Discover the surprising power of saying “No”

Each year when Valentine’s Day rolls around the topic of love is front and center.

I am a huge believer in the power of love, and the vast and marvelous ways it can be expressed.

The outcomes of developing self-love cannot be overstated.

Amplifying love shared by those with whom we are close is a gift we can give to ourselves and our dear ones. 

And love is an energy we can all bring into our awareness, and that can collectively impact the greater good near and far. This may be the most under-appreciated aspect of love’s powers.

Self-love is the topic I want to focus on today, as I consider self-love to be the foundation upon which all of the other kinds of wonderful love can most easily be built.

A surprising way to practice self-love

I have shared the fundamentals for understanding self-love and some simple, effective practices for building self-love in past posts. You may want to check out an overview here.

What you may never have considered as a way to to be self-loving is using the word, “No.” 

This simple word — that can be used in a sentence or can stand alone as a full sentence — is a resource that many women resist considering, much less using.

Why it can feel hard to say, “No.”

I often hear women say how overwhelmed they feel. They are committed to doing great things at work, to supporting those around them, to running their households, to caring for children and/or parents, to volunteering, and more. 

They often put everyone and everything else ahead of what they need and want — to the point of self-sacrifice, and sometimes burnout.

They say “Yes” to requests, “Yes” to demands, “Yes” to opportunities.

Why?

They often want to be nice and please people.

They may be flattered by a request and feel obligated to say,“Yes.” 

Sometimes they fear what might be said or done if they respond with a “No.”

It can feel easier and less risky to say, “Yes.”

And, sadly, many yeses are given without considering the implications of accepting that thing.

How a “No.” can be self-loving

Stating the need to give things thought is a perfect first response, rather than replying quickly, even if you are pressed for a quick answer.

It is an act of self-love to take the time to consider what the ask is and the meaning and importance it has for you. Does it align with your values and priorities? 

It is an act of self-love to consider what a “Yes” will entail in terms of time and effort.

It is an act of self-love to look at your calendar to see how adding in the tasks will fit into your life — or not.

It is an act of self-love to be sure you reserve ample time for self-care and things that enrich your spirit.

It is an act of self-love to assess all of those things with care before you give a response. 

And when there are clear indications that this request is not right for you, or not right for you at this time, or your gut tells you there are red flags, it is an act of self-love to reply with a “No.”

Your “No’s” can be expressed with kindness

After expressing appreciation for what was offered or requested of you, you can decline without complicated explanations or excuses. 

You might say something simple and sincere, such as, “I have other commitments that preclude me from being able to take this on/assist you/accept this.”

You might want to practice in advance with a close friend or your coach, to get comfortable with making your statement. You might want to think about some simple, supporting information to provide if you are pressed for more reasons, and you might want to think about suggestions you can offer for other people they might consider, or alternative approaches that could be helpful.

That said, it’s advisable to stand strong in your decision and not allow yourself to be manipulated or pressured.

When you have thought the matter through and are clear that a “No” is best for you, and you do not waver, you are loving yourself in a remarkable way.

That’s a great Valentine’s Day gift you can give yourselve all year long!

And if part of your self-love awareness is that you want to step into boldly igniting your creative power, to live your biggest best life, let’s talk. 

What can happen when you slow down and make a small change

Last week I had the pleasure and honor of being the closing keynote speaker at a conference in Virginia. This was only the second time I’ve spoken in-person to a large audience since the start of the pandemic, and the energy of being with people was terrific.

This audience, like most I speak to, was filled with senior professionals who lead busy lives. They have tremendous responsibilities to lead their organizations and face an array of challenges each day.

My message was focused on how they can lead their biggest, best lives — to bring all of their greatness into the world — and do it without sacrificing their wellbeing.

The first thing I focused on was slowing down.

I talked about being more, instead of so much frantic doing. I urged them to give themselves space and grace. I advocated for focusing on what they each need more of in their lives to feel and be their best.

We are not machines

Many of us are so accustomed to living at a hectic pace that we fail to realize the consequences of the daily grind on our physical wellbeing, our energy and our spirits — all of which are precious, and none of which is in endless supply.

Even machines, with on- and off-switches, need power to run smoothly and regular maintenance, too.

Many of us treat ourselves like machines, without regard for the fuel we need, our routine maintenance requirements, or considering how long we can be “on” before we wear out our gears.

What can be done

We can each pause to consider what changes — even small changes — will improve our daily wellbeing.

It’s time to honor ourselves and ask the question, “What do I need more of to nurture my spirit and honor my body?”

Maybe you will realize you are skimping on sleep. Or not eating as well as you want to, so you have ample time to savor and digest healthy meals. Or you may crave more time for quiet in your life. Or there may be a special interest you enjoy, or a relationship you want to nurture, but you have not created space to make it a focus.

When you start by identifying what will nurture your spirit and honor your body, and then choose one thing to consciously introduce to make it happen, you are sure to experience an improvement in your daily wellbeing.

The changes I am making now

Having been in “high gear” for too long, I am clear that this is the time for me to slow down. (This is a lesson I return to time and again!)

I am focused on thinking about what I am saying, “Yes” to. I leave more “white space” in my calendar.

I am using my own tips for “multiplying time” that I share in my keynotes, and I am setting clear boundaries (another point I teach and that I continue to bring into my own life with renewed awareness).

Having implemented a few small changes, I am glad to say I created space to spend a few hours in my studio this past weekend.

Painting is something I truly love, and have often sacrificed when I have allowed myself to be over-scheduled. I meet myself in a special way when I paint, and I was reminded of the lovely “spillover” effects it has on my happiness and wellbeing.

What are you ready to change?

The power of making just one or two small changes can be remarkable.

What can you identify today, that will be easy to implement right away?

Will you commit to taking a daily walk to breathe fresh air for 15 minutes?

Will you say, “No,” to someone who asks you to help out with something that will exhaust you, and do it with grace and kindness?

Will you get to bed a little earlier so you can wake up more refreshed tomorrow morning — and every morning?

I invite you to choose at least one small change to bring into your life today, that will support you to feel and be your best.