How choosy are you?

Have you given thought to the people with whom you spend time? Do they add light to your life, or do they bring negativity?

While some of the people in your life do not reflect choices you’ve made, and are not changeable, many of the people in your orbit are there because you chose to include them.

Why it’s important to choose with care

When you are thoughtful about the people with whom you engage, you can surround yourself with those who bring qualities into your life that you desire and value.

People who have a positive outlook, who are kind, who inspire you, who are collaborative, who are generous, whose humor delights you, impact your life in great ways.

If you pause and realize there are people in your life that drain you, you have an opportunity to make new choices.

The cost of tolerating people who add stress

Maybe you are aware of people who drain your energy, that you have been tolerating — for any number of reasons.

The toll that takes can be obvious, or (as is often the case) can be easy to miss. 

When you tolerate being in the company of people who are a drag on your energy, small annoyances and irritations often seem normal. While it’s easy to get used to them when you frequently “swim in those waters,” the ongoing irritation diminishes your wellbeing.

And in some cases, you may be well aware of people whose behaviors and energy pull your energy down.

With awareness you can set new standards and create distance from those people. 

How to create distance when you need to

Many of us find ourselves wanting to make a change, but the thought of making the change can feel daunting.

When you have clarity about your standards and have made new decisions about people with whom you want to have less contact, or no contact, consider these two approaches:

1. Create new boundaries 

If you cannot end your relationship with someone, you can decide to set terms and conditions that will better serve you.

For instance, you can shift from daily texts to a weekly check-in.

Another approach that’s available to you is to make it clear that you’ll be happy to communicate if you both can agree to use language and tone that are respectful. (This can be an add-on to planning for less frequent contact.)

2. Phase out the relationship

When there is a person who drains you, and with whom you have no obligation to stay in contact, you can take steps to end the relationship. And you can do it with kindness.

Whether you choose to gradually phase out the connection, or end it in one step, plan for a conversation in which you communicate with clarity. Focus on the importance of this decision to you, and how you want to show up in the conversation.

There will be a temptation to apologize and be defensive. Instead, I invite you to calmly share that you now have new commitments, or some other change of circumstances, and that you will be in less frequent contact/will not continue the relationship.

Do not make accusations. And remember that you do not need to explain yourself. These are common traps to avoid. You are communicating a decision you are making for yourself.

Naturally, depending on the duration and nature of the connection with the person, you may modify these sound, proven approaches.

Bear in mind that your highest priority is to ensure your wellbeing.

New opportunities will open up

When you minimize or remove people who are a drag on your wellbeing, and surround yourself with people who lift you up, you will notice that you feel lighter and more inspired. And you are likely to feel happier.

In fact, you may feel a palpable sense of positive energy, to both share and nurture, the more that you spend time with people who light you up. 

You will be seen by them in your highest light and you will have their support. In turn, you will see all that’s possible for them and relish supporting them.

And when you and the people you choose to connect with are focused together on your journeys, you and they realize great outcomes faster.

In this way, “all boats rise” higher, and with more ease. 

The outcomes can be life-changing

I witness this powerful phenomenon frequently. 

I am surrounded by fantastic colleagues in a master-mind program that offers me these experiences. It is so exciting to receive this kind of support and to provide it.

And I witness it in the women I coach. 

The power of a wonderful group to be in the work together, inspiring one another, celebrating each other, holding each other in the highest light, and being there for others when someone hits a set-back, is incredibly special.

In fact, last week, one woman in my coaching program shared that when having to speak to the media in a moment of tremendous stress and pressure, she found herself calm and able to stay the course in a way that she had not been able to do in the past. She said how much she appreciated being in the work alongside the others, and that watching other great women navigate difficult things had helped her enormously. 

I invite you to carefully choose the people with whom to engage. You deserve to be loved and fully supported.

Something worth celebrating that you may be skipping

We just ended a weekend when we celebrated Father’s Day and Juneteenth.

While these are two distinct focal points of celebration, I think and talk a lot about the importance of celebration in our lives.

Why?

When we celebrate we take the time to pay attention.

We focus on people, events or things that are positive.

And as we honor or venerate the person, event, or other focal point of the celebration, we lift our own spirits.

This creates positive energy, and when filled with positive energy we are able to generate more of it.

Celebration is a multifaceted gift we can give to both others and ourselves!

Let’s explore some specific kinds of celebration

Father’s Day

Honoring a parent is sacred. While this day can bring on a range of emotions, the essence of the holiday is beautiful. For many it is a day of joy, as they bestow love on fathers, grandfathers, grown children who are now fathers, fathers now gone, and father-figures. When we bring our focus to them, we are often able to see them with new and clearer perspective.

