I am often in conversations when the person with whom I am speaking is feeling stressed, confused, unsure, or overwhelmed.
Often, as they are consumed about resolving a challenge, I see that their focus is misplaced.
They are often looking for an answer to a question that starts with,
“How can I…?”
This question rarely leads to the insights and solutions they are eager to find.
“How can I…” is often followed by something like:
“…enroll more people in a program I love leading and want to expand?”
“…make a change in my overwhelming work that will continue to provide ample income?”
“…be more productive — because there is so much daily pressure at work and at home?”
When people share the way they are thinking, I observe that they are often getting tangled in negative and confusing thoughts, as they bypass an exploration of the essence of the issue.
Finding that clarity is what calms the mind and leads them to their best answers.
Ask better questions to bypass doubt and find your path forward
The benefit of starting with a different set of questions is that you can more clearly — and more hopefully — find a path that is fruitful.
There is no one “best” or ”right” question to ask.
These examples may be helpful illustrations for you to consider, when you are feeling called to find a good approach to resolve something that's on your mind.
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Story #1
A woman wants to fill more seats for a program she loves to lead
When we started to talk she was focused on how to market better.
Maybe post more on social media? What platforms? Send more emails?
As she proposed these ideas, she was sad and doubtful. She questioned whether there were enough people who would want to enroll. She knew she was not pricing the program high enough, but she feared raising the fee.
Her energy was dragged down by scarcity, fear, doubt and deep sadness.
I asked her about the clients she had enrolled in the past. Who were they? What had attracted them to enroll in her work? And — most important — what were the outcomes for them?
I asked for stories. And out they poured! She described powerful, exciting, life-changing outcomes.
And as we looked closely at the stories she saw common threads — dots that she had never connected before.
By the end of our conversation she was excited to have clarity about how she will write about her program, and to whom she will direct her messages.
Now marketing feels exciting, because she has embraced the value of what she is inviting people to explore when they work with her.
Most of all, she is starting to believe that this can grow to be her primary professional focus, which she has been longing for.
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Story #2
A woman wants to revamp a thriving business that is personally unsustainable
When we started to talk, she felt overwhelmed by the current challenges and how to move past them. There are physical health risks to continuing to run the business she has built, and it is also taking an emotional toll.
Maybe scale back her team and overhead? Bring in more contractors? How would she manage all of that? What would the consequences be if she made some or all of those changes?
Or, maybe switch gears in a bigger way? To doing what? And how could she do that and sustain her financial well-being?
As these questions poured out, I saw and felt palpable stress and fear.
I asked her to tell me what she loved most about the work now — the kinds of clients, the kinds of engagements. What lit her up? And what brought her energy and well-being down? I also asked who on her team supported her to come up with great day-to-day approaches and deliver the best experience for her clients. Could that person's role expand or be adjusted?
As we explored the answers that showed up, I saw excitement about several great options that could be pursued. We talked about meaningful ways to expand the inquiry — bringing curiosity and an open mind as she moves ahead.
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Story #3
A woman who yearns to be more productive
When we started to talk, she described being swamped and could not see how to do less. Her business is thriving and feels like an engine that is driving her. How could she do less? How could she also manage the demands of an aging parent at home along with other family responsibilities?
She tried delegating and doing things to be more healthy, but they were not enough. How could she turn things around?
I asked her to describe how it felt to delegate tasks — at the office and at home. It turns out that was a tough thing for her to do. She felt she did things best herself. She felt responsible for doing many tasks, and doing them they way everyone expected her to do them (for example, cook a fresh meal for her family every night, after a long exhausting work day).
I asked her to describe what it would feel like to have more time for herself. It turns out that having time for herself was such a distant memory she could not envision doing less. And she admitted to not feeling worthy of having more time for herself. She was also concerned about the judgements of others if they might see her as “slacking off.”
When we got to the emotional heart of these questions, she was able to breathe deeply and clearly see the ways her mindset and beliefs (including demands and expectations she held for herself) were the place to begin.
Specific changes became easy to implement once she felt supported to adopt the belief that she deserves to have space to nurture her wellbeing.
Consider the questions you ask yourself
Are your questions shedding light on the factors that will lead you to the most revelatory insights?
Consider asking questions that will give you both meaningful information and positive energy from which you can continue to move forward.
All of the women in the stories above are now on a path to deriving more joy and satisfaction in their lives and work.
What questions can you ask yourself that will lead to the joy and satisfaction you desire?
