Even accomplished women feel doubt and play small

I talk about about the concept of living big all the time — what it means to create a life where you show up fully and authentically, boldly aligning with your true purpose and able to keep fear and doubt from derailing you.

Sadly, even accomplished women live small. They play smaller than they know, deep down, they are capable of.

I know I was living a small life in so many ways until my “wake-up call” a decade ago. Yes, I had a great marriage and wonderful children and I owned a respected design firm. I was regarded as a successful woman.

But I came to realize that I did not believe in myself enough to lead my team or my clients as powerfully as I could. That lack of feeling good enough made me uncomfortable showing up in our marketing, and made it hard for me to be decisive.

The biggest realization I became aware of was that my work was no longer lighting me up — and I finally believed that I deserved to find what would challenge and excite me each day.

I was not willing to settle any longer.

And when I decided to sell my business and step into something new (that I could not yet picture), I realized I had to start showing up in my life in new ways. I needed to bring new levels of belief in myself, as well as courage, to embarking on my new journey.

Do you struggle to believe in yourself, show up fully and forge your own path?

I know I have a lot of company in not having been encouraged to think about and appreciate my gifts and talents — after all, I was taught that would be boastful. It was really hard for me to “own” my gifts and feel confident.

Nor was I urged to show up in big ways growing up, or even as I stepped into my professional life. Few of us were told it’s great to speak your truth. I look back and see how often I second-guessed myself or did not speak up when I knew I had something to say.

And few of us were told to connect to what we truly want, and to follow a path that is ours to explore and travel. It wasn’t until I started working with a coach that I was guided to do just that.

Is doubt making you play small or feel stuck?

When we doubt ourselves, or don’t feel that we deserve to pursue our desires, we are unable to believe in all that’s possible for us. And so we settle.

We settle for the status quo — after all, it feels safe to stick to what’s familiar.

Or we tolerate the feeling of being an impostor — which makes us overly cautious as we doubt ourselves.

And if we focus on staying safe, and when we resist (or are afraid of) stretching to explore what we can truly do, or what we truly desire, we feel stuck and we tend to stay stuck.

Do you recognize any of these signs?

• You feel deflated and discouraged. These feelings are natural when you don’t appreciate your greatness and feel doubtful, or when you feel unfulfilled and don’t know how to get started in a new direction.

• You feel numb. This feeling — whether it comes on by itself or you help it along with behaviours like avoidance or overeating or drinking — is an indicator that you are not taking charge of your life for any number of reasons.

• You know, deep down, that you are hiding your true self. You care so much about what others think that you don’t allow yourself to show up authentically.

• You are focused on the feelings and wellbeing of everyone around you, and discount what you need. Even the most accomplished women tend to put themselves last.

• You’re exhausted. Playing small or living small sounds like it would give you space and peace, but it is depleting — emotionally and physically.

The good news is that you get to choose

My life is proof that it’s possible to take action — and to make remarkable, significant change.

And, I could not have done it alone. I was not equipped to make big courageous moves in my life without support. That's where the great coach I worked with was invaluable, and I have never stopped getting coaching support.

We all have endless opportunities to grow and expand, by going deep into understanding ourselves and leveraging all of our gifts.

When you are open to change:

You get to choose what you want.

You can be proactive.

You can overcome obstacles.

The universe will open up and support you.

Are you ready to choose change?

If you want to talk about what it can look like to step into the biggest version of yourself, and connect to what you want your life to look, feel and be like so you can start creating the future you really desire, let’s talk.

Click here to grab a spot on my calendar. I promise you will gain new insights and perspective on what’s in the way and possible for you, and we’ll see if we both think working together can help you to step into the future you want. And if not, that’s totally fine.

And, with my Live Big Live! program kicking off soon, we may determine that it’s the perfect way for you to make your big breakthroughs, to start living your next chapter.

Let’s talk and see if this is your time to step into living big!

Stay safe and well, and keep creating.

A time for self-awareness and self-care

I hope your Thanksgiving was filled with love, gratitude and good company.

