Can you take this word out of your vocabulary?
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In many recent conversations I’ve heard people use a word that I learned, long ago, to remove from my vocabulary. We all use it (and, yes, I still slip up from time to time). And, we’d all be doing much better if we could banish it.
The word?
SHOULD
This is a loaded word. A word your self-critic loves to use to bombard you. A word you can live without. Because when you are aware and start to shift your self-talk to eliminate the “shoulds,” your life will get so much better.
I know that sounds like a grand promise.
Can changing one word do that much?
Yes. And here’s why.
When you layer “should” upon “should” on yourself, you are constantly feeding yourself negativity and criticism. You’re heaping self-judgement on yourself.
You are often comparing yourself to others — or some ideal — and in the process you feel awful that you haven’t measured up.
And that takes a toll.
Some of the shoulds I have been hearing lately include:
I should be decluttering, like everyone else.
I should be doing yoga every day, or taking hour-long walks.
I should be applying for the new job I was starting to look for just before all this started.
I should be doing something creative, but when I pull out art materials I can’t get myself to start.
Baking? Who has time for baking? But everyone else's family is doing it...
I should be getting ready for bed earlier... And meditating... And journaling...
I should be volunteering. There are so many people who need help.
I should be working on new ideas for my business, and implementing new initiatives now.
What’s wrong with me? I should be coping better than I am.
You get the point. Maybe you see your “shoulds” on this list, or are adding yours.
If you’re a “should-er,” this is a perfect time to change your self-talk.
Try using these three steps:
1. Notice
Change begins with this crucial step: aim to catch yourself when you are “should-ing” yourself. With attention and practice, the “shoulds” get easy to spot in the moment.
2. Reframe
This step takes practice. This is when you pause and reframe the “should” thought when you notice it. Here’s an example of how you might do that.
When a thought shows up like: “I should be able to get this to-do list all checked off today,” you could re-phrase it as: “I will start doing the most important item on my list and see if I can finish that in the next hour. I’ll continue from there.”
Or, you might rephrase it this way: “Since I was up during the night with my child who couldn’t sleep, it’s ok if I just start with the first important task and reassess my energy levels for continuing after an hour.”
3. Be gentle with yourself
If someone or something needs attention — it could be an elderly parent dialing you up, a child who wakes up early from a nap, an unexpected email from a colleague, or just that you realize you are not able to focus on the matter at hand — the task you planned on will take longer, or it may need to be deferred.
That’s ok. There’s a lot happening now that is not like “life was before,” and berating yourself will only make things harder.
This is an important time to be gentle with yourself and practice self-love. (You may want to read an older post about self-love, for specific ways to do that.)
And, as you are able to make progress — even small progress counts! —acknowledge yourself. Appreciate that you embarked on or completed a task, or started developing a new idea, or helped someone, or just made it through the day with more ease.
What would make you smile and feel good about something like that? What small treat can you give yourself? Have fun thinking of ways to acknowledge every small step on this path.
I am here to support you in several ways.
As the weeks of disruption continue, you may be finding that you need new responses.
I have been adding resources and ideas to the Thriving Now page on my website that can help you as you navigate this time. The page is filled with tools and ideas have been shared in my ongoing, weekly Zoom calls.
My next Creating Our Way Forward Zoom call will be on Saturday, May 9 at 3:00pm eastern. In these intimate conversations, women from all over the country have been connecting, sharing, and learning new ways to both cope and stay inspired. You can register here for the next call.
If you want some one-on-one support, I have 2 spots on my calendar this week for free 30-minute Creating My Way coaching calls. It’s been wonderful supporting the women who have scheduled these calls already. Access my calendar to schedule your session.*
And, to get clear about what’s in the way for you and talk about what it can look like to get deeper coaching support, I invite you to schedule a Live Big Breakthrough Call with me. Here’s where to do that.
Stay safe and well, and keep creating.
