The surprising key to growth and self-love

Saturday was Yom Kipur, a high holy day on the Jewish calendar that is a day of repentance for ways we each missed the mark in the year past.  

And who of us has not missed the mark? 

I spent the day in deep contemplation, supported by magnificent music and moved by prayers that ranged from sobering to uplifting. 

The entire congregation committed to living with awareness and prayed to be written into the book of life for the year ahead.

And at our synagogue we take a break between the morning and afternoon services. There is a panel discussion where four congregants speak on a topic. Past topics have included social justice, personal journeys, family histories, and more. 

This year’s panel topic was failure.

Each speaker shared an experience of failure and what happened afterwards, or what they learned. 

We all experience failure

Had I been asked to speak publicly about failure in my life, I would have thought long and hard about which failure to share. There have been countless times I felt like a failure, and many times when I failed in ways that others could clearly see. 

It is unsettling and uncomfortable to think about failure.

And yet, we have all experienced it, and in looking back we can consider how we moved on and what we learned. We can also think about how we might face inevitable failures in the future.

This resource can lessen the sting of failure

If you have been reading my Big Ideas for a while, you are aware that I teach that practicing self-love provides a foundation for living your best life.

While self-love is a big topic (you can find several past blog posts on the subject here), let’s talk about how self-love supports you when you fail — whether that is failing to meet your own expectations or failing at a task, in a job, in a relationship, or any other way.

When you build a solid foundation of love for yourself, you acknowledge and believe in all of your gifts. You are able to be less harsh with yourself.

If you do your best and fall short you can be more self-forgiving.

And if you have a more painful or serious failure, a strong foundation of self-love enables you to acknowledge the lapse, do what you can to make amends, and commit to ways you will make changes and move forward.

How will you move on from failure?

Because we are all imperfect, we will all fall short from time to time.

We will all fail.

If you can see each failure as an opportunity to learn something new — about yourself, or a new way to approach a problem, or that there are new possibilities you had not considered, or that there are new skills you can learn, or that there is help you can tap in the future — you will see that failure can take you to new and better places.

Failures can lead you to a brighter future.

It all depends on how you choose to think about and respond to them.

My failures, as painful as many have been, became valuable resources for me when I learned to mine them for insight rather than sit with pain and remorse. 

I wish you a year of health, joy, and growth, supported by abundant self-love.

Do you struggle when things go south?

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As much as we strive to do our best and steer our lives with intention, it’s inevitable that we experience setbacks, disappointments, and failures.

The feelings we experience in those situations can range from annoyed to frustrated to crushed.

And it’s in those moments that fear and doubt can take over.

So, how can you respond instead?

Ask yourself this question:

“Where are the gifts?”

Even the most challenging situations can offer us gifts.

The pandemic we have lived through comes immediately to mind, but life is frequently messy. We lose people we love. We get fired from a job or lose a major client. Relationships fall apart. Project outcomes fall short.

When there are big hits, or small events that don’t go well, we have the opportunity to choose the lens through which to look.

When we look for them, we can find gifts, both small ones, and often bigger gifts.

Here are some gifts to look for

When you look for the gifts in any situation, you are oriented to the positive, and that helps you feel better in the moment. You can see opportunities and possibilities. Your energy shifts in ways that turn any situation around faster.

The gifts can be small and subtle — and those are terrific.

You might consider posing questions like these:

  • What lessons can I take away from this disappointment or failure?

  • What opportunities might be opening up, that I can see now?

  • How can I appreciate kindness that was offered to me?

  • How can I appreciate and celebrate the ways I took a risk, or spoke up, or created something in a new way, or helped in a situation?

  • What new ways to work, or connect, or create, or think are possible now?

  • Where has space opened up for things I like or want to do, such as cooking, getting outdoors, playing an instrument, learning something I’ve been curious about?

  • What if it’s possible that new and better things will soon be coming, that I cannot even see right now?

Can you envision how referring to this list of questions could help you steer clear of an emotional nose-dive?

Any of them can help you shift your perspective, support you emotionally, and help you move forward in a more positive way.

Consider how you can use these ideas each day

We always have the opportunity to view our circumstances with fresh eyes and choose the way to move forward.

Even in small moments when you find yourself feeling let down or disappointed, think positively and consider that good can lie ahead.

And think creatively. Because we can create all the time.

Consider that in every moment, and with every choice we make for what to say or do next, we have a creative opportunity.

Leave a comment to share the ways you have chosen a positive frame of mind, and created your way forward when challenges have shown up in your life.

And if you want to talk about how to bring more creative activation into your life, to move beyond what limits you, let’s talk. I’d be glad to help you gain new insights and perspectives on what’s in the way, as well as what’s possible for you. Click here to find a spot on my calendar.

Stay safe and well, and keep creating.