We are now at the start of a new week, and a new month. It’s December — the last month of 2019, and the last month of this decade!

You may feel inspired and fired up as you think about the ways you want to end the year and move into the new decade. If so, go for it!

And… I am hearing from many of my clients and acquaintances that they are feeling pressured, and many are finding motivation hard to come by.

If you relate to feeling a lack of motivation to go big right now, it’s easy to start beating yourself up.

But I invite you to consider that there’s another way to look at things.

Give up the struggle

The idea that you are a slacker if you are not always in high gear, feeling fired up, and planning and doing on a grand scale, is fueled by external messages.

We are bombarded with advice on how to “crush it” — crush our goals, crush it at work, crush our workouts at the gym. The language itself is enough to stress you out.

And, you may be wired to push yourself hard. I’m all for high standards and commitment, but many of us hear a persistent inner voice that propels us to go way overboard, and belittles us when we don’t.

Especially as we head into a busy holiday season and the end-of-year demands at work, this is the perfect time to be gentle with yourself.

Pushing too hard is counterproductive

When you try and muscle through, you not only exhaust yourself and feel awful (physically and/or emotionally), you are likely to get less done.

When you slow down and focus on something important (rather than lot of things and at a frantic pace), you will get more done. I had a hard time believing it would work, until I tried it.

Now, when I feel overwhelmed, I choose something that is deserving of my attention. I put everything else aside for a while. I gently bring my focused attention to that effort. The results of taking this approach are always terrific, and so satisfying.

Listen to your body and your emotions

If you feel the need to slow down, by all means build in time for more rest, more thoughtfulness, more time with cherished people, more ease.

The messages you receive from your inner voice and your intuition are always reliable. Our bodies may demand that we slow down, too. If we are not tuned in and responsive, a GI upset or nasty cold may show up and force us to slow down.

Self-care is rarely high on our to-do lists, but it’s so important! No matter how much there is to be done, be sure you honor yourself and build self-care into your days.

This is a time to create with intention

When a lack of motivation or the need to take things a bit slower shows up (and your self-care plan for a soak in the tub, savoring a soothing cup of tea, taking a nap, or going for a walk is in place), try adopting a new approach.

Think about what you desire. What is important right now? What matters? You may want to do some journaling to explore ideas. (And if you’ve learned it, put my Discovery Dozen™ exercise to work.)
Then gently bring your focus to that matter. If you feel clear about the steps to take, start in slowly and with focus. Acknowledge yourself for taking a small, doable step. Then take the next one — and acknowledge yourself again.

If you are unsure about what you want to focus on, get curious. What are the options to consider for moving ahead? With an idea or two, ask: What interesting approaches can I devise to test out this idea? This is a moment to bring creativity forward and explore possibilities.

Commit to making a small effort and seeing how it works out. Celebrate the wins, and adjust course when better ideas and new insights emerge.

And continue on the path — gently.

You don't need to struggle. Momentum will build naturally.

I’d love to hear about how you are feeling now, and what you want to approach with ease. Leave a comment below.

And if you are looking for clarity, focus, momentum and accountability in your life, let’s talk. I will be enrolling a new group coaching program early next year, and it may be the perfect opportunity for you as we move into 2020. I’ll be happy to tell you about it.

Returning to center — and staying the course

As long-time readers will recall, I frequently refer to our culture of “too busy,” as it relates to so many challenging issues.

Living a life that is too busy has been an ongoing struggle for me, and it is something that challenges nearly all of my clients. The impact of long-term too-busyness takes a huge toll on us, and dramatically limits our ability to live big.

Living at a frantic pace becomes the norm for so many of us that we often do not recognize the problem. We impose short deadlines on projects we’re excited about, or we feel outside pressure to push ourselves, and thus become accustomed to daily fatigue. We pride ourselves on being master multi-taskers. We ignore the warning signs (read stress, impatience, insomnia, and more) that tell us things are out of balance. We do not face the truth — that there’s a price to pay for this continued way of living.

