about the power you have to let go of expectations — whether they are expectations you perceive from others, or expectations you have for yourself.
Can you imagine how it would feel to be free of them?
The first step in finding that freedom is to be aware of which expectations weigh you down, and decide that you want to make a change.
When you are clear about both the expectation(s), and have considered the source, try these steps.
1. Ask yourself if you feel deserving of your true desires — the desires that are in opposition to one or more expectations. Can you feel ok about not [fill in a blank from the expectations described above, or something I did not enumerate].
This may be easier for some than others, and I do not suggest it’s as easy as simply saying “yes” if that feels untrue.
If you feel deserving, you are on your way to dropping the pressure of the expectation.
If this idea is a challenge for you, spend some time celebrating all of your special qualities. Ask people who love you what they most admire about you. See if you can feel as deserving of yourself as you’d want someone you love to feel about themselves.
2. When you feel you deserve to do things the way you wish/if you wish, this step may take some courage, but you can state your preferences.
This is your opportunity to gently bow out of attending an event, or choose to get someone a small thoughtful gift rather than break the bank, or choose not to care if your table looks “perfect” — or like someone else’s idea of “perfect.”
Start with something small to test this out, and continue to let go of expectations one by one.
3. After each effort, be sure to celebrate yourself.
Savor the space, the ease, the pleasure you get to experience.
Then focus on gratitude — for yourself, and the gift you gave yourself by letting go of an expectation you are free of.
Sending you much love for this holiday season.