Juneteenth

This holiday provides us with a markedly different experience of celebration. We commemorate the true story of freedom from enslavement, about which, sadly, many people have been unaware until recently. While it is special to celebrate this meaningful event, the sacred celebration also opens our hearts. It inspires us to learn more, and to work together for true freedom.

Life events — birthdays, anniversaries, graduations

These celebrations pop up throughout the year and sprinkle delight into our lives. Marking the passage of time and major life milestones is often moving. We sit back, reflect, gain perspective, and have special opportunities to have fun with people we love. While there can be bittersweet moments, these celebrations are often full of happiness — and who does not want more happiness in their lives?

Personal triumphs (even the small ones!)

This is the category that many of us fail to fully embrace. One of my missions is to teach people the importance of celebrating ourselves!

When you give yourself a “Yay Me” for something small (like reaching out to someone new or sticking with a positive habit), to something big (like getting a promotion), you show yourself love. These are expressions of self-love.

(Here’s a list of articles related to self-love that I have written. This one specifically talks about “Yay Me’s”.)

And when you practice self-love you give yourself a small hit of dopamine — a neurotransmitter that boosts the “reward center” in your brain. This chemical reaction is surprisingly potent and makes you feel wonderful.

So why don’t we give ourselves “Yay Me’s” more often?

Most of us minimize our accomplishments. We fail to acknowledge and celebrate ourselves, often looking for external validation. And even when others do praise us, many of us find it hard to receive the praise.

Let’s change that starting today!

Take the celebration challenge!

I have cultivated a “Yay Me“ practice, and I encourage my clients to build them. I invite you to join us.

Last week I was able to give myself a few important “Yay Me’s”.

I spoke live at a wonderful conference and I enrolled brilliant clients. Those are can’t miss events, and hard to minimize.

I am especially proud that I also celebrated myself for things I would have let slip by unacknowledged before I was so aware of their importance.

For instance, I skipped a gathering I was looking forward to attending to give myself extra rest after a few days of tiring travel and early starts. My body was so grateful I made that choice, and the “Yay Me” I gave myself was the icing on the cake.

How many “Yay Me’s” can you give yourself today?

Can you give yourself at least one “Yay Me” each day for the next week? The next month?

Maybe you’ll start keeping a “Yay Me” journal, or create a record on your phone to track them!

Please share your progress, and your specific “Yay Me’s” if you wish. I’d also love to know how it feels to declare them.

And if you want to share your vision for life filled with more “Yay Me’s” and your questions about how to create it, email me and we can make a date to talk.

Until next week, stay safe and well, and create your life with joy.

Focus on this energy to help yourself — and the world

I pick a card from a deck of oracle cards each morning. This daily practice, that I started in January, centers and grounds me. I sit down at my desk, a candle lit beside me, and begin to focus my energy and attention around the message I receive. After I write for a while I move into action.

I am often struck by how the card I draw is just what I need on a given day. Some recent examples have been “Breakthrough,” “Action,” “Commitment,” “Playfulness.”

And sometimes, I draw a card that surprises me a bit. When that happens, as it did today, I spend a little more time considering what it is I can learn, or how I can be inspired by the message on the card.

The card I drew today?

“Compassion”

And the affirmation stated on the card is:

“The vibration of compassion shines through my every cell!”

The importance of compassion now

One dictionary definition of compassion is:

“sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it”

I do not disagree. And yet I started thinking about this word, and its message for me — and all of us — in a broader way today.

With all that is happening in the world, compassion for those who are suffering is a sensation most of us are feeling, and with which many of us are struggling. We live thousands of miles from many tragic world events, we are in close proximity to the continued suffering caused by COVID, and we feel for countless people everywhere who experience distress of many kinds.

It can feel overwhelming to think about all of the suffering we wish we could alleviate.

And, while it may sound counterintuitive, I know there is a way that we can increase our power to positively impact others.

We need to bring compassion to ourselves first

When we cultivate true compassion for ourselves, we can fully love and unconditionally accept ourselves. With this foundation we can have more impact for others in need.

I write often about ways we can strengthen self-love and how to bring more love into the world. (You may want to check out this article about love and self-love. And this article has 3 quick steps to give your spirits a boost.)

Cherish yourself. Affirm your belief that you are amazing, deserving, capable, powerful and creative. In addition to focusing your thoughts this way, you may want to create a mantra for yourself and repeat it often, to bolster self-love.