Why do we tolerate this? 

For one, we see so many people around us living the same way. Our culture not only encourages, but celebrates, incredible hard work and unceasing drive. Those messages are pervasive, and make us feel like slackers if we don’t “measure up.” Not only do we think living frantically is normal — it is often portrayed as a virtue.

This is wrong.

We are human beings. We need to BE more. We need to DO less.

I know this, and yet I often fall into the trap of pushing myself too hard. In the last 6 months I drove myself to accomplish important things that I am very proud of, and that make me happy. But, by the end of the summer I found myself so exhausted that I realized I needed to make a real change.

My body said, “Enough!” And, my spirit felt as if it would collapse if I kept going at this pace. Another clue was that people around me frequently expressed concern about how tired I appeared to be. With a scheduled vacation coming up, I told myself to hang in, rest up while away, and all would be well.

So, here I am, writing to you from the glorious Rocky Mountains. The air is magnificent. The sky is gorgeous and vistas are breathtaking. I have made this a week for BEING, and very little DOING. My husband and I could surely have filled our days with outings and activities. Instead, we have made this a week of sleeping until we awake naturally (no alarms!), having nothing scheduled aside from a massage, reading in front of the fireplace, movie-watching, many meandering walks, lingering over lovely meals, and thoughtful conversations.

This has been a week of returning to center for me.

But had I not had a vacation planned in advance, I’d have needed to find other ways to re-center. I had reached the point where it was a necessity.

If you are reading this and thinking that you need to slow down and return to center, consider these suggestions:

1. Unwind for a few days — or more
A low-key vacation is a wonderful way to shift into a new space, if you can take one. And, it doesn’t need to entail a plane ride. A nearby locale can feel as special as a distant destination.

And, if going away is not feasible, you can create the space to make the shift at home. It will likely be more challenging to stay in your usual environment, but it can work.

And, even two or three days can make a world of difference.

Start by choosing when you will clear your calendar for a day or two, or longer. (Yes, this will likely entail canceling plans you’ve made, but your well-being is worth it!) Choose dates within the next couple of weeks — don’t put this off unless it’s absolutely imperative to wait.

2. Disconnect with intention
First, create an away message, even for a day or two. By declaring to the world that you are unavailable, those who email you will not expect a response. It’s liberating! And what’s more, you declare to yourself that this is time you are disconnecting.

Turn your phone off for big blocks of time — or for your entire dedicated time to rest.

Consider drawing a hot bath to sink into, and decide if silence or music will be most soothing. Choose beautiful places to walk, where you can marvel at nature. You may want to visit a museum or galleries and get inspired.

Make it a priority to eat fresh foods, and slowly savor the flavors. You can choose a variety of restaurants, or combine meals out with cooking for fun, creative experiences.

3. Plan ahead for re-entry
All the rest and re-centering of your down-time will be for naught if you resume a crazy pace after your time away. You may want to read (or re-read) my thoughts about simplifying a busy life, in posts about the gift of simplifying, saying,“No!”, and cleaning up emotional clutter.

As I look ahead to returning home next week, I realize that the benefits of my time away will evaporate unless I commit to making serious changes. I have identified my top priorities and decided to defer other projects. Committing only to efforts that I most value now will provide satisfaction and will enable to me reach meaningful goals, while allowing me to live at a pace that will sustain me for the long-haul.

I have decided on my highest priorities for the rest of the year, as well as considering what I want to add in the year ahead. I have not only deferred some of the exciting initiatives I have had in mind, I will do them over a longer time. This will allow me to accomplish big things but at a healthier pace.

I invite you to make a plan to return to center and commit to consciously creating a new, saner pace for your life. Are you willing to make that commitment?

If you have questions, or want to consider getting support to make these important initiatives a reality in your life, let’s talk. This is big, important work, and you do not need to do it alone.

And, if this post resonates with you, or you have found good ways to get back to center and sustain it, I welcome you to share your thoughts below.