Boundaries — what they are and why to love them

Many women I talk to fail to consider — or actively avoid — setting boundaries.

I know that I had not given boundaries much thought for most of my life. And when I began to think about setting boundaries, a lot of discomfort showed up.

The truth, that I have come to understand and experience, is that each boundary you set is a gift to yourself. And boundaries can always be set with kindness. 

This is a big topic — in fact, so big that I will address different types of boundaries now, as well as why they are important. Next week I will share ways to set boundaries that will help you live your best life.

Consider two types of boundaries

There are physical boundaries and abstract personal boundaries. Both of these categories are important.

Physical boundaries

Physical boundaries include things like walls and fences. We can all recall what moats with drawbridges look like, that were built in medieval times to protect castles from invaders.

When we set a physical boundary, we are making it explicit to people to respect our space and not intrude on our privacy. 

You may want to set physical boundaries related to the kinds of physical contact you welcome — and contact you do not want. Perhaps you hate being hugged. Perhaps you don’t like being in crowded places. 

You may want to create private physical spaces, indoors (such as a room of your own) or outdoors (think fences and walls), where you can have solitude or pursue personal projects or activities. You may want people to knock before entering a room you occupy.

You may want to create a private space where your personal belongings, such as journals or keepsakes, will not be seen by others.

You may set boundaries related to material things you are willing/not willing to share, such as objects or money.

Some people need to set boundaries to have private spaces that will protect their safety.

Emotional boundaries

An emotional personal boundary is a limit, or rule, that you set with others (and sometimes with yourself) to delineate things that are important to you and your wellbeing.

In short, by setting these boundaries you make clear what is acceptable to you.

Emotional boundaries can relate to your time in a variety of ways.

When are you available? This can be to take phone calls or answer emails, or available to help with doing tasks for others. 

What tasks are you willing to take on, such as saying yes to doing “favors” for people, or doing more than your “fair share” (at home and at work)?

Emotional boundaries relate to your spirit, too. In these cases, you are setting limits to protect your emotional wellbeing.

For instance, you may choose which information to share and things to keep to yourself.

Or, if you have compromised your wellbeing by tolerating a relationship that is not healthy for you, you may know that a change is needed.

Here is another example. Maybe you allow others’ behavior to distress you, rather than creating a virtual, energetic boundary to protect your wellbeing — even in the face of their insensitivity or deliberately hurtful actions.

Why not bring awareness to places and situations where new or better boundaries will be helpful, in order to bring you more happiness and/or reduce stress in your life?

The gifts that boundaries deliver

While it may feel uncomfortable to think about setting boundaries — with people you are close to, with colleagues and clients, with strangers — you will reap many benefits. 

You will feel increased self-confidence and happiness.

Your relationships will be stronger and better when you clearly communicate what you want and do not want, as well as what you need and what are unwilling to tolerate.

You will feel great when you hold your standards, without guilt or apologies.

You will protect your spirit and feel grounded and clear.

Doesn’t all of that sound great?

Next week I will share ways to set new boundaries. It is often less “hard” to do than you may think!