Aim to let go of judgement, shame or guilt, if you notice thoughts like that showing up. How? Spot those thoughts and replace them with positive, loving thoughts. (You might repeat your mantra.)

The energy of compassion is stronger than you may think

I deeply believe in the power of love to heal us. When we are filled with self-love, and focused on radiating loving thoughts and actions, we shine more of our light to others — near and far.

What we focus on is what we get.

If you allow fear, bitterness or stress to occupy your thoughts, those will build.

So, consider how you can keep your focus on the positive.

• Perhaps, if you meditate, you will bring a simple loving mantra into that practice.

• You might talk about the power of love in conversations with others today

• If you write in a journal, you may want to focus on love in any of its forms.

The more you activate, and spread, your love and light, the more it grows in you. And the more that energy touches others.

Let’s all leverage positive energy

The energetic field of positive vibration will grow and become more powerful the more we each nurture loving energy, and the more we inspire others to expand loving energy.

By collectively bringing a focus of loving compassion to our lives and the lives of others, we bring fuel to alleviating suffering. Coupled with action, these synergistic forces are powerful.

We can all play our part and sustain this energy.

Let’s do this together. Will you join me?

Stay safe and well, and create your life with joy.

Why clarity matters (and how to find it)

So many of us push. We strive. We buy into the notion of needing to “crush our goals.”

That language is like having a whip lashing at us, pushing us to constantly work harder, move faster, and do more.

That energy is exhausting. It makes you feel like you can never do enough. And it is often counter-productive.

What if you are enough right now?

What if you simply need to let yourself shine?

What if you trust yourself to be fully present and authentic, to share your wisdom and passion with grace and confidence?

What if you are clear about what you want, what you believe, what matters, and stay present to that?

Imagine how different it would feel compared to struggling under the self-imposed (and culturally-imposed) pressure so many of us endure.

And imagine how differently your ideas and words would be received.

When you have clarity all of this is possible

My journey has taught me so much, and I am grateful to be able to share what I have learned with so many great women with whom I work.

Here’s a case that illustrates a lot.

On Sunday, I led my Dream Big Vision-Board Workshop, and was blown away by the remarkable women who joined me. They showed up wanting to create a vision for a fabulous year, and dove deep.

What most moved me was seeing each of them get focused and clear about who they want to become to live the lives they long for. Because everything begins with the way we show up in our lives.

From there they were able to identify what they want to do that really matters to them, and what they want to have to make their lives exciting, meaningful and rewarding.

As often happens, surprises showed up along the way.

New desires and priorities emerged for some as they found clarity. New foundations became clear, such as the insight that being surrounded by the beauty of nature, color, or flowers would fill several of them with joy, and thus enable them to show up and truly shine in many areas of their lives.

They are all excited about living into the visions they created and made visual in the workshop!

What clarity really means, and what it does

When you connect to desire that is rooted in your heart, you have natural fuel for commitment to take action.

I have observed over and over in the years I have led this workshop and coached, that excitement, and belief in what is possible, are byproducts of true clarity.

In combination, they lead you to making meaningful progress.

Experiencing the progress that you are motivated to bring into your life feels great. And it builds confidence. That confidence inspires continued action, and momentum builds.

That’s how a positive energetic cycle is established, and great things are manifested in women’s lives.

A life fueled by positive energy is possible for you

You may be reading this and think you are far from having clarity and all the good outcomes that can follow.

The truth is, we can all start from wherever we are. That’s what I did not so long ago, and I now guide women to do that every day.

Even if you are figuring things out, feel challenged to identify your true desires, are in the midst of building a base of knowledge and experience, or trying to get clear about the direction you want to pursue, you can grow and thrive without the onerous push we are so often encouraged to embrace.

Guidance is available

Being able to create and sustain a life fueled by positive energy entails more than attending one workshop or reading one book, or listening to a good podcast here and there.

Finding clarity and then shifting into living in new ways is not a one-and-done exercise. And true transformation takes time.

The smoothest path to the life you dream of is to have support — the support of a coach and the support of other great women who are on a similar path.

Once you start it won’t be long before you find yourself shining brightly, as you step into creating the future you desire.

I invite you to schedule a time for us to talk about the dreams and desires you have, and how you can live a life that is fueled by clarity, enthusiasm and positivity with less push, exhaustion and frustration. Maybe my Live Big Live! program will offer the support you need, or an upcoming workshop will get you started.

Email me and I'll send you a link to my calendar. (There’s no cost or obligation for us to meet, but I offer only a limited number of calls each month. So reach out soon.)

Stay safe and well, and create with joy.