Has the time come to change a relationship (or two)?
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In my recent post, I encouraged you to think about the people with whom you spend time. I asked you to think about who lifts you up, and if there are relationships you find challenging, or downright unhealthy.
I provided some guidance for how to think about people on the difficult end of that spectrum, if any come to mind.
Check it out, in case you missed it.
After providing some mindset scaffolding to help you consider what can be an uncomfortable issue, I posed two questions to ask yourself if you determine that making a change in the relationship will be in your best interest — if, like a tree or shrub, some pruning of the relationship is called for.
Here are the questions I offered for you to consider:
• Do I want to set a boundary, so that I will stay in contact with this person, but with less frequency?
• Is it time to disengage from this person completely?
Depending on which question you answered with a “Yes,” here’s how you can take action.
How to lovingly set a boundary on the number, or frequency, of interactions you have
Perhaps you are weary of daily calls, frequent texts, or a routine way of getting together with someone. (This could be anything from an obligatory weekly meal to an annual outing that you are ready to move on from.)
If you’ve concluded that staying in the relationship would be fine if the times and ways you connected were less intrusive, initiate a change. Think about how much happier you will be after setting better boundaries.
Plan to have a brief conversation
It may feel harder to speak with someone than to send a letter or an email. But this is a relationship that has a degree of importance to you (or you would opt to end it), and a conversation honors that. Further, sending a written message can be tricky, as the tone you intend to convey may be misconstrued by the reader.
Thoughtful preparation is in order. This is an opportunity to think creatively about the change you want to propose.
You might say that while you value the relationship and want to stay in touch, you are focused on important commitments in your life and you need to switch to a monthly or seasonal check-in — or some other proposed change.
Well in advance of an unappealing annual event, you can let that person know that your plans have changed this year, or that your time together will be shorter, or that you have an alternative location to suggest — or some other idea for how to stay connected.
Keep your communication simple and direct
Don’t allow yourself to be pulled into drama, if that shows up. Focus on love for yourself as well as for that person, and loving energy will come across.
When it’s time to disengage from a relationship and move on
If you realize there's a toxic dimension to being in relationship to this person and you’d be happier and healthier without them in your life, this is the time to initiate a change.
Your message can be expressed with kindness
While a conversation is often ideal, written communication can work as well, or may be better. Base your decision on the approach that will work best with that person, and try not to let fear enter into your reasoning.
Stay clear of drama. Calmly communicate that you need to take an extended break, or that it's time for you to move on from the relationship. It’s not necessary to over-explain or to be accusatory — focus on your need to make this change. As noted above, keep the communication simple and direct, and keep love in your heart as you speak or write.
Will it be easy to initiate changes like these?
Depending on the relationship you are thinking about, it may call on you to dig deep for courage — and a commitment to your own needs — to take a step like this.
And, it may be easier to make this change than you imagine.
If you are wavering, consider this important question:
Do you value yourself enough to take this step?
This question may touch a nerve. I have been there, and I’ve guided many of my clients to take courageous action like this.
It helps to think about how you will feel after you’ve moved ahead.
Envision the benefits of making this change
As I have experienced and seen many times, being on the other side of making a change that you are called to initiate is a great place to be. It opens space and possibilities and opportunities. It brings a feeling of lightness into your life.
And you will experience your ability to do something important, that will help you take more courageous action in the future.
I hope you will choose to surround yourself with people who truly support you, believe in you, and want only the best for you. Pruning unhealthy relationships has terrific rewards — and will set the stage for you to thrive!
Leave a comment below if you have thoughts to share about this subject.
And, if you want to talk about what it could look like to have support to bring important changes like these into your life, let’s schedule a call and talk about that (it’s a complimentary call). Start by answering some questions, so I’ll know more about what’s on your mind, and we’ll get the process started.
