Embracing the unexpected: letting go of expectations

Last week my body forced me to slow down. I returned from an exciting week away, speaking at a great event, with COVID. I had no choice but to rest. (Happily, I am fully recovered now.)

I had expected to catch up from a a big to-do list after being out of my office, but the universe had other plans for me. 

I let go of expectations, and everything was fine! 

If you are like me, you’ve lived a life full of expectations, and have held them tightly.

A great life lesson, that I need to be reminded of (like when I was sick last week), is that I can let go of expectations and it will not only be fine — it is often better than fine!

Expectations can be a trap

Most of us set expectations about all sorts of things, typically without awareness that we are doing so. And most of them tend to limit us.

We expect things of ourselves and of others. And we often hold tight to those expectations. When we do, we suffer disappointments more often than not.

Typical examples that get in our way are:

• Expecting ourselves to get more done in a day than is reasonable. 

• Expecting ourselves to be perfect.

• Expecting things outside our control to be perfect.

• Expecting others to read our minds. 

• Expecting people to see things from the same perspective we do.

Living with these sorts of expectations running in the background keeps us from thinking and acting with agency — with awareness that we can always operate with creative power. 

Here’s what it can look like instead:

• Rather than driving yourself hard and feeling exhausted, you can approach your day with a focus on what is most important, and delegate or defer other tasks.

• Rather than expecting perfection from yourself, you can determine to approach everything with care and focus, and fully acknowledge and appreciate your best efforts.

• Rather than feeling disappointed by things outside your control, you can remember what you can and cannot control! (See the graphic below and refer to it often! You can download it here.)

• Rather than holding expectations that others know what you want and need and expect of them, you can communicate clearly.

• Rather than expecting others to see things as you do, you can choose to be open to other perspectives. You may find that others’ lenses offer you insight that you get to appreciate — or not.

What happens when you let go of expectations

I have learned that when I release expectations, I allow myself to be fully present to opportunities and possibilities. I trust that things are always working out for me, as I create my best day each day.

When I approach every day as one that I get to create — in my thinking and my actions — I often find possibilities that would not have been shown up I had held a tight grip.

How can you loosen your grip and release expectations, even a little today?

What will you create today?

It doesn't have to be hard to let go

Last week I wrote about letting go of physical clutter and emotional clutter. (If you missed it, you can check that out here.)

In addition to letting go of the things that clutter your environment, and the people and situations that drain your energy, I am thinking about the concept of letting go in a bigger, broader way. 

Consider this question:

What are you holding onto in your life and work that it may be time to let go of?

• Perhaps you are holding onto the way your business is structured, because you have always worked that way, or because that’s the way everyone else does it.

• Perhaps you are holding on to a seasonal ritual with family or friends because that’s what you always do, or because you think that’s what people expect you to do.

• Perhaps you live — or work — in a place that does not make you happy anymore (or maybe has never made you happy), because it feels too hard to make a change.

Even if these examples do not resonate specifically for you, sit with the question and see if something comes to mind.

You deserve to be happy!

If you realize you have been holding on to something that is not ideal, your next thought may be, “Sure, but it’s ok.”

Or, you may think something like, “But what can I do about it?” or ”I don’t want to shake things up.”

I believe that life is too precious to compromise on your happiness.

You may not be considering that, by tolerating something that’s not working, or resisting making a change, you pay a price.

The energy you bring to your day-to-day life is dampened, dulled.

You may not even be consciously aware of the ways it adds stress, makes you feel pressured, causes frustration, or simply contributes to subtle discontentment.

Living that way is not fun for you, and it limits everything you do.

If one or more things come to mind, consider the upside of initiating a change.

When you let go, new possibilities show up

When you loosen your grip on maintaining the thing that you have been convinced is the way it has to be, or loosen your grip on the thing you now are aware you’ve been tolerating, things will shift.

Possibilities you may never have considered are likely to feel real.

So, what can it look like to loosen your grip?

1. Get curious!

Ask yourself questions like:

• Why have I been holding tight to the belief that the way I run my business has to be the same as it has been? What could a different business model look like?

• What beliefs might I let go of about my role in our annual family gatherings?

• What would an ideal location be for me to feel happy every day? Do I need to stay in this city?

• What might working for another company, or taking on a new or bigger role, be like?

• What am I afraid of? What’s the worst possible outcome of a change? What’s the best possible outcome?

• What if I doubted myself less and showed up in a bigger way?

2. Consider small steps to take.

Having identified something you want to change, and getting curious to open insights and ideas, it is time to take action.

(By the way, action is a great antidote to fear. The act of starting will build enthusiasm and reduce hesitation and doubt!)

Your initial action might be to talk to people who have done the thing you are considering, and learn from their experience.

You can generate lists of possibilities and see which are the most appealing, so you can begin to test them. 

You can set a vision of that new thing already having happened. Holding that vision will make you feel excited and motivated to take ongoing steps in that direction.

3. Build momentum.

Having put a plan in motion, stay committed to yourself — and keep the curiosity going.

You are likely to adjust your initial ideas and expand or redefine your vision as new possibilities, resources, and supporters show up.

As you pursue the thing your heart asked for, you are sure to show up more fully and bring more boldness into the ways you approach your life.

That’s what living big is all about.

Feel free to let me know about the change you feel called to consider, or one that you are in the midst of now. It’s easy — just email me.

What are you ready to let go of?

Are you holding on to things that no longer matter?

So many of us struggle to let go. There is so much we accumulate that we stop seeing and using.

We are surrounded by things we no longer need — and if we pause to consider, there’s usually a lot we no longer even want.

What things can you let go of now?

Physical clutter feels daunting to think about for many of us. When will we find the time and energy to tackle a closet that is packed, or a room with drawers and shelves that are overstuffed?

What if you chose to take a baby step?

What if you started with a single drawer or focused on one small thing?

Last week I scheduled a pick-up with a non-profit that takes used books and finds new homes for them. It was the perfect way to get motivated to look at shelves around the house and fill the requisite 7 small boxes with books to donate. 

In no time, I had selected old travel books, novels I had no interest in rereading, books related to my first business (that I sold in 2011!), cookbooks I haven't used in years or didn't really like, and more.

Having quickly filled the boxes, it was fun to readjust the shelves, now with breathing room for small objects and photos to be placed where they add delight.

The books are now out of my house and on their way to new homes. I feel more spacious and happy, having done just one small thing to clear my environment. 

Think about emotional clutter, too.

In addition to the tangible clutter in your home and office, that you can slowly address and let go of, consider emotional clutter. We all have some of that.

What have you been tolerating that drags you down emotionally and/or energetically?  

Perhaps there are people or situations in your life that drain your energy or impact your thinking in negative ways. 

Start by becoming aware of them. Perhaps writing in a journal will help you identify them, see their impact, and be more alert to where they interfere. 

With that awareness, you may naturally start to address, eliminate, or resolve them.

And if you choose not to actively do anything about them now, that’s fine. Having the awareness is a key first step.

Start with one small, specific step today

What one small thing can you commit to now?

It can be something as small as choosing a focal point to start in on — and setting a date to begin to address it.

You might journal about clutter for 15 minutes next weekend.

You might schedule a pick-up of clothes and household items for a local charity.

Whatever small step you take, you will have the satisfaction of having started.

Each baby step takes you a step closer to the spaciousness of a less-cluttered environment, and a less-cluttered mind.

In time, as your life becomes less cluttered, stress and anxiety will subside. You will feel pride about your accomplishments, and enjoy the bonus of enhanced self-esteem.

In short, you will feel happier! Imagine how great that will